


Brotherly Love (phan)

by MySecretsX



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Fluff and Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-21
Updated: 2020-08-21
Packaged: 2021-03-15 09:14:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 42
Words: 55,066
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29311647
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MySecretsX/pseuds/MySecretsX
Summary: COMPLETE***Some family secrets remain hidden, others in punishments worse than death.A slip-up in Dan's Mum's early life and a separate relationship years later, what were the chances the two half-brothers would fall in love?Fate. Fate is the percentage of chance.Not all soulmates have happy endings; some are forbidden, others cause endings for things too late to say goodbye to.
Relationships: Chris Kendall & PJ Liguori, Chris Kendall/PJ Liguori, Dan Howell & Phil Lester, Dan Howell/Phil Lester





	1. 1.

**Author's Note:**

> Prologue:
> 
> In an existence where soulmates exist, some people aren't fortunate to have the easiest matches.  
> Some matches don't speak the same language.  
> Some matches contain death.  
> Some matches have inappropriate age gaps.  
> But not one match has been known to be brothers.  
> Not until now.  
> A destined beginning, Dan and Phil meet each other, both falling in love unknowing of their relation between each other.  
> But, if it's fate, will it be accepted by society, or will they be pulled apart?  
> Destined for their destiny to be destroyed.

****

**Dan**

I was lying in bed with the lights off at nine-thirty on a Saturday. My curtains were drawn shut and the light seeping in from outside was almost blinding compared to the darkness echoing against my bedroom walls. I was wrapped in the heat of my covers, where the top of the duvet was now falling off of the side of the bed and the longer edge of it was at my neck. In response to this, my body was contorted into a rather familiar, uncomfortable way.

I'd been awake since eight, the morning grasping onto my mind and awakening my thoughts. I then lied still for half an hour and after that realised there wasn't actually a point to get up. There was nothing to do. Sure, I could be doing something productive; my room needs to be tidied for one, the dog needs to be walked, I should probably eat, I think I have unfinished schoolwork. But here's the question: what's the fucking point? I could've added more enjoyable things to the list, like perhaps I could draw or read or go on my Xbox or Nintendo, but what's the enjoyment in that? I'd just be wasting time I could be doing something actually productive, so if I don't want to be productive and I won't find fun in things I used to like, I might as well rot here. At least I don't have to be dressed.

Every time I heard someone pass the corridor by my bedroom, fear would go through me. I didn't want anyone to come in and motivate me, I was fine just how I was. I've always been an introvert, ever since young, as have many people, but what I find with myself is that I rely on people for existence, yet no one seems to be worth enough to do that. My parents love me, but they have to, biology told them so. I know there are instances where parents have issues with their kids and I'm lucky I'm not one, but I still don't find satisfaction in that kind of love. I'm their kid, so they treat me like that, but I can't be cuddled my entire life, that's not what I want. Mum told me to get up and out, try and meet people, or _someone_ more in her mind, but no one would love me. There's just a knowledge in myself that I won't ever find that person. Maybe it's a soulmate thing, maybe mine died and I've been left in this empty abyss with the absence from them in existence. My mum specifically tells me "go out and find him", the running joke with her being she's confident I'll get a man. "Why?" I asked once.   
"You're pretty feminine Dan, I knew you liked boys since you sang Barbie Girl in front of everyone at-" I shut her up there.

Both of my parents are fine with it, my mum teases me and Dad just accepts it, although he told me not to tell my grandma until I'm walking down the aisle to prove I did like boys. Wait, I actually remember she did say _down the aisle_ -

I came out to them when I was thirteen, a few months after I told my friends. When I was fifteen, the school started realising how gay I was actually acting and decided to force the flamboyancy down a notch. Yeah, it was violent, but I was being very loud and feminine. I've always been obnoxious.

This dark feeling, this feeling of blue, it kind of just crept on me. It pulled me down one day and made me give up. Probably best that way, at least I'm not disturbing anyone else on their path of life. I'm just a nuisance anyway, no words slipping from the lips of comforting family members will make me believe otherwise.

I drifted back into sleep for a few more hours to be woken by the knocking of my door. I didn't reply, but that's expected by now. I assumed it would be my mum checking in on me, maybe my brother getting anxious I'd topped myself again or something, possibly even my dad bringing me a warm cup of tea, but not this time.

'I'm not playing this game with you, Dan. Open the God damn door or I'm snapping it off of its hinges,' I chuckled at the complaint. Chris. He was the only one who understood my whole darkness thing, he really got me, 'Dan-'

'It's not locked anymore. Remember, Mum took that off-' I hardly finished the end of my sentence before the guy stormed into my bedroom.

'Good! It does for grand entrances, doesn't it?' he wiggled his eyebrows. I shook my head at him, smiling fondly at his idiocy as I did so.

'What are you doing here?' I grumbled through my upturned lips.

'Why good sir, care to pop on the old chugger chugger with your old boy to journey towards the land of the nerdy gamers?' he lifted an eyebrow.

'You're inviting me to gaming con?'

'Why, yes I jolly well am-'

'Why?' I snapped. He sighed, plonking himself on my bed. I rested my half-naked body up on my elbows to face him.

'Dan. I get it. I know that you don't think I should be inviting you to things because you're a miserable cow the entire time, but you always enjoy it when you're there and I enjoy myself too. So, stop distracting me with your nudity and put on your nerdiest outfit.' I sighed, nodding and throwing some clothes onto my bed for Chris to choose from. I turned to him, furrowing my eyebrows with a pair of underwear in my grip.

'I don't- why did you leave it to last minute to tell me?'

'Because if I told you any earlier you'd contemplate every worst possible outcome.'

'There can only be one "worst" thing.'

'Trust me, you always seem to disobey that law.' he pointed at me, throwing his choice of outfit towards my body.

'Okay, leave me to get changed and I'll be out in a second.' He grinned, nodding as he shut the door behind himself. Didn't shut him up though.

'You see, I've noticed before that those skinny jeans look good on your ass, but you do need to wear a belt with them, otherwise you literally show your anus off.'

'Maybe that's the point!' I sarcastically spat out, slipping the said pair of jeans over my legs.

'Maybe it is-!'

'Oh my God you're so gay anyway,' I chuckled, 'I doubt anyone but you actually stares at my ass.'

'Oh trust me, a bunch of nerds in a room together? Sounds like a gay gang-bang if you were asking me.'

'Nope, that's just what you want!' I chuckled out. I heard an exaggerated gasp from the other side of the door, I then grabbed the handle and twisted it around.

'What you say I want; you want, we both know you're gay af.' he chuckled, slapping my ass as I jogged down the stairwell.

'Says-' I was about to remark about his spank, but just dropped it. We were both being overly exaggerated with our actions. I moved myself into the living room, smiling at my parents sitting together on the sofa, 'I'm going to-'

'We know!' Mum smiled. I glared at Chris, who it was now revealed had this planned before today, but he just grinned back and shrugged.

'Come on, we're going!' he said, pulling me out the house by the arm.

'How are we even getting there?' I asked, hands in my jacket's black pockets as we trod against the concrete pavement.

'Catching the bus to the train station then from there, Birmingham.' he responded as he flicked his head in the direction we were to walk across the road. I nodded, confirming I understood what he was saying as I followed him along.

The bus arrived shortly after we made it to the stop, and it was only a fifteen-minute drive to the station, but the whole time I had Chris nattering in my ear about what we could do there. I hit my lowest peak with him when he was fed up of my quietness, demanding I played eye-spy with him. I first refused, but who couldn't give in to the guy? We had twenty minutes left on the journey; I should've refused.

'No, I said it begins with R-'

'Oh look, we're here!' I beamed over-enthusiastically. He pouted, the expression soon wiped off of his face when I grabbed him by his upper arm and forced him onto the platform. His attention was soon diverted to the new task at hand.

'Okay, I looked this up we have to go towards that section,' he said pointing over to our right, 'then we go through...' he continued mumbling on but I'd zoned out. I wasn't particularly interested, but the gathering swarm of people around us took more of my attention than anything should have. I twisted my fingers together, looking around and walking over to a wall, 'Dan? Hey! Dan...?!' Chris called out in concern. He stopped in front of me once I'd reached my destination, placing a hand on my shoulder and looking me dead in the eye, 'Hey, mate, it's fine,' I shook my head but he continued reassuring me, 'No, no it is. We'll get out of this bit and towards the convention, alright?' I shook my head but he was having none of it, 'Great, common.' he ushered me along with his words. Everything from the lights beaming down onto me to the chuckles of excited people around us added to the haziness in my mind.

'Chris...' I whispered, but he either ignored me or didn't hear my quiet cry for help in the large expanse of people. We stopped at a bench and he pulled me to sit down.

'Look, when we get there we can take our time. I'm not going to push you, we can sit here for twenty minutes before we even think to go further along if you want.' he comforted me with. I took in a breath, gathering myself together and shaking it all off with one fluid motion of my head.

'No, I'm fine. I'm sure when we get there it'll be good. But, uh...if I can't go inside-'

'You can.'

'No, but...just, if I can't, you're meeting up with someone else anyway, right?'

He bit his lip and nodded, 'Yeah, I am. Peejie.' I chuckled, taking in another sigh and standing up.

'Let's go then.'

We swept ourselves along the corridor, the large windows either side heating the space around us. I wiped my hand against my forehead, pushing my way through the crowds as we stopped by the gaping entrance. I felt Chris tense beside me, even he was taken aback by the excessive number of people. I just smiled, nodding that all was fine as we joined the entrance queue. I stood reasonably comfortable for about two minutes before the brushing of people passing me began tensing my arms. Then, one of the lights to my far left began flickering. I suddenly became aware of the sound around me, the loud shouts of people screaming over each other. Then there were the bags, people unaware that they were bashing into me from every angle. After five minutes of standing unmoving, I flipped and pulled my jacket off, drumming my foot against the metal floor.

'Chris...' I mumbled, noticing that he was already looking up at me in concern. He gave a pathetic smile, licking his lips and looking back off into the distance. I kept telling myself I was alright, ignoring the woozy feeling beginning in my head and my knees giving way beneath me.

'Dan-' Chris suddenly spoke, throwing his hand onto my back and leading us under the guide ropes and out of the queue of people. He sat me by a bench and only then did I realise my blood was pumping into my ears, my vision had blurred and my breathing was shaking my entire body, 'Dan, I'm sorry...'

'Chris!' a man in the distance shouted out. He caught Chris' attention, his eyes flicking over to the two men approaching.

'Hey!' Chris greeted, attention diverting back to me. I smiled, looking up from the floor once again to view the figures, but the sudden movement of my head didn't catch up with me, causing everything to shift and then go black.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


_


	2. 2.

**Phil**

'Pj!' I shouted, running back up the stairs to collect him, 'You said you just needed a jacket!'

'Yes, but then I saw my hair was a mess!' he whined, continuing to brush his hair back with his fingers as I dragged him down the stairs. I groaned, slamming the door shut behind us and throwing the boy into the passenger seat of my car, 'Look, you don't know who I could meet today, I need to look my best.' he pouted into the folded down mirror above him.

'Chris.' I whispered, chuckling to myself. He turned to gasp at me, pretending as if it wasn't true, but he huffed and turned away once he realised I was paying attention to the road, but little did he know I actually saw him.

I pulled up into the car park and we hopped onto the train, taking a seat by the window.

'Look, when are you going to start liking someone anyway?' he complained, kicking his feet up onto the table and crossing his arms in annoyance.

'I'm just not interested, okay?!' I laughed nervously as I began fiddling with my thumbs in my lap.

'Come on, no one?' he began again. I shook my head, 'No girls?' I shook my head, 'Even boys?'

'Pj drop it!' I snapped playfully, shaking my head and glancing my eyes out of the moving vehicle.

'Ugh!' he whined, 'You're no fun sometimes!'

'I bought the fucking tickets you cheek!' I rolled my eyes as I slapped his lower leg, which was leant against the table.

He stuck his tongue out, 'Yeah! For my birthday!' he remarked then fiddled in his pocket to pull out one of his earphones. He offered the other one to me, to which I accepted and placed into my ear. The rest of the journey went by like this, us occasionally bringing something up, being more than likely to do with our plans for the gaming convention.

We reached Birmingham and made our way out of the station towards the centre that the convention was being held at. I grinned, us marching our way through the bustling crowd of people. I began looking around for Chris but was only slightly familiar with his looks from the time the three of us met up in London. I turned around to see Pj no longer there, so I sped myself to the side and found him gesturing me towards a bench. I noticed two people, whom I assumed were Chris and the other guy we were grouping up with.

It took me a few steps towards them to realise Chris huddled to the side of the brown-haired boy, the look of concern on his face causing me to sympathise with the situation at hand, 'Pj, what do you think-' I quickly began, but dropped my question when it was no longer a priority. My natural instincts took over all too strongly, my legs jogging to perch my body beside the doubled-over figure, 'What happened?' I asked.

'He literally just fainted a second ago.' Chris stuttered through his lips. I nodded, sitting in the seat beside the boy in the black skinny jeans and wrapped my arms around his trembling body to soothe him. He instantly relaxed, the shaking becoming minimal. I smiled at the progress of the simple gesture, looking over to Chris.

'He awake?' I asked, he nodded his head slightly, sitting beside Pj, who'd taken a seat a couple of spaces away from the situation. He was good in emergencies, but most likely thought best to give us space. I felt the boy's heart rate quicken against my grasp, my concerns being that he was panicking again. He shifted his position into a more upright stance, then he turned to me. The brown-eyed boy stared widely at me, his lips parting for a second, but then quickly closed them again to nod to my question from earlier.

'That's Phil.' Chris smiled towards the boy with the racing heart, who turned to smile at me. He shifted again in his seat, so I took it as a queue to step back slightly and moved one of my arms away from him, leaving my left one around his shoulders to keep him from falling backwards if he was to faint again. The loss of contact did seem to put me off a tad.

'I-I'm Dan.' he grinned lopsidedly at me. I grinned back, our eyes staying stuck together until I could manage to bring more words to my throat.

'Uh, what happened?' I asked him. The smile collapsed from his face, his head shook in embarrassment towards the floor.

'Nothing, it's fine.'

'Hey,' I smiled, pulling his head to look up me again, 'no need to hide it.'

'I think I- uh, fainted.' he stammered. I kept my voice calm as I ushered him on more.

'Do you know why? You don't have to say.'

'Yeah, I uh...panicked.' the shame rose again to his tone of voice.

'Too many people?' I chuckled. He nodded, chuckling back, 'Want something to eat, I have a bottle of water and a few bags of crisps?'

'No, I think I'm good.' he smiled with pinched lips. I huffed, pulling my bag off of my back and passing him the items. He sighed, rolling his eyes at me with a grin spread across his lips that he wasn't afraid to show.

The four of us sat around for a while, chatting between us as I continued to hold Dan's weight into my body. We both seemed to relax massively together, occasionally turning at the exact same time and chuckling at our synchronisation.

'Uh... Chris, I don't really...' Dan began, fiddling with his thumbs in his lap like a told off school girl.

'Hey Mate, don't worry.'

'I'll find somewhere to wander off to for a few hours, but you guys enjoy.' he smiled, beginning to gather his things.

'I'll stay.' I suddenly blurted out. The spontaneousness of the words even almost caught me out, 'Uh, if you want me to and don't mind?'

'Yeah, don't you want to go in?' he furrowed his eyebrows at me.

'Might as well stay with you, I was only coming for Pj's birthday, but since Chris is here...' I chuckled, shrugging my shoulders, 'The two of them might want space anyway...' I added, raising my eyebrows and grinning evilly.

'No!' the two of them said in exact unison, then both doe-eyed at me and Dan. We chuckled, standing up together as I threw my bag back over my shoulder.

'Enjoy yourselves.' I spoke out as they walked away in dead silence. Dan turned to me chuckling, 'So...' I began, 'What do you want to do?'

'Why did you stay with me?' he asked, hands in his pocket as we began venturing out of the convention centre. He completely disregarded my question, may I add.

'Eh, wasn't too fussed about the whole thing and you seem interesting.' I chuckled, 'I wouldn't be able to enjoy the day if I was worrying if you were alright the entire time.'

'You don't even know me!' he loudly announced.

'Well, depends on your definition of knowing someone.' I smart-arsely shot back at him. It was true though, since knowing someone could simply mean meeting them, unless your definition of knowing someone is understanding who they are, 'Even if I had to understand who you were to know you, I think you fainting from large crowds and relaxing in my arms is a good enough one.' his cheeks had a light shade of pink brushing over them as he stared down at his phone, my direction leading us the way, which probably wasn't the best of ideas.

'Shut up.' he giggled, not looking up at me.

'What are you doing anyway?'

'To know someone is to have information on them. That knows, having information; intelligent.'

'And...' I stretched out the word, 'Who was right then?'

'You.' he murmured.

'Yep!' I grinned, bashing my body playfully into his.

'I'll bite you.'

'No you won't!'

'Well, apparently you don't know me well enough then, do you?'

'Well, I can assume, if you're a moderately put together young adult, you'd have the sense to not bite-' he sunk his teeth into my upper arm briefly, pulling away with a smug look plastered against his cheeks.

'I never said I was "put together" now, did I? I did faint in public after all.' I rolled my eyes at his all-too-wide grin.

I sighed after a while, beginning my original train of thought again, 'In all seriousness, what do you want to do?'  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


_


	3. 3.

**Dan**

There's something satisfying about having everything blocked out and being nothing; letting the world engulf you through every inch of your body. It was cold at first, but then the warmth came over me, the feeling of relaxation falling against me. I felt my entire body de-stress itself and the pace of my heart slow down again. It felt as if I was being hugged.

'Dan?' Chris gasped. I mumbled a sound of protest, leaning into something beside me. I flickered my eyes open, seeing Chris' hand against my knee as he crouched against the floor. Pj was on the chair behind him, two seats away from me, most likely giving me space. I appreciated it, the last thing I wanted during this moment was to be surrounded by the thousands of people who brought me to this.

'He awake?' another voice asked in concern. The tone made me gulp and brought my heart rate back up. I straightened myself out, suddenly realising there were arms to the something I was leaning into. I turned to him, eyes going wide as I pinched my two lips together. In response to his question, I nodded, but Chris had already confirmed I was awake a few seconds ago.

'That's Phil.' Chris smiled at me. I smiled towards Phil, who smiled back at me, and Pj smiled to Chris who'd turned away from me. I shuffled my back into the rest of the seat, giving a comfortable queue for Phil to pull his arms away from me, yet one of them naturally remained around my back and neither of us particularly minded at all.

***

'In all seriousness, what do you want to do?' Phil asked me. I rolled my eyes and zipped my jacket up as we stepped out into the cold breeze of October.

'Pfft, I don't know!' I whined, 'I'm awful at deciding things.' I giggled, walking along the strip of raised concrete beside the path. We fell into a silence which was neither uncomfortable nor comfortable, it just was. I presume Phil was concentrating on what we could do as I relived my childhood games beside him. I lifted one foot in front of the other to continue rope-walking, however my foot hit the curb and I toppled off towards the side.

'Frick, nope!' Phil hurriedly spluttered out, grasping my weight from under my shoulder. I chuckled, doubling over and catching my breath. I sighed after a while, looking upwards and seeing Phil with a very unimpressed expression spread across his features. I licked my lips and gulped, nodding as I stood up straight, 'There's literally a road.' he blatantly pointed out the obvious.

'Pfft, I was safe!' I exasperated, but then realised how idiotic I was being, 'Okay, maybe not as a car was shooting past me-'

'Shut up, let's just get inside and you away from...' he paused, looking around then just gestured to everything around us.

'Outside?'

'Yeah...' he chuckled, leading me into a Starbucks with his hand in-between my shoulder blades on my back.

I glanced around at the interior design, the wooden seats placed disorderly at tables across the single-floored cafe. Phil led us towards the counter, gesturing at the cabinet of sweet delights before us.

'I'm fine, thanks.' I whispered beside him. He shot a quick glance before ordering two drinks and two cakes, 'Did you-' I began, but was interrupted by a devilish giggle. I shook my head, looking towards the floor and smiling at my feet. Not that they were particularly interesting.

'Look, I'm not taking you to Starbucks and sitting eating a muffin as you watch.' Phil sighed, smiling as he took his order from the counter.

'Maybe I'm into that.' I suggested defensively, however my tone of voice suggested it was nothing but a joke, much to Phil's relief. We sat at a table, Phil pushing his chosen items for me towards my side. I sighed, taking the fork and hacking into the cake. It was worth it to see the grin spread across Phil's lips, 'You're really fucking proud of yourself for the cake, aren't ya?' I questioned, talking through a mouthful of deliciousness.

'Yes.' he grinned, taking the wrapper off and attacking the muffin mouth-first.

'Dude! Savour it!' I chuckled, furrowing my eyebrows at his eagerness. He kept stern eye-contact with me as he scoffed in another bite.

'My flipping muffin.'

We finished our plates of food, standing up and heading back towards the streets. I became wary of the heavier crowd, unconsciously stepping towards Phil. I didn't notice until he leant towards me, 'They're only people, you know?' his tone was so calm and unnerving that I relaxed, stepping away from his body, but the space was soon gone as he moved back to me. I grinned, looking away for a second for him not to notice, when I was knocked harshly backwards. I waved my hands in front of me, desperately grasping onto anything available. My quickened heartbeat dropped when I felt the comforting grip of Phil's hand in my right, with his left arm around my back, 'Steady up.' he smiled, pulling me upright. He attempted to move us along, but the pressure my body seemed to be releasing into the ground was too great to step forwards. He turned to me, looking me dead in the eye and spoke to me, 'Walk with me, we'll be fine. There's an open green space over there.' he twitched his head behind him. I nodded, my legs still refusing to move. I felt his arm around my back, pulling me into his body as he led me through the crowd, whether or not he noticed my eyes had closed.

We perched ourselves on the bench, my body still pressed into Phil's and my eyes shut. For some reason, despite the minimal time we'd known each other, I trusted him. It felt like I knew him for longer, or if not, at least I should've known him already.

'Hey, hey Dan...' he soothed, wrapping both his arms around my body on the bench. I was hit with confusion for a brief second before being filled with the necessity to sniff, realising I'd began crying.

'Shit.' I cursed, backing away from his grasp and wiping my eyes, 'Sorry.'

'Hey, don't apologise. Why do you hate crowds?'

'I feel unsafe. I remember once my mum dragged me suddenly through a crowd with no explanation. She was going so quick that I lost her. In fact, I don't ever remember finding her, just that I did.' I spoke quietly. He hummed, pulling my body towards his again and I burst out into sobs. It was almost as if he was aware I was going to cry before I was.

I eventually opened my eyes, my vision filled with green haze as I blinked the last of the tears down my face. My sight focused, the criss-cross pattern on Phil's green shirt stabilizing. I noticed a patch of wet against his shoulder, apologising as I attempted to rub it away. Of course, that was useless.

Phil chuckled, 'Don't worry about it.' as he slipped his arm around my waist and pulled me upwards.

'I'm sorry.' I mumbled, automatically retreating into his side.

'About what?'

'How I've lost you a gaming day and now you're here comforting me.'

'I wasn't fussed about the convention, I was just here for Pj. Maybe I wanted to get to know you.' we fell into another silence as we trod out into the park. There wasn't a sudden halt to the crowd, instead it just faded out as we left the streets. Phil tugged our weight down, sitting us by a looming oak tree, sheltering us from the newly encountered droplets of rain.

Our conversations winded in and out of each other; one of us bringing up a new interest, to be topped off with another. I could say it was surprising we had so much in common, however we were both attending a gaming convention, so I think it was fair to say we were already both nerds.

'Trees aren't able to communicate, they don't have minds like us.' I continued on with my argument.

'Yes but what if they could?' Phil threw back at me again. My mind trailed off, contemplating the logistics and possibilities of whether or not you required the same make-up of animal brains in order to converse between species. I was unaware of how long I was out. I focused my eyes upwards, my gaze caught in Phil's eye-line as we sat against the bark of the tree, his left leg under mine. I grinned finding a familiarity, yet a foreign aura, to his glance towards me. I saw his throat tighten as he gulped, the mirrored grin on his face fading into a gentle smile as he redirected his stare outwards. I sighed, doing the same and letting the weight of my head onto his shoulder.

I let my chest tighten when his also fell on mine.

'Thank you.' I whispered.

'For what?'

'Staying with me, you didn't have to.'

'No, I didn't.' he hummed. I felt my eyelids' weight pull down against my face, my breathing slowing, 'Hey!' he chuckled, playing with a few strands of hair which had fallen against my cheek, in order to keep me awake.

'Mm.' I mumbled.

'Want to get some food? It's two.' he offered. My grin widened, not that Phil was able to see it. He stood up, keeping my body stable against his as we did so.

'I think I saw a pub or something around the corner.' I mumbled.

'Should we check it out?' he asked. I nodded, my arm bumping into Phil's side repeatedly at the closeness of our strides.

The food was simple yet filling, topped off with a chocolate cake we shared for pudding. Our plates were taken away and I stared at Phil, our eye contact intense as I scrunched up my eyes, 'I'm paying.' I spoke. Phil grinned, chuckling as he shook his head and looked away, 'Hey! No, I am. You're not getting away with that!' I desperately spoke out, clambering to my wallet to pull it out. The waiter came back over, dumping the pot for the bill on our table and walking off again. Phil snatched the container in his hands, hiding it under the table as he sorted the payment out, 'No! Phiilll!' I whined, pouting as my wallet laid open on the table. He grinned, holding the completed payment out to the returned waiter.

'My treat because you missed the convention.'

'So did you!'

'You were actually looking forward to it.'

'Says who?'

'Said the puppy eyes on your face when you made the decision to stay back.'

'Well-' I began, not finding a good enough excuse against that. My shoulders fell and I let out a huff of breath, my jaw clenched as I had no response. He smiled at me, standing up and offering an arm out to me.

We spent the remainder of the day exploring the local city, both reluctant to state that we should probably be heading back. We both naturally headed towards the convention centre, neither of us leading the way. We stepped back into the building, taking a seat on the outskirts as Phil dropped Pj a message. His mouth opened for a second, then his lips closed again.

'What were you going to say?' I quietly spoke out, a light smile fluttered against my cheeks.

'Uh, want to exchange numbers?' he mumbled out, his head still plastered towards his phone which he wasn't actually on any more. I grinned, nodding as I opened my own phone. I read out my number and Phil sent me a text, the new number flashing against my screen as I added his contact. We both spotted the two others approaching us, Phil quickly slipping out his next words before standing up to greet Chris and Pj again, 'We should do this again.' I nodded back, pausing for a second before wrapping my arms around Phil's green top. His arms slipped around my waist briefly.

'Yeah, yeah we should.' I agreed, stepping away from the comfort of the green.


	4. 4.

**Phil**

'Do you ever get scared?'

'Of what?' I asked.

'Living alone, the dark?'

'Are...are you scared of the dark?' I accused. His features through my laptop screen resembled a blurred blush.

'Well, m-more like the concept of it.' he began. I remained silent to usher him to continue his words, 'Like, the uncertainty of it all, the things that could be lurking around the corners...'

'So scared of the dark?' I grinned.

He rolled his eyes as he pouted, 'Shut up.'

I grinned back, reshuffling my body against the head of my bed. He sighed, looking down towards his lap, 'What is it?' I asked, wanting to comfort him through my screen.

'I...well, I wish we didn't live so far.'

'Hey, at least it's near a train station, you could come up at some point? Christmas holidays?' I offered. He grinned, nodding as he twiddled with the bottom hem of his pyjama shirt. 'I'd like that.' I confirmed. I let out a long breath, cradling my knees into my chest as I remained in eye contact with the virtual version of Dan.

'Do you ever feel like you're not good enough?' Dan suddenly asked, eyes buried into his duvet. I stared at him, willing for him to look up.

'Sometimes, but I can reason that I am.' he sighed. I hummed, thinking of what to say.

'Tell me something I don't know about you-' he spurted out.

'Hey, no...talk to me. What's up?' I tilted my head in concern, trying to read his expression. He shook his head, biting his lip.

'It's really nothing.'

'Well, nothing is still something.'

'It's like I'm supposed to be something to the world; to have a grand purpose. It's like everything is already written out for me and I'm supposed to be following it, but I'm not and I don't know how to. It leaves me with an empty feeling of just feeling unfulfilled, like I'm supposed to be more...but I'm not. I'm nothing, really. Even more as nothing, compared to what I feel like I should be.'

'There's nothing you should be, you're just supposed to be yourself.'

'What is myself?'

'I don't know, you tell me.' I pushed on again. He sighed, shaking his head.

'I don't know. Maybe I'm supposed to be nothing.' I looked at my screen for a second before changing browser, 'What are you doing?' he chuckled, trying to glare at my laptop screen through the call, 'I forgot that wouldn't work.' he mumbled. I snorted, shaking my head, 'No but seriously, what ya up to?'

'Are you free on December 21st?'

'Yeah?'

'Okay, booked. You're coming to mine for a couple of nights.' I looked at our call again, reading the facial expression that was spread across his face. There was a second of excitement, followed by the worrying flurry of fear, 'What's-'

'You don't want me.' he shook his head. I scrunched my eyebrows up.

'Of course I-'

'Shut up, you can never fucking mean that. I'm a mess Phil and a fucked one at that. I'll just drag you down with me, I don't want that.'

'Well, why would I care about you bringing me down with you?'

'You have a whole life ahead of you.'

'And you don't?'

'No.' he snapped, then sighing as he repeated himself, 'No, I really don't.' everything from the way his lips fell ugly at the sides of his face to the lost eyes glancing away from my image on his screen; they all reflected pain. The white light off of his laptop reflected onto his pale skin, giving him a lively glow that was everything inappropriate to the situation. I wanted to reach out, to embrace the collapsing boy in my arms and tell him that I didn't fucking care, that I'd let him crumble as long as I could be there with him. The overwhelming desire to protect someone I wasn't to have known a week ago.

I suddenly saw his chest rise as he turned the laptop screen away from my view of him, then the image on my laptop toppled up and down, followed by faint, muffled sobs. There are ways to describe yourself crumbling into absolute, complete nothingness: a failure, useless, undesirable, out of control, unsure, empty. But when watching someone, who's so familiar yet almost a total stranger, fall apart, there's nothing to describe that besides feeling pathetic. I was useless to the situation and was unable to help, therefore was pathetic.

'Dan, you're coming to mine and I don't care whether you think you're a mess or not, because either way I want to be with you. His laptop angled its way back towards his pale, hollowed out face.

He nodded.

All he did was nod.

There were no signs of tears, no signs of pain, an absolute shield blocking his emotions off, perfected from experience. I wonder if he wished he'd just cry; to let the years of built-up emotions cascade down his face into the mere form of water.

Would it be appropriate for me to ask him what was wrong, due to the short time we knew each other? I didn't want him to think I was prying into something personal that I didn't yet have the right to. But in the final decision, more damage could be done if I didn't ask, 'What's wrong?' the simple words called out to him.

'I wish one day I can tell you.' his words began as they hurried along his explanation, 'I wish one day I'll explain everything to you and let it all off of me, because I know all too much that I'm crumbling beneath myself and letting myself do so, at that. I wish one day you'll see my sleeves and realise how much of a fuck up I am for your benefit. You'll fricking tell me everything's all right over and over again and I know you will because I can already tell you're a glass-half-full kind of guy. But nothing is alright and I don't believe anything can ever be because-' he choked on his own voice as he swallowed back the pitch and calmly began again, 'Because that's impossible. I wish I could remember the last time I felt happy, truly happy, but the mere thought is becoming more of a lie to myself than a fantasy now. It was never a possibility.'

'I'm not leaving.'

'What do you mean-'

'I'm not leaving you tonight, I'm not hanging up. I will stay on this side until you can tell me you're alright and strong enough to see through to tomorrow. I've known you for so little time, yet I can tell that everything you called yourself is far from true,' I sighed, 'But you won't believe it and I wish with every God damned star in the sky you would.'

'I don't like believing in fantasies.'

'Why?'

'They're deceptions of reality, ones that only cause harm at that. There can be no good from them because they give false senses of hope. If you never hope to start with, you never experience the pain of loss that was inevitable.'

'Yes, but if you live your entire life without fantasies, you never have anything to work for, so you'll never even make it half-way there.' I drew in a breath, 'Dan?'

'Hm?'

'You asked me earlier to tell you one thing about myself that you don't know.'

'Yeah...'

'I'm adopted. In bad times with my current parents, I used to fantasise about living in a life with my birth parents, those fantasies purely lived as purposes to give me something to wish for. I grew out of those wishes, forgetting I'd ever had them. I wouldn't want them to come true now, but through the times I'd made those wishes, they gave me a weird sense of hope my birth parents would come back for me. That's what I needed. Now, tell me one thing about yourself that I don't know about you.'

'There's a list.'

'And I'm sure we'll figure them all out together one day, but for now, let's work with picking the paint off before dragging the entire building down.'

'Depressing or essential?'

'Uh, essential? I don't think depressing would be best for you right now.' I sympathetically smiled.

'I'm gay.' he threw out there. I looked at the screen, nodded, then realised I hadn't considered otherwise. 'What ya thinking?'

'I somehow knew, like I just accepted that as a fact already.' or maybe I'd hoped.

'Hm.' he hummed. I took a second, my facial expression expanding as everything piled up on top of me. Not once had I ever considered my own sexuality. It was something I'd never bothered to think about, since I settled for the default on girls. I was never looking for a partner, so I'd never searched too far into that part of it.

'Uh, you alright?' he asked, eyebrows furrowed.

'Yeah, I'm good, just realising something.'

'Realising what?' he pried, 'Unless you don't want to say-'

'No, no it's fine. I've never actually thought about my own sexuality.' there was a strange silence following my realisation. My eyes were glanced downwards at my bed covers, unaware of where Dan was looking. He spoke up after a couple of minutes, stuttering against his words.

'Well, do you think you know?' he shyly spoke out. I looked towards the white glow from my screen, staring into the brown comfort of his eyes. His lips were turned upwards against his cheeks, an empathetic smile taking place against his perfect skin. I gulped, looking down and away from his appearance again, slowly shaking my head.

'N-no...no I don't think I do.' I whispered to him, unsure of my own words. I looked up, attempting to regain the confidence I had not so long ago, until I was caught in the trusting hold of his gaze and returned to holding my head down. I held my shaking hands by my side as I sat scrunched into the head of my bed.

'You don't have to, it's fine.' he softly chuckled out. Even the soft release of breath that came from him was beautiful.

'Yeah...yeah I don't know what I am.' I looked up at him again, his laptop camera closer to his body as he attempted to shelter me in his eyes. I bit my lip, looking up at the ceiling as he carefully talked to me again.

'I...I'm sorry but I need to go. I'm getting tired, but-'

'Yeah, that's fine.'

'But...text me if you need me, right?'

'Yeah.'

'Promise?'

'Promise.' I confirmed to him as he hung up our conversation, forgetting my earlier promise in my new realisation.

And gone was the beautiful, brown-haired boy.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


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	5. 5.

**Dan**

I've fallen for him.

Every black strand of hair that flows against the sides of his face, every chuckle through the screen, every stutter and mistake that he makes; I've fallen for it all. And there he was on the other side of the call, suddenly questioning who he felt he was, head drawn downwards as he bit his lip.

It's just a little candy crush; sweet and desirable. The ones where you taste the sugar and are drawn back in for more. If you dip your fingers in once, you'll soon be back for another taste. Because that's what boys with night-sky black hair and sunrise blue eyes, with skin paler than paper, which exaggerates his smiling pink lips, do to you.

Oh, God, but do I trust him? Chris has held me back time and time again from jumping all in, because if I fall to the bottom and it turns out there's nobody there, I hit the bottom of the pit with all force from gravity. Then I break like a mirror heart. He calls me a puppy; ready to jump and play and brighten all things grey, but then there's nobody at the door and my eyes widen as I leave for the corner and forget when to return.

But this is just a candy crush and those don't last for long. Candy isn't all sweet and nice, you swallow too much it makes you sick and you wished you'd never had it. So I should probably drawback before I go all in, but something about this sugar-sweet boy is pulling me to him.

Maybe it's that I'm desperate, because I know I'm giving up. I'm drawing the curtains and hanging up my coat, shutting all doors and locking things away. I'm exhausted. I'm drained from eighteen years of self-hate and wanting more than I could get. I've wanted more because I've expected a fairytale ending all along, where the story cuts off at a happy soulmate matching. The words of the story never make it to the end, they ignore all the sickness, disregard all the death. They leave out the emotions of a happy boy, who had the world given to him and opportunities to deploy...yet he still fucking hated himself.

That's the worst of it all: people telling you that you have the world and you should be happy because you're thriving, but every day that I woke up it was as if the darkness was caving in and mocking the days counting down to whatever demise or unfortunate ending I receive to my story. I just want to be happy. I don't want the blue of the sky pouring in from outside to remind me there's another day to experience. No, instead I want it to bring me joy and inspire me to turn over and leave my washed bedsheets behind. And this is why I always throw myself all in, because the faster I do, the faster I have this desperation to leave my bedroom and socialise with the person who brings me joy.

So, here I am all over again and throwing myself all in for the boy with black hair. I wanted his company that day I left the gaming convention, but if I could have predicted this nagging feeling that this relationship will end in larger flames than ever before, I would've pushed him away. Or tried, at least, he seemed to be pretty certain on his desire to spend the day with me. That's something else I don't understand, why did he make that choice?

But, why would anyone make any choice?

Is every decision we make already planned out by some force of the universe, such as destiny, or do we have the complete independence as society as to where the world will journey towards? If so and fate is planned out, is there any point in running out the commands of the script, because if we don't have free will, are we really experiencing life? What is existence? What is my existence and what the fuck am I supposed to do? In all honesty, I just want someone or something to tell me whether or not Phil and I will burn if we try to set anything alight. But if somebody told me that is so, would I still ignore them and proceed to burn our worlds down? Probably, because if I don't go all in, was there any point at all?  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


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	6. 6.

**December 21st**

**Phil**

Gold. That's how I'd describe December 21st of 2009, with the snow on the ground and the rising sun at nine in the morning. No, there was no gold in sight, not a speckle of dust of it, but the atmosphere which sprinkled radiating excitement against my skin was just that. Gold.

There was a beauty in it all, as I saw the whiteness of the trees grin back at me, my feet treading the fresh snow compressed into the ground. I'd learnt to not wish, but hope. Wishing is wanting something to happen, but knowing it will never truly happen. Hoping is relying on the possibility of something occurring. But neither did I wish nor hope of this situation, how could I? How could I have guessed that the brown-haired boy who passed out beside me, who was a total stranger, would little than two months later cause me to smile downwards at the golden, white snow beneath my grin? I heard it happened to others, the knowledge that they'd met _the one_ and that knowing sprouting from the very tingles in their nerves. But how would it all be possible, when such feelings had never occurred to me?

Try boys, Phil. Try boys.

Or maybe don't. Maybe that was my problem and this entire time my strip of happiness was Dan, and I just had to wait for him. I knew. I knew the second his brown eyes nervously grinned into mine, that he was golden.

I'm not even materialistic. I don't like gold. But God is there no other way to describe how his lips perk up when I make a dorky joke, the burst of air through his nostrils as he tries to cover his amusement, or how his eyes flutter shut over an hour while he denies he's tired, just to continue talking to me. That's all gold because real gold can't make you happy, but this can.

My feet hit the pavement beside my car, the click from the keys to announce my vehicle was unlocked welcomed me another step closer towards Dan. I started the engine up and four more steps closer to Dan, yet I hadn't walked an inch.

The winter sun shouldn't glow gold on a frozen day, but on the day I drove towards Dan at Manchester station, the sun radiated more carats than it ever had done before. And it was all for him. Every second that passed by was all for him and all for his life.

The cold breeze settled against my arms as I pulled into the car park and opened the car door. The hum of silence. There was no one there to disturb me or pull my thoughts away from my main focus. Not as if my mind could be turned off anyway, I was buzzing.

I could worry about him not turning up, not wanting to see me or not feeling the same way, but what's the point when the mere thought of him made me feel like this? I wasn't going to let a seedling of a dangerous thought sprout in my mind. It wasn't worth it.

The second I pulled into a parking spot I stepped out of the car, mind devoid of concerns for the road beside me. I stood still, my hands clammy and feet jotting up and down on the spot, in other words not very still, however in my mind I felt frozen. It suddenly occurred to me I had no clue where I should meet him, where to go or...anything. I remained on that spot as the snow drifted onto my coat-less sleeves, contemplating to take another step towards where he'd arrive or wait for him.

_What time is it anyway?_

I checked the time on my phone. Then I realised I clicked the on button, looked at the screen but actually didn't register the time that was there. So, I checked again. I chuckled to myself, not only had I just been an idiot but I'd arrived ten minutes early. The station might only be a ten-minute drive, but I had to leave double the time early _just_ in case there was an accident on the road or something. I didn't want to leave him waiting. The only thing that this confirmed to me was - apart from that I was being a total dork - that I should go inside the station and wait for him there. Holy Nintendo did this boy make me anxious.

Two months of late-night video calls and nerdy wake-up texts was all it took for him to have me wrapped around his little finger with barbed wire. I kept, and I will keep, letting him drag me with him because I'm afraid that if I don't keep falling for him it'll only hurt us both.

It's funny, in a way, because he feels like a little brother to me. He annoys me, however he does it in a flirtatious, childish way which never fails to intrigue me further. He pesters me, but it's when he's being clingy and demanding, therefore making me feel wanted and loved. So he does. He does feel like my little brother, but only if I had the desire to fuck my little brother, if you see what I now mean.

And he's absolutely fucking gorgeous.

I could tell you _that_ within the ten minutes I stood waiting for him under the shelter of the train station, or I could tell you that with the blurry images of his face through Skype over the last few months.

I could also tell you that as his train pulled in and I could almost _feel_ the distance closing between us. I _knew_ what carriage he was on before he even stepped off, because I could simply sense him approach. Or, I could tell you that he's absolutely, incredibly gorgeous as his naïve smile stumbled clumsily out of the train carriage and onto the pavement of the station. His coffee eyes met mine as my chest did that foreign yet familiar achy sensation, while my limbs helplessly shook in his presence. I could visibly see him freaking out as he ran towards me, too. His arms flung around my shoulders as my hands slipped around his waist, our bodies colliding with a force that caused me to have to pull both of our weights over to my side slightly, otherwise we'd have tumbled over onto the concrete yellow lines beneath us. All the time as we embraced and our ragged breathing halted into a joint steady pace, I could tell you, he was gorgeous.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


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	7. 7.

**Dan**

My eyes remained closed. His body warmth held me close as my own limbs grasped him against me. My breathing steadied the longer that I was held in his embrace, along with my heart rate gaining a more regular pace. I began pulling away first, despite being reluctant to. I didn't want to seem as if I was already totally, completely reliant on him, even though I one-hundred percent was.

His hands remained on my waist as he lopsidedly smiled at me, while my face remained in a still shock; all my features gawking up at him with my lips slightly parted. He gulped, "Hey Dan." I took a breath in and required a second to try to stutter any form of sound out, but before I had the chance he continued, his body much more relaxed, "Unless...you're not Dan then this will be really weird and you have a strangely similar-looking person following you." I choked up a laugh, shaking my head as my face turned to a grin.

"No...no don't worry, I am Dan." he wrapped his arms around me again and pulled me into another hug, one much more stable and put together than our earlier collision. It was him who pulled away this time, wriggling his body so that he was beside me, with his left arm still around my waist. I suddenly panicked, hearing the train doors electronically close, without the sensation of my bag in my grasp.

"Dan, stop worrying. I've got it." my beady eyes glanced up towards him, my eighteen-year-old self realising for the first time that he was a couple of inches taller than me. He lifted his right arm, showing the rucksack I'd brought with me in his grasp.

"Oi, I'll carry it." I giggled, but he simply raised his eyebrows and swung my luggage over one shoulder. I huffed.

I looked up ahead, suddenly realising the brightness of the dim train station. It was weather like no other on a typical British day, with clouds overhead and random speckles of rain which would create a small layer of mist against my jacket. Then the train station, made of dark grey concrete and random yellow caution signs, there was nothing bright and colourful about my surroundings.

Well, nothing but Phil.

I looked around again, Phil ushering our bodies on slightly to begin the trek to the car park. I never normally admire my environments like this, since there isn't anything to appreciate. However, on this occasion, everything from the crumbling steps to the smashed windows was lit up by the glowing, yellow sun. I mean the literal sun, not Phil Lester.

Our path winded us to his car, while my eyes remained wide and absorbing every image around me. He unlocked his car doors and slid my bag into the back-seat, shuffling around to the driver's side as I opened the passenger door. We stepped in at almost the exact same time, then turned to face each other as a huge smile crept onto both of our faces.

I gulped, being the first to have a steady enough heartbeat to begin anything, "I'm not dreaming...right?" he giggled back, shaking his head as he placed his trembling hands onto the wheel.

"N-n-no I sure hope not." he chuckled, "Uh, should we get going?"

"Yeah! How far is your house?"

"Like twenty minutes? I'm not too sure."

"Didn't you drive here?"

"Yeah... I might've left way too early. I didn't want you to be waiting around for me!" he giggled.

I rolled my eyes, "Dork."

"Oi!" he chuckled, punching me on the shoulder lightly.

"So, what are we doing?" I calmly continued, my twitching hands placed firmly under my legs as to not seem anxious.

"We have two nights, so whatever you want to do." he grinned.

I paused, smirking before I added, "Whatever...?" it was now his turn to break our conversation as his eyebrows furrowed. His eyes suddenly went wide, turning to face me.

"Dan!" he snapped playfully. I shrugged my shoulders as best as I could with my hands still trapped beneath me, and watched him shake his head at me. He took a breath in, "No there's not much to do around mine, but there's a park - which I'm pretty sure has a frozen-over lake that people are ice-skating on currently - but it's cold anyway, so we can spend most of our time warming each other up indoors." he smiled. I hummed back, the idea of us wrapped around each other while falling into endless films filling my body with a warm haze.

I watched the waving branches of the dried up trees sway in the small amounts of wind from outside the shelter of the car. They passed by us along with the newly forming raindrops that pattered against Phil's windscreen.

Phil sighed, "Even park might not be a possibility then."

I turned to him with a shrug, "Rain's never stopped me before."

He giggled, turning into a driveway, "Let's see how heavy it gets first." he opened his car door as my brain assumed to copy him, catching up with him on the driver's side as he held my bag over his shoulder. I pursed my lips, making the assumption I was going to have to get used to his gentleman-like actions around me. Some part of me didn't mind though, I thought as I chuckled.

Phil must've taken this light chuckle as anxiety as he turned to me, "Hey don't be nervous." I was about to correct him when his comforting led him to step further to me, placing his fingers through my hair. I'd only just managed to bring my heartbeat down that prick.

We both stood there, his fingers slowly brushing through my extra-straightened fringe amidst the light speckles of raindrops seeping down our bodies. It just felt...right. I leant forwards, my heart rate increasing another step, as I placed the side of my head against his shoulder. His hand remained in my hair, the other taking my back into a hug. He sighed, "I've missed you."

It was the only cue I needed to rapidly throw my arms around his shoulders, burying my head deeper into him. The stones crunched under our feet, the sound almost drained out by the increasing weight of the rain around us. I couldn't feel it splatter against my cheeks as Phil held me, because the only things I could feel was my beating heart and where my skin tingled against Phil's perfect touch.

I grinned, pulling him tighter as I muffled the words I wanted to say every Skype call, but couldn't muster the courage. Never the words, "I love you."

"I love you too." the words could mean a simple friendship, but from the last two months, we both knew it wasn't. For us, we knew it was more.

We both heard the door opening, choosing to ignore it at first. A woman's voice echoed around us, "Are you two just going to stay out-" Phil reluctantly pulled away, smiling at me.

He giggled, "No, no we will come in, Mum." I turned to face the voice labelled as his mother. She was smiling, waiting for us to enter. We walked forwards, her hands brushing both of us down.

She sighed, "You two are both soaked. Go and get changed then I'll greet you properly." she smiled at us. We both nodded, Phil leading me up the stairs and into his room, where he placed my dripping bag against his bed.

"Phil! You'll get your bedsheets wet." I complained on his behalf. He shrugged, smiling as both of us faced each other, knowing we'd caught the innuendo. "Idiot." I chuckled, peeling my drenched jumper off. I showed it to Phil, a silent way of asking where to put it, and he understood me, his head ushering behind us to a radiator. I nodded draping my item of clothing over it and returning to him.

We both stood there, a wall of knowing that we were both boys so it was supposed to be acceptable to change together, but this gut feeling of... not an uncomfortableness at doing so, but more of a will to preserve each other that held us both captive in our wet clothes.

Phil stammered, "I'll uh...get changed in the bathroom. I'll knock on this door once I'm done." I smiled, acknowledging the part of me inside that wanted him to stay here, but deeming it more appropriate to nod at his plan, despite my hesitancy.

I spread my remaining clothes over the radiator and changed into my fresh set from my bag, quickly after hearing the promised knock on the door.

Phil smiled, "Ready to face my family?" he chuckled. I nodded, resting my head on his shoulder one more time, glancing at the yellow wallpaper of the corridor, before we trod down the stairs together.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


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	8. 8.

**Phil**

I smiled at Dan's grin as I ushered him to walk down the stairs. He complied, looking back to make sure I was following. I held him back right before we entered the living room, moving my arm in front of his chest so that I could analyse where my mum was first. I raised a fist, knocking on the door frame as I appeared from around the corner.

My mum turned around from her phone, beaming up towards both Dan and me. She stood up, taking me in a wide armed embrace, "Hello again you two, all dried off?" we both nodded as she hugged Dan just as tightly. Her lavender-coloured shirt engulfed him, his eyes appearing behind the mass of fabric as if to ask for help. I giggled. My mum sighed, pulling away and patting down my t-shirt, "Do you want a drink or anything, Dan? It must've been a long journey."

"Uh..." he stuttered, "Could I get some water?"

She nodded turning towards me, "Phil?"

I smiled, grinning cheekily, "Do we have any leftover cookies?"

She rolled her eyes, letting out a drawn-out breath, "Yes, Phil. We do. Dan?" Dan nodded in response, my mum darting towards the kitchen before I added any more items of food to my wishlist.

I smiled at Dan, grabbing his hand and pulling him to the sofas. "Phil!" he cried out, almost tipping over the side of the chair arm. I giggled, yanking his arm so he fell onto the seat, naturally collapsing rather close to me, which more pleased than bothered either of us.

I glanced out of the window, my hand unreleased from Dan's as I admired the patterns of water the heavy rain were leaving against the glass. Dan sighed, curling his feet up on the sofa and backing into me slightly, "Rain is so beautiful."

"Mm." I murmured in agreement.

"Here you two go!" Mum called out, passing Dan a glass of water and me the plate of cookies. Dan and I parted slightly, unravelling our bodies from each other. It could have been a subconscious movement over consuming food, or possibly hiding how close we were from my mum. Dan's the quiet type, he seems to be the one who'd wait until as long as possible to share something about his privacy. Who was I to critique the situation, however? All we cared is we had our cookies.

"What were you two doing standing out in the rain earlier, anyway?" she giggled. I shot my mum a look and she winked at me.

"We-I...uh," Dan stumbled.

"Dan, don't answer if you don't want to, she's a cheek!" I playfully spat.

"Pfft!" she sighed, "I was just wondering as, from the window, it seemed as if you spent ten minutes in an embrace on my driveway!"

"Mum!" I shot.

"Okay," she raised her hands to surrender to me, "Okay, I get it."

There was a pause in our conversation as Dan and I munched into the plate of cookies. After a while, I looked up towards my mum, "Do you know what the weather is for the rest of the day?"

"The rain should calm down, if that's what you're asking?" I smiled, facing towards Dan who hadn't seemed to turn away from me all this time.

I double blinked at myself, holding in my breath as I shook a thought away. But it came back and I'm not sure it would stop.

"Are you two planning anything?"

"We were thinking of going to the park and seeing how the lake is doing, too. Probably sit indoors for most of the time though." I grinned, not taking away my eye contact from Dan.

Mum sighed, "Well, I've got things to do for now so this room is yours until your dad gets back, Phil." I nodded, finally turning away from Dan as I looked towards my mum.

"Okay," I smiled.

Mum offered a hand out for the plate, which I passed to her and she wandered off. I stood up, pulling Dan up with my hand and taking him out of the room with me. I paused, glancing towards the window that five minutes ago had been pouring with rain, replaced with a heavy onset of snow.

Dan and I shared a look. Myself playfully grinning at him, mouth parted in excitement. He scrunched his eyebrows at me before understanding my signal to glance out of the window. He did so, smiling back at me. I clapped my hands, Dan's eyes rolling at me as I headed to the front door.

Dan groaned, catching up with me, "Phiilll!" he whined, "I just got dry!"

"That's why-" I threw him one of my winter costs, keeping the other for myself, "I have coats!" I paused, waiting for a hint of Dan that wanted to head outside. He suddenly gave in, sighing as he slid the jacket on and followed me out of the door.

His laughter filled the open space around us as he ran his fingers along the bonnet of my car, making lines in the soft layer of thin snow that was falling. I paused, watching his movements. He giggled. I stuttered, "W-what?!" Dan darted away, leaving the snow drawn on.

"I swear to God Dan-!" I glared at my car, "Y-you drew a penis." he grinned, nodding. With that wide smile of his erupting every feature on his face, I'd never be able to stay mad at him. I wiped the pattern off of my car and gathered the small remnants of snow in my fist.

"Phi-" Dan began screaming, feeling the cold ice dust slither down his bare spine, "You dick!" he giggled, collecting snow from on top of the bins.

"I don't want bin juice snow!" I squealed.

"Should've thought about that before you attacked me then, shouldn't you?!" I groaned, feeling the cold fluff hit my face. I pouted, tightening my features. Dan giggled, his happy expression dropping when I wouldn't give up on my frustration, "Oh c'mon Phil!" the small smile returned to his face. I grinned back, dropping my act as he approached me. I slithered my arms around his waist when he neared enough, pulling him closer. He stared upwards at me, eyes wide and innocent, playfulness radiating off of them. I smiled, dropping the handful of snow I held in my fist onto the ground, and gripped his back properly.

I brushed my frozen fingers through his hair, slithering my finger across his jaw and below his chin. My heart rate picked up again, my forehead slowly leaning against his. I closed my eyes, smiling against the small gap of space between us.

Then we closed it.

We were still smiling into the kiss, Dan's arms wrapped under my shoulders, pulling me closer. The light touch of his soft lips against mine dragged every second out to be as long as it could be, in the best way possible. He was stunning.

I pulled my lips away, glancing instantly back into his eyes. There's no other way to describe them, apart from that they sparkled, and they were beautiful. He rested his forehead against my shoulder, my eyesight able to catch the view from him. There was a sweet old lady from across the road, who was brushing the snow off of her lavender bush staring right at us. She smiled and gave a small wave. I grinned back, removing my hand from Dan's back as he began shuffling away.

He grinned, "I think this is the time I should tell you your mum just saw us and is now watching." I groaned, giggling as I led the beautiful boy inside.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


_


	9. 9.

**Dan**

Phil's warm hand intertwined with mine as he dragged me inside, my heart still racing. He was giggling, causing me to chuckle along with his sounds of joy. He whisked me upstairs at an astonishing speed, but I guess needs must when you're trying to avoid your mother's confrontation.

He twisted around the handle and opened his door, collapsing the both of us on his bed in a fit of laughter. I was clenching my stomach, my sides beginning to ache. It was an incredible feeling to be laughing this hard since what felt, and was most likely, years. But, it felt even better to be doing it with the person I love.

My laughter slowly faded as my thoughts reached inwards. I'd known him little over two months, yet I'd given him all I reasonably could. Was that too much? I began fearing maybe I began relying on him too much already, he could fully disconnect me from his own life at any second, yet he keeps pulling me further inwards. I guess it's a risk I'd already chosen to make, whether I liked, or respected, my own decision at all. I know that, truly, I've simply got to trust him, and he has to do the same.

I felt a hand on my right shoulder, so I followed my instincts to look up. Phil had leant over me, taken my shoulder, and was staring right at me. I didn't get the normal fuzz from his direct eye contact which I normally do, instead a gut dread of it one day being removed from my eyes. He leant in, gently pecking his lips against mine before he pushed our foreheads together.

He sighed, "Shut up."

I giggled, "I didn't say anything!"

"No, but..." he moved his lips towards my forehead and pressed them against my skin, kissing where my mind was racing. After a while be pulled away, "But that was." I giggled again, turning him over so that he wasn't leaning over me any more, but instead me over him. I perched on his lap, my two legs both over his right and took hold of his body.

I whimpered pathetically, "Don't hurt me."

He chuckled, "I was planning on the exact opposite, in all honesty." I hummed, nuzzling my head into his neck. His fingers gently caressed along my neck and my body shuddered. Phil chuckled at me, "Ticklish, are you?"

"Stoppp."

"Mm?" he started brushing his hands against my sides, causing my body to squirm.

"I'll murder you!" I screamed, but he only giggled at me. I took the only escape route I was aware of and reached up when possible, pushing my lips against his. He squealed in shock, my mouth smiling against his. I wrapped my right leg around his other, comfortably sitting over his lap, while continuing to hold the kiss.

After a while, he backed away, quickly whispering, "Dan... Dan!" I groaned pulling away and begrudgingly stared at him, "I hear footsteps." I stopped, listening and then sighed, moving to his left-hand side to un-straddle him and I took my phone out in case anyone was wondering what we were doing.

There was a soft knock at the door followed by his mum speaking, "You boys _both_ decent?"

"Yes, Mum." Phil replied. I chuckled.

His mum entered partially, holding little under half of her body around the other side of the door, "I'm assuming you both need dinner?" we nodded, staring at her until she playfully sighed and left the room.

"Do...you think she knows?"

"Knows what?"

"That I'm gay?"

I considered for a moment how she very obviously saw us kissing outside her house and nodded, "Yeah, yeah I think seeing her son kiss a boy would cause that suspicion on anyone."

"Okay."

"You good?"

"Yeah... yeah."

"Do you...think you're gay?" I spoke before I realised how ridiculous that was and chuckled at my idiotic self.

"Nah." he played back.

"No?"

"Nope, I don't. Straight as a line, I am."

"Oh, guess I should stop holding my arms around you, then?"

"Or maybe you could change me." he led on quickly. I pushed my lips back against his, smiling when I pulled away.

We stayed huddled up, Phil taking his laptop out and opening the internet up. I giggled, "What ya doin'?"

"Opening the internet." he stated. I chuckled again.

"No, but...what are you doing _on_ the internet?" he looked down at me, so I looked up, then realised his raised eyebrows.

"I damn hope not that you weirdo!"

"I didn't say anything!" he innocently giggled.

"Hmm..." I took the laptop in my direction and searched up YouTube, allowing us to get absorbed into a few random videos from various channels, for the next thirty minutes or so.

"Dan?"

"Yeesss?"

"Do you think we'd be good at YouTube?"

"You would, I'm not the video type of person."

"Oh, come on!"

"What?!"

"Let's make a video."

"What?" I chuckled, "Oh fuck it, it's not like anyone will see it, if it makes you that happy."

"Yay!" he clapped his hands in a childlike manner, going to a drawer on the other side of his room and taking out a simple looking camera, "I got one out of a cereal box and recorded random junk on it, literally just walking around the house and stuff, so I decided to get a better one...that actually had colour...and now you're here!"

"Yaaay." I sarcastically cried out. He glared at me with his eyebrows raised and arms crossed, the camera tucked under his elbow, "Ugh, I'm joking Phil. What do you want to film?" I smiled, standing up and walking towards him.

He shrugged his shoulders, "Whatever we feel like?"

He placed the camera on a shelf and turned it on, the lens facing us as the red light echoed off the polished wooden surface. We sat in front of it, smiling at each other.

The video was a strange tumble of mess, filled with random jokes and out of place laughter. The only thing that could, in some way, actually make sense was that by the time Phil cut the camera, we both had cat whiskers on our face.

"Are you going to edit it and shove it online?" I asked.

"Of course, you're not the only one who has to deal with my weirdness!" He grinned as I giggled, jumping back up onto his bed from sitting on the floor. He joined me after he fiddled nonsensically around with the camera, placing it on his bedside table and wrapping his arm around my waist. I nuzzled up into his side, closing my eyes as I enjoyed the warmth of his body. He ran his fingers through my hair a few times, the action disturbed by his mum calling us down for dinner.

"Hey, you two!" she smiled. We both grinned, my smile lopsided from the tiredness I'd begun to feel from cuddling up into Phil.

"Thank you." I muttered, standing against Phil, using him as a pole to lean against.

"Is it just us two eating?"

"Yeah I did you up pizza because you can't go wrong with that," she laughed, "So, yes Phil, before you ask, you can take it upstairs." Phil smiled, nodding towards me as we took the plate of pizza and garlic bread upstairs.

We sat on his bed, his laptop starting up Wall-e as he tucked us under a blanket with the food on our laps.

"It's still snowing." he whispered, leaning his head against my shoulder. I looked out of the window and admired the fluffy drops being lit up by the red traffic light a few blocks down. My lips turned upwards as my face turned to the right. Phil looked back at me, mouthing silently _I love you_.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


_


	10. 10.

**Phil**

The bright, disturbing morning sun peeked through the sides of my drawn curtains, causing my eyes to flutter open. I looked downwards, smiling at the beautiful boy with brown hair who'd slept on the make-do bed on the floor beside me. I would've had him next to me; I wanted him next to me, but there was this wall of thin awkwardness with where we both stood with each other. Unspoken and untouched, but it was there.

I glanced at his palm that was facing upwards and hanging off of the side of the mattress, remembering the grip we shared with each other as we drifted off to sleep last night. I meant it with every word in the English language that he is a beautiful boy.

He sighed, rolling over onto his right arm, facing me. I smiled, his lips turning upwards, despite his eyes still being closed. Shortly after, his gentle lids parted, revealing the pits of brown that swallowed me in a glance.

"Morning." I smiled. He scrunched up his face, his expression appearing as if he was contemplating on whether to roll away and be comfortable or continue facing me. He didn't move.

I grunted, shoving myself off of my bed to lay down next to Dan. He shuffled backwards on his mattress, lifting the duvet up to keep me warm. I draped it over our bodies, wrapping my arms around Dan's waist and breathing in his morning scent. Even that was beautiful. I faced him, grinning again, as he did too, but his smile turned to a strong blush against his cheeks.

I giggled, "What?!" he shook his head in response, but I'd not given up, "No, what?" his chuckle turned into a choking laugh, intriguing me further, "Do I look like a mess or something?!" I screeched, rubbing my face with my palms. Dan covered his face, still shaking his head.

He took a breath, "No, no you're fine. Absolutely...fine..." he giggled again.

"Dan I'm self-conscious now, what's going on?" I pouted. He groaned, shaking his head and pressing it into my shoulder blade.

"Just...a dream that's all-" he stammered. I paused for a second before my eyes went wide and facial expression shocked. The way he was being discreet didn't help my imagination right now, nor the possibility that what I was imagining was accurate.

I picked his face up by his chin so he couldn't nuzzle himself away. He was biting his bottom lip and his cheeks were stained rose. I really don't think my creativity was too far off. I positioned his lips against mine, moving fluidly to the tug he had against my body to move me on top of him.

I disconnected our lips muttering, "You're beautiful." before closing the space one more time before rolling back over his side. He murmured, trying to pull me back over again, but I shook my head and chuckled.

"Philll..." he groaned as I pulled him upright. He flopped against my body, collapsing his entire body weight onto my left shoulder, "You're warm." he grinned against my skin.

***

Dan and I sat as close to each other as possible on the sofa, both unknowing but both appreciative of the minimal space. We held our bowls of cereal in our hands as we scooped the breakfast into our mouths. My mum entered the room in her pyjamas, joining us in our lazy attire on the other sofa.

"Are you two planning anything for today?"

"I think the weather's supposed to be clear so probably we'll head to the park." I suggested, turning to Dan who was nodding. Mum grinned.

"Did you two...sleep well?" she asked. I scrunched my eyebrows, looking upwards from my bowl and catching her expression.

"Yes, we did. We watched Wall-e and then Dan fell asleep on the mattress you put out and I slept in my bed." I stated in an affirmative tone. She rolled her eyes and I playfully shook my head at her.

I had a sudden thought; is it necessary for me to mention to my mum about my sexuality? Well, she must know...she does know, but does she want the confirmation? I sighed. I'll talk to her tomorrow evening once Dan has left to go back to his home.

Mum turned to Dan, beginning to ask him questions, "What are you currently doing then, Dan?" she began, "As in do you work, university...are you...wait you're not still in secondary school are you-?"

"Aha, no, I left last June. I'm studying law at Manchester."

"Law?" she paused, "Do you like it?"

"No, it's awful." we laughed.

"Dan...how old are you, then?" my mum asked. My face heated up.

"I-I'm...I'm eighteen?" he responded in a tone which suggested he was asking a question.

"Phil!" Mum gasped. I bit my lips.

"It's only four years Mum!"

"Don't you ever fucking hurt him or I'll get you back, you hear me?"

"Yes Mum..." I droned, bowing my head down. I heard Dan snicker next to me, so I pushed my elbow harshly into him.

"That's 'hurt' you dick!" Dan spat at me playfully.

"And that's language, Daniel." I replied in a sarcastic manner.

"Oh, it's gonna be like that then?"

"Yeah!"

"Yeah?"

"Mhm!"

Mum rolled her eyes as us and left the room, taking our empty bowls from our laps, more for the sake of them not sliding off and smashing. I grinned, standing up and offering my hand as I did so. I thought for a second he wasn't going to take it, and I believe he considered it for a moment, but he sighed and accepted the gesture.

"Only because I want your hand you douche." he grumbled. I laughed, taking him up the stairs and back into my bedroom. We exchanged a quick glance, both nodding as we knew each other's minds.

"Mario kart?" I asked.

"Mario kart."

I grabbed the Wii remotes from the side and we sat in our pyjamas, screaming at the other's head for the next couple of hours.

I won most of the rounds.

"Next time we play together I'm gonna smash your ass at this." Dan complained, throwing the remote down onto my mattress in defeat.

"Wouldn't you prefer it if I smashed _your_ ass?" I suggested, snickering at myself. Dan coughed, turning to me in surprise. I raised my eyebrows, accepting the push to my shoulder he gave me.

He didn't say no...

"Come on, let's get dressed so we can go to the park."

***

I knocked on my bedroom door in jeans, a t-shirt and jumper. Dan opened it, wearing the same line up of clothing but with different designs and much tighter jeans. I gulped, raising my eyes upwards as fast as possible, my face going red in Dan's knowing stare.

He stood out of the way of the door and I stepped back in, dumping my pyjamas on the side and sitting down with Dan lying against my body.

There's an unspoken block between the written world and real life. The written worlds being those created by directors, songwriters, poets, authors, and more. And real life being...well, our every breath of existence. In the world of the imaginations of those whom have words to put to paper, the parts of the character's lives where they sit with their minds clear and accepting of the universe, where the characters take in every breath knowingly and simply absorb their surroundings...simply living how they do; it's all missed out. Readers on the other end of the line-of-imagination don't want to spend time passing words with no meaning, when the characters sit down sipping coffee with their grandparents or sit with their love against their chest, looking out at the clear sky together and simply _being_. They don't want that because they want meaning. Why live a character's life which has as little meaning as their own? News articles, films, books, songs, dances, performances...they all have the action of a life compact into a story, but real life isn't that. If real life was like that then there would be no chance to breathe, no chance to rest, no chance to sleep easy and no chance to just _be_. Sometimes it aches to have to sit by those moments of being alone in the living room with your phone dead and TV not working, but they're still moments of your life that keep everything in perspective, no matter how draining and how unimportant they seem. All these moments mean something because these moments make it _your_ life, not some condensed literature to entertain yourself. Make the most of these moments, they're yours, like mine are mine, like Dan's are Dan's. And, in this moment like mine and Dan's, are mine and Dan's. Our moment is wonderful, I regret having wished interest our way.

***

Half-an-hour had passed before we decided to move. I led Dan outside, passing him the same coat he'd borrowed the evening before, as we trod into the bristly cold air of midday. I held my hand on his waist, my body never wanting to disconnect from his, as if I'd been regaining a lifetime's loss of his presence. I wasn't complaining, not at all.

He was shovelling the settled snow with his trainers along the concrete pavement, scuffing the bottoms of his shoes as he dragged them along the stones. I smiled fondly, shaking my head at his childlike actions and steering him into the park. There stood around a hundred trees scattered along the edges of paths across the green space, dotted with football posts and, to the far left, a frozen-over pond with a pop-up ice-skating shack to rent out skates. It was a frequent occurrence for this pond in particular to freeze-over during the winter, it was shallow too, making it safe in the inevitable event of the ice-sheet melting during the turn to spring. Dan beamed up at me, dragging my arm along with him towards the small space. We approached the small hut, peering inside and seeing no one tending to it. We shrugged at each other, taking a couple of pairs as I dumped a few quid on the side in appreciation. I loved that about the town I was raised in, people never expected crimes to happen, since it was rare they actually did.

Dan and I laced ourselves up into the clunky boots and waddled onto the stretch of ice. He burst out laughing as his body almost toppled over instantly, however my hands held him upright.

"Steady on." I giggled, giving him a push to get going, "You have skated before haven't-"

"Of course I have!" he grinned, half looking back at me, "Just not for a few years, it won't take long to get back into it." I skid to his side, holding his waist as we picked up a rhythm and circled the pond.

"The ice has never cracked while I'm on it, so if it does it's your fault!"

"It could crack?!"

"It's a small lake, of course it could! It's not deep though, it's safe."

Dan began getting cocky once he regained his confidence at the activity, attempting to skate backwards before he hit a clump of snow and had to swivel back round again. He snarled, "Shut up!" before I could make a remark. He managed to travel backwards eventually, a smile creeping into my face as I paced towards him, holding his waist and directing him around the ice.

I broke our rhythm by holding him back, pulling us to a halt. He smiled, holding his balance on his ice-skates. I held his waist firmly, and he took my shoulders, moving our bodies in sync with each other and placing our lips together.

He must have unconsciously slipped his foot because he muttered out a desperate, "Fuck!" as we both slipped backwards onto the ice sheet. I landed on top of him, glancing onto the clear layer of ice and into the world of the lake beneath. He wrapped his legs carefully around my waist, holding me close to his chest. I gawped into his eyes, admiring the glistening brown of his irises, glimmering like the shiny ice, but his mocha eyes didn't mock the murky brown beneath the ice crystals, but held their individual strong brown colouring. He pecked his lips against mine before pushing us both upwards and unknotting his shoes. I copied him, lifting both of the pairs of boots back over the unattended counter and led us on our walk home.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


_


	11. 11.

**Dan**

We finished up our plates of food and put them by the sink, Phil leading me to the sofa with his arm around my waist, attempting to slide it away when he spotted his mum in the room, but I pressed it against my side so that he couldn't escape. She looked up at the two of us, smiling as Phil squirmed away and I evilly grinned, which began turning into laughter.

She giggled, "You two can take the sofa, if you want. I'll be on my laptop in my room."

"No, Mum you don't need to-"

"No, no I'm fine with that. I think I'd prefer to with it being you two anyway-"

"Okay, thanks Mum." Phil finished, standing until his mum had begun moving out of the room. He sat us down on the sofa, putting the 9 o'clock TV shows on. Neither of us paid attention to the comedy that was on in the background, at least I believe it was comedy and not Adventure Time, but who knows. We stared at each other, the familiar smiles appearing on our faces when in the other's presence. My mud eyes sank into his cerulean ones, feeling the weight of my thoughts slowly drift off of my shoulders as the weight of his lips fell against mine. He leant over me slightly, placing his hand on my hip to keep himself balanced.

He pulled away, whispering, "Simply beautiful." towards me. I grinned, pushing myself back against him and I realised all those times when I felt as if the world was against me, as if I was alone, as if I was missing something, as if I was being asked too much of, as if I was utterly useless, had all sunken away because Phil was the answer to those, and for the last two months, my world hadn't been the same. I guess my planet couldn't survive without my sun.

I suddenly darted away from Phil, looking over his shoulder to see the living room door shut. My mouth gawped open.

"What?" Phil whispered. His concern was followed by a whispered shout from a male voice.

"Kathryn?! Is Phil gay?!"

I gulped, choking down a burst of laughter as Phil went bright red and his body heated up against mine. We never heard his mum's answer, and I'm not sure if that made it any better. For Phil, at least, since I was in hysterics.

I leant in to gently kiss Phil again, but he backed away, his lips tightly pushed together and head in a shake. That was the final straw; a loud snort erupted from my nostrils and I was bent over my diaphragm in laughter.

"This isn't funny!" he whined, pushing my shoulder. I tried telling him it was, but settled for a head nod when I still couldn't form words from my lips.

I eventually calmed down, holding him in my arms as the cerulean daytime sky turned black just beyond the clear glass of his windows.

"Should we head to your room?" I whispered after our long time in silence.

"I don't want to." he protested, "You're going home tomorrow."

There's an absence of phrase for the lack of time you have someone, and are dreading the ending which is fast approaching. It's not disappointment, since you appreciate the time you've had; it's not sadness, because there's no feeling of wanting to cry. It's a hollowed-out dread, one filled with love and wilful patience for the time to come to a close.

"But I am getting tired." there was a pause. He led me up the stairs and into his room, picking his pyjamas up from the side. We both heard a door close and the showerhead run, turning to each other with the look of, _what now_? "My... Dad's in the bathroom." he said awkwardly, looking down towards the clothes in his fist. I gulped, stepping forwards and taking the bottom rim of his t-shirt, looking into his dilated pupils as I slowly and calmly lifted the cloth over his head. I saw his chest heavily rising and deflating as I approached again, pressing my lips against his, while feeling a smile form against his face. I picked the clump of clothing from his fist, picking out the top and wriggling it over his body. He trailed his fingers along my hips, then took the hem of my shirt upwards, as I did for him. He held my tee in his hand, while wrapping his arms around my waist and placing his lips against my neck, gently and softly. I held my body firm, resisting my instinct to squirm. He didn't pass me my pyjama top, however, but instead took a step back and stared at my body, causing me to redden in my cheeks. I pouted, moving forwards and unbuckling his trousers, slipping them down as he stepped out of them. He looked at me expectantly, suddenly realising two could play at this game. He giggled, looking downwards and lifting an eyebrow. I could've resisted, moving my hands over the buckle or holding my useless belt up, but I froze as my heart raced and his fingers slipped my skinny jeans down my legs. I stepped out of them, leaving myself exposed in only my underwear. I approached him, teasing him with my lips as I closed our faces, but then turning to his ear, whispering, "Can I have my clothes, Lester?" he nodded, passing me my pyjama bottoms, but throwing the shirt to the side as he put his own trousers on. I reached a hand out expectantly for my item of clothing, a sense of shock filling me when instead he took my hand in his and tucked us both under his bed covers.

"Don't push it, Howell, I already think you're wearing too much." I gulped, nodding submissively at the tone of voice and nuzzled into his shoulder. His palm moved against my waist while his middle finger drew circles against my skin. I hummed, falling asleep against the warmth of the boy I loved.

***

I wriggled, becoming confused when I realised I was being held down. I opened my eyes, finding the morning light seeping into Phil's room and reflecting against the far wall. I shuffled again, moving my arms to find the restriction. My hands found their way to Phil's arms, my chest tightening as I recollected falling asleep against him. I smiled, nuzzling backwards into his chest, with his arms wrapped around my waist from behind.

"Morning sleepy." a hoarse voice grumbled from behind me. I grinned wider than I ever had before, turning behind me and seeing Phil staring back into my eyes. I threw myself closer into him, receiving a surprised huff from the sudden affection. He giggled, stroking his fingers through my hair, then running them along my bare back.

"You're hot." I chuckled, admiring the messy bed head and tired eyes.

"Each to their own...I guess?" Phil stammered, confused and uncertain. He sat up, stretching his body out and lifting me upwards too.

"Oi!" I squirmed, falling into his lap in protest of not wanting to get up. He sighed, picking me up and carrying me bridal-style out of the bed. I sat on the edge, watching Phil as he collected his glasses and threw them against his face. He looked at me, playfully rolling his eyes as he threw my top at me.

"Oh, so I'm allowed this _now_?" I remarked as I slipped the material over my shoulders.

"Either that or you can face my parents, _after_ my dad saw us making-out while topless." I blushed, nodding in understanding and looking up. I grinned. He offered a hand out to me, but I remained sitting. Phil groaned, "Dan I'm not carrying you out of my room."

As Phil carried me down the stairs, I played with a loose strand of hair falling in his eyes. He smiled at me, placing me carefully down at the bottom so we could walk in as far apart from each other as possible.

"Morning, Dad." he grumbled. His dad's head darted up, looking awkward and nodding. We walked through to the kitchen where his mum was pouring milk into a bowl empty of cereal.

"Toast?" Phil asked. I nodded as his mum's head turned away at the realisation of our presence.

"Oh, morning boys!" she grinned as she now poured cereal into the bowl, followed by a spoon. I watched Phil take out the bread from the fridge as we simultaneously said good morning back to her. I gawped at Phil as if he was some extraterrestrial space creature, with the cold bread in his hand. Something's up with these Lesters.

***

"Okay." Phil sighed, his hands on my hips.

"Nope, no, not at all." I squeaked. He pulled me into a tight hug: the time-rush we were in pulled us apart.

"After Christmas, promise we'll see each other again."

"Please." I whimpered. Phil's coat remained draped over my shoulders. I reached to remove it from my over my body, but he grasped my waist.

"Keep it for winter, you can give it back when we next meet." the simple gesture brought a flutter to my heart, in a way it comforted me with the fact that we would meet again.

I blinked back my watery eyes and I could tell Phil was struggling. We both knew that if he began tearing up, we'd both be a mess in seconds because I'm not holding myself together anymore. I don't think I ever was, I just have Phil to keep me stable now.

He sighed, "I'll Skype tonight?" and I nodded, closing my arms around his body a final time as he pressed our lips together.

"A-a-" my voice broke, tears croaking up my throat, "And good luck with your parents when you get back." he chuckled, shaking his head.

"I think I'll be alright." he spoke through laughter. We both stood in an embrace, unable to remove our bodies from each other. Ten minutes had passed when we realised it was slowly becoming ridiculous. It wasn't as if we were going off to be killed, it was just a month or two. He promised.

" _How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard_. The wise words of a yellow bear I never understood truly until now." I stuttered. He calmly smiled, running his fingers through my hair as he pushed me off, allowing the small crowd to pull me away. I looked over my shoulder, and there he was, still waving me off. The concrete slabs and yellow warning lines which marked the end of our visit didn't bring me sadness, but instead hope. I hoped for the future, instead of wishing for it, for the first time that I could count.

And I had no doubt Phil would be there too.

_


	12. 12.

**Phil**

I sighed.

Then I moved myself towards a wall and leant my back against it, pulling my phone out of my pocket.

"Hey bud, are you alright, this is a bit random-" Pj stuttered in concern on the other end of the call.

"I love him." I spat out, eyes clenched and fists sweaty.

"Well-"

"I mean I really fucking love him and he's just had to leave and I feel _empty._ Why do I feel lonelier than I did before I had him? How does that work?"

"Phil. Who the frazzle are we talking about?"

"Dan. Dan Howell. Chris' best friend."

"Holy shit."

"Mmhmm." there was silence on both ends of the call.

"...Did you fuck?"

"Pj!" I shouted, receiving confused looks from passerbys in the station around me. "No, we didn't."

"Well, hold off on Dan for a second. What's been going on?"

"So, as you know, we've been contacting nonstop for the past two months and he stayed a couple of nights at mine and we kissed on the first day and he's beautiful and he makes me so damn happy and he's gorgeous and his laugh fills the room and he gets along with my parents and I don't think I could get better than him he's...he's perfect. He's Dan."

"Yeah, you're in love."

I groaned, "How would you know?"

"Oh, update skiddely doo: Chris and I are together." he stopped, waiting for a reaction. I didn't reply, "Phil?"

"Yeah?"

"Anything...?"

"What...you thought I didn't know?"

"Okay fair enough. We fucked by the-"

" _PJ_ _!_ " I hissed.

"TMI?"

"Yes!"

"Okay well, with your gay situation-"

"Holy hell I'm gay."

"Well done, glad you realised. Have you told your parents?"

"My mum saw our first kiss and then my dad saw us making out on the sofa, then afterwards screamed at my mum, asking if we were gay...so I believe so?"

"Are you going to confirm it?"

"Should I?"

"Up to you mate. I would, but I like drama...so do you, by the sounds of it, getting with an eighteen-year-old."

"Jeez dude!" I whisper-screamed.

"Stating facts!"

"Ugh, okay hold on I'm going to get in my car and drive back, stay on the call."

"Okay. Wait...you haven't left the station?"

"No, I didn't want to leave Dan."

"Awe."

"Shut up, frog."

"Frog? That's a new one."

"So is me being gay! A day of discoveries this is!"

"Pff, I've known you were gay since you were sixteen!"

"That fucking beach."

"He was good looking, I won't lie!" there was chuckling from either side of the call. We continued talking until I was parked outside of my house.

"Okay...I'm here."

"Good luck."

"Fuck, I'm going to be questioned the second I enter."

"Enjoy the attention!"

"I'm not you!"

"Eh, try it I'm a cool guy." he remarked. I sighed.

"Yeah, you are. Thanks. See you!"

"Bye!" he spat out. I ended the call, slipping my phone in my back pocket and opening my car doors. I locked them behind me, opening the house door and stepping in. My parents were both in the living room, sitting on either couch, with their heads darting towards me.

I entered, taking my shoes off as I moved into the front room. I sat down next to my mum, crossing my legs and looking down.

"We love you, sweety." my Mum began.

"Ask all you want, I know you're intrigued." I chuckled. I felt the squeal my mum gave beside me with the permission.

"When did you meet? How long did you know? Did you have sex? Oh god, save that outside my house. He's a lovely lad, I think he's gorgeous. Did I see your first kiss? You two are already on your knees for each other-"

"Kathryn." Dad warned.

"Oh, sorry darling." Mum apologised to me.

I took a breath in before giving my story out, "I didn't know I was gay until we were kissing in the snow, but somehow I knew I loved him before that. He really is amazing." I paused, before adding, "No, we didn't have sex." and heard my dad sigh in relief.

I suddenly felt an onslaught of emotion as everything from the past week caught up with me. All the love, the happiness, the dread, the loss, the bliss, the beautiful boy...

"Oh, Phil..." Mum sighed before I even realised I was sobbing. "What's this about?"

"Just...I don't...everything." she ran her fingers along the back of my neck, soothing me and I regained myself. "I want him back here."

"All in good time, darling." Mum smiled. I sighed.

"I'm going to grab all the snacks then cry in my room, give me three hours minimum."

"Okay, but don't take the Jaffa Cakes and drink lots of water!"

***

There was a knock on my door.

"It's not even two hours yet-"

"Phil, it's me." PJ said from outside my bedroom door, "I called your mum and she said you were a mess so I have popcorn, biscuits, and Shrek."

"Permission to enter granted."

"Thank you sire." we chuckled, PJ flopping beside me on my bed. "Jeez, you'd think you're going through a breakup."

"I'm hungry." I pouted. He shrugged his shoulders, smiling his cheerful smile at me and piling more junk food onto my lap.

"You're drinking water right-"

"Yessss." I groaned. PJ was seriously like my parent sometimes.

I laid back on the bed, my head pressed against the pillow as I took a moment to let the last day slow down. Everything had moved so fast and so quickly and I could guarantee I was experiencing more emotions in one day than I had in the past entire week.

I felt my phone buzz beside me, taking it out and grinning widely at the name shown.

_Dan_ _10_ _:_ _32pm_ _\- Home safely, miss you :(_ _xx_

_Phil_ _10_ _:_ _32pm_ _\- Miss you too, watching_ _Shrek_ _with my father_ _PJ_ _lol :P_

_Dan_ _10_ _:_ _32pm_ _\- Wish I was there :c_

_Phil_ _10_ _:_ _32pm_ _\- So do I :(_

_Phil_ _10_ _:_ _32pm_ _\- What are you doing?_ _Xx_

_Dan_ _10_ _:_ _33pm_ _\- Sitting sadly on my bed in my underwear playing Halo._

_Phil_ _10_ _:_ _33pm_ _-_ _Damn_ _, now I really wish I was with you ;)_

_Dan_ _10_ _:_ _33pm_ _\- You should ;P_

_Dan_ _10_ _:_ _33pm_ _\- Are you free Jan 2+3?_

_Phil_ _10_ _:_ _34pm_ _\- should be... :)_

_Dan_ _10_ _:_ _34pm_ _\- Wanna get the train down for the night?_

_Phil_ _10_ _:_ _34pm_ _\- Yes!!! Xxx_

PJ grinned over, raising an eyebrow towards me as he shook his head, not even having to guess who I was texting. I sighed, the giddy feeling returning to my stomach in anticipation because for the first time ever, I was wishing Christmas away; however, for a very good reason. I returned to my phone awaiting a few weeks' time. It was strange, but as soon as I saw Dan, I instantly knew an adventure was about to happen.  
  
  
  
  
  


_


	13. 13.

**Dan**

_Phil_ _12_ _:_ _02am_ _\- Happy new year beautiful :P xxx_

_Dan_ _12_ _:_ _02am_ _\- Happy year of the new :D_ _xxxx_

***

I lied in my bed with my duvet draped over my body and my eyes still closed from sleep. I smiled, then clenched my eyes to turn over, hoping the time wasn't too long away from when Phil would arrive, I squinted at my alarm clock: 12:25pm. I had two and a half hours before he arrived. Perfect.

I groaned, heaving my limbs away from my covers and sliding away from my mattress. I rummaged my drawers for some clothing and returned to my typical black skinny jeans and a lucky-dip-drawn black t-shirt. I pulled the materials over my body and slithered into the bathroom, making myself generally presentable. I slipped out of the room and along the hallway, heading down the stairs to grab some midday breakfast.

"Morning sleepy." my mum greeted. I picked up a box of crunchy nut, "Remember your dad and I are off at four today." I grinned, looking away.

"Yeah." I nodded, hiding my blush.

Mum sighed, turning her body towards me which gave an unsettling atmosphere to the room, "So, I have an hour to meet this Phil, do I?"

"Yep." I confirmed, trying overly hard to be cool about the situation.

"Okay, just set up the second bed and don't eat the entire kitchen." she huffed, leaving the conversation at that. I nodded, walking away from the kitchen to munch on my meal in the living room. I pulled out my phone and scoured ferociously through the internet to attempt to pass the dreaded wait for Phil's arrival, eventually being pulled into a, what I thought, was a short story on Reddit.

The short story began as a horror-esque tale, a poor man was being hunted down by a strange shadow creature. He strongly believed this creature killed his parents and brother. The police didn't listen to his calls properly, since he sounded insane, and had no friends, in fact, he was horrifically bullied when he was at school. One day a woman came into his life and the shadow creature started disappearing. She never told him she didn't believe it existed, but she strongly felt as if it was a figment of his imagination. Two months had passed with no appearance of the creature and the man started describing how safe he felt in this world he would now call his own, but then the creature came back, and took his girlfriend away.

It fucked me up it did. I didn't realise how absorbed I got into it until I pulled my face away from my phone with watery eyes and confusion as to where my own existence was. It's strange how songs and stories can do that; pull you into the mind of another person, to have it taken away at a full stop. That wisp of life that you felt as if you'd experienced snatched right before you, and gone. I wished I could be someone like that, someone able to pull people out of their own lives for ten minutes or so to be able to give them another emotion. Preferably happiness, what would be the point in creating a masterpiece that only brought hundreds down? I couldn't do any of this if I was to become a lawyer; I wanted to create.

I almost squealed at the time provided on my phone screen, realising I was little more than ten minutes away from Phil being back in my arms. I fidgeted on my seat for a minute before violently standing upwards shouting, "Screw it!" I threw on Phil's coat and marched out the front door.

The sky was a warm shade of grey. It's hard to describe that, but it was as if the grey of the clouds were forming a shelter above me, protecting me from the world around. I didn't need their protection, not when I was walking to meet Phil.

I saw a hazy figure wearing a purple coat, too obscure to tell who it could be, exactly. But my heart knew and I've given up on saying it was my racing chest because I knew all the while it wasn't my lungs, it wasn't my stomach, it was my damn heart. And it knew. I felt it race, causing me to leap down the path in a run, colliding against my black-haired boy.

His laugh filled the streets, his arms protected a nation and his eyes filled my smile. Phil brushed my fringe back with his thumb to reveal my eyes beneath the mess of brown. He pressed his lips to mine, tracing the outline of my body over my - his - coat. I slumped my head against his shoulder, embracing the way his arm felt against my cold body through the thick materials, as we walked along the pavement back to my home. He mentioned every last detail over his Christmas, repeating ones I'd heard already and giving life to new ones. He apologised for talking so long at the end, but I was so absorbed into his stories I became offended at how he thought he was nattering on. Even his voice was perfect.

I unhooked the frozen latch and unlocked the door, pushing the handle open and allowing the warm rush of air to engulf Phil and me. We scraped our boots and hung our coats, moving into the living room.

My mum smiled towards us, "You must be Phil." she friendly beamed.

"Nice to meet you." Phil responded, returning the welcoming smile. I remained in my place, my body tense and pulse rigid. It isn't every day that you introduce someone you love to your parents, especially when you have the evening alone and your parents know you're gay _and_ you're really socially awkward so you didn't know how to host a guest. But Phil knew me.

"Is it alright if I have a glass of water and change my socks? My lips are dry from the cold and I stepped in a puddle." my mum and I chuckled, both nodding as I led him into the kitchen to fetch him his drink, all the while he rummaged for dry socks. He finally pulled a pair out, the pattern of various pokémons spread across them. His smile beamed up at me, showing the socks he had. It didn't take much for this man to be happy, not much at all when he was proud of such a simple item of clothing.

We locked eye contact, his smile relaxing as he stood up from his crouched position, leading himself over as he wrapped an arm around me. I suddenly felt cold liquid run down my hand, panic flooding through my body as I realised I was spilling the glass of water all over the counters, "Damnit!" I shouted, passing Phil the half-empty glass and wiping down the sides.

I sighed, holding the moist towel in my hands as I burst out into laughter over my clumsiness. He smiled down at me, taking my waist in his hand and glancing back into my eyes.

"You're really cold. Your lips are slightly grey." he furrowed.

"Change that." I challenged, the buzz within me sparking up as he kissed me again, "I've missed you."

It was me and him. It was us two in a world of our own where there was nothing to consider; nothing to worry about; nothing to give a second glance. Nothing, but the other. There were no crowds and no second glares, it was the two of us. It was love. The calm before the storm, it was.

I was stood in the kitchen with my love's arms around my waist, my toes on the tip to press my lips against his. And we were smiling. Nobody could stop us.

Phil glanced upwards, grinning into the distance as I spun around to see my mum. A sigh left her lips, with the hint of a smile. But was it happiness? Did she know then?

I turned back to him, taking a small step backwards as if that could cover anything at all.

"Let's...have a chat." Mum quietly told us. I grinned, pursing my lips and pulling Phil behind me by his wrist in my naïve movements. The three of us sat calmly on the sofas, my parents' bags leaning against the front door, begging for them to leave as much as I internally felt. "How was the journey, Phil?"

"It was good, thanks. Are you using trains to..." he responded, winding off of his sentence.

"No, we're driving."

"Ah, there're delays on some, luckily I didn't get caught." he chuckled.

"How long was the journey?"

"A couple of hours, not too long."

"You're from Manchester, aren't you?"

"Yeah, not too far off the city."

"Um, what do you do Phil? Do you do anything?" my mum asked. I felt him go rigid beside me, my head turning towards him in a mix of confusion and concern.

"You...work in retail." I spoke for him.

"Yeah."

"Phil..." I lengthened out in tone, expressing my demand to understand what was going on.

"Uh, well...we better be off. Be safe you two. See you another time, Phil. It was lovely meeting you."

"You too!" he chirped, my face still furrowed towards him.

The second the door closed behind my parents I darted my head back towards him, "So?" I snapped too hostilely, shuffling back from him a few centimetres.

"Dan, it's nothing to worry about! I promise." he comforted me. I relaxed slightly, "YouTube."

"YouTube?"

"I do YouTube."

My face slightly resembled a goldfish in expression as certain areas were cleared of grey fog.

"Oh. That's- the video we did..."

"This is why I waited to be in-person to mention anything further about that video."

"Phil's, what's happened?"

"Dan, I think we could do this."

"Do what?! You're speaking in more riddles than Jimney fucking Cricket!"

"A double act. You and me. On YouTube. We could do it together."

"What?"

"Okay so, let me explain-"

"Yes, please."

"I've been posting random videos on YouTube for about a year, they never got much notice but I had five hundred subscribers-" my eyes widened.

"Not much notice?! Had?!"

"Dan. They want more. That video we did together quadrupled the views I normally get and I've tripled subscribers. There's no reason we can't at least try this-"

"I'm in."

"You're in?"

"Yeah, after all...what could be the worst that happens?"  
  
  
  
  
  


_


	14. 14.

**Phil**

We were curled on his sofa, my fingers curling through his hair as the world played out in front of us.

"Idiotic things we've done!"

"Strange animals we look like."

"Playing Mario Kart as Dan loses his mind!"

"We should bring Chris and Peej into this. Speaking of them...do you know what's going on? Chris is being weird."

"They're together."

"You think?"

"I know. I never see PJ any more, but at least he's happy."

"Yeah."

"Mm."

"Chris kept me going, you know?"

"What do you mean?" I asked, turning Dan's face to look at me, by his chin.

"I wanted to give up. I was tired and lost. He never let me down, though. He promised me a better life. It's almost like he had us planned."

"I wouldn't be surprised if he did, in all honesty." I chuckled, "But I'm not letting you go, either."

"I know."

"Good."

"Water fighting in the middle of winter."

"We'd freeze!"

"It'd be for YouTube!" he whined. I chuckled, rolling over onto him and pressing my lips against his.

"What about us?" I asked.

"What do you mean?"

"Would they know?"

"Do they need to? Let them assume, let them guess, let them figure it out. Why would we need to confirm anything if we just love each other on-screen like we do off?"

"Depends how much we 'love each other' off-screen, might not be legal on."

"Phil!" Dan snapped at me. I sniggered, meeting my lips back against his. He hummed, wrapping his elbows around my neck and pulling me closer. My heart rate quickened, pushing my forehead beside his for comfort as he ran his hand over my pushed-back fringe. I suddenly became aware of how his heartbeat was noticeable against my chest. I wouldn't have noticed if it wasn't for his quick breathing bringing my attention to his rising torso, because our hearts were beating in the same rhythm.

I looked at his lips, noticing the pinker tinge they had to them than normal. Since when did I pay attention to the colour of his lips so much? I grinned, pressing down on them with my own. He hummed, giggling. I felt him thrust against me, his giggling suddenly halting as he pulled himself into the sofa. My face heated up and my body tensed.

"Phil I'm sorry-" he quietly muttered. I took a breath in and ignored the burning sensation across my entire body, returning the kiss we had only seconds ago. He paused, unexpected of my action, but soon relaxed again. His legs wrapped around my waist as I held my body weight against my elbows. I pulled back briefly.

"Why be sorry when this is what you had planned?" I grinned, enjoying the shocked squeal underneath me as I ran my lips back against his, where they belonged. I moved myself down towards his neck, leaving a trail of soft brushes along his jawline, keeping myself together as he squirmed beneath me.

I let the weight of my body pull me lower, somehow still mildly shocked at the friction between our lower halves. He tensed again and I felt his arms flex against my shoulders. I pulled back slightly, softly looking into his eyes. I saw the tip of his nose brush pink, causing me to smile while I pecked my grin against his cheek.

I sat upwards, his legs falling down away from my sides, so I lifted my shirt over my shoulders, tossing it to the side before reaching my lips back down to him. I gently trailed my fingertips along his sides, taking grip when I reached the rim of his t-shirt. He lifted his arms up, allowing me to remove the item of clothing. He sat up against me, his hands slipped under my shoulders with mine around his waist, all the while our lips pressing harder against each other.

It was as if it was perfect. It was the two of us in a house alone filled with love for each other. It couldn't have been more ideal. So why did it feel almost _wrong_?

Dan backed away, squinting his eyes at me, "Phil, are you alright?" I nodded, burrowing my head into his bare collar. His soft fingertips trailed along the back of my neck sending tingles along my spine. I shivered, causing the both of us to giggle. I was kneeling in-between Dan's legs, my arms wrapped around his body as a source of comfort, "Talk to me." he whispered.

"I love you."

"I love you too, Phil. But please, what's wrong?" I took a sigh. What _was_ wrong? It's as if everything had aligned, all but one star. I just didn't know what it was.

"Either nothing or nothing my brain can figure out right now."

"You're good, then?"

"Yeah, I am." I confirmed.

"Then can we go upstairs?" A childish grin slipped onto my face as my skin dyed pink. I nodded, stepping over him and taking his topless body in bridal style, "Phil! No! You'll drop me!" he squirmed. I pouted, setting him down once we'd reached the bottom of the stairs. He simpered, lightly laying his lips back on mine for a brief second before pulling away to lead me up the stairs. My heart drummed to the rhythm of his steps.

He threw open a door and stepped backwards into his room. I caught up with him, capturing his body in my arms. He wriggled an arm free, tucking his fringe behind his ear before he paused there, gazing into my eyes. I grinned widely as I noticed a bright mist to his eyes that hadn't been there before.

"You're happy."

He paused before shyly uttering, "I am." he nuzzled his forehead into the front of my neck, squealing when I toppled him over backwards onto his bed. The front of our bodies laid pressed together as I connected our lips. I felt his hands slip around my belt, my throat tightening. He unhooked them as I unhooked his, chuckling out of nerves. He gave me a confused look and I shook my head, blushing profusely. His jaw dropped slightly, revealing a tiny 'o' in his expression.

I began shifting my jeans down when Dan held both his hands on either side of my waist, "Phil, we don't have to. I'm sorry-"

"Don't have to what?" I challenged, my eyebrows lifted and a smirk against my lips. His eyes widened in shock, and I was confident his cheeks would be stained a deep shade of pink from how violently he was flushed. I chuckled, kissing his mortified expression, "I want to."

"Never call me out like that again." he stubbornly whined.

"No promises there, Daniel." I slipped my jeans off and helped Dan out of his. He wriggled farther up his bed, curling into himself slightly when he caught me admiring him. I noticed the embarrassment, leaning over him and kissing his chest. He relaxed against my touch. I raised my lips back up to his, feeling his soft skin against my torso as I held myself on my elbows. I couldn't see him grin, but I felt it against my face.

He shuffled, returning his legs around my waist to pull me closer to him, to which I didn't hesitate. I paused for a moment before giving in to myself and carefully pushing my lower half down towards Dan. My arms shook beneath me as my brain over thought the move, but he pulled himself up to me, closing any remaining distance. I let us sink down, our bodies touching at every angle, and we smiled.

I felt the heat from the afternoon sun seep in through his window as we lied against each other. I felt a tightness in my abdomen and tried backing away from Dan, but he kept me locked in place.

"Stay with me." he whispered. I wanted to reply _"forever"_ but I couldn't utter more than a hum in response. He tugged himself back into me, the knot in my stomach growing tighter. He opened his eyes, smiling directly at me. I pursed my lips and broke eye contact, tilting my head away.

He slowly sat us up, gliding his fingers towards my back and held the band of my boxers. His eyes relaxed into mine, a feeble but warm smile appearing on his lips. I kissed them, then slid my underwear down.

I knelt naked on the bed, my heart racing and mind unsure of what to do. Dan unwrapped his legs and sat on his feet in front of me, looking up at my heated face.

"I love you." he softly spoke. I nodded, still unable to form words, causing us to chuckle together.

He looked downwards at me, then back up, before he slowly lowered his head. I shuffled my position, my back hitting the wall behind me and hands clenching Dan's bedsheets. He waited for me to stop fidgeting and my breathing to steady slightly before taking himself down on my length. A small squeal escaped my lips, despite the lack of surprise. He tightened his lips around me and began moving himself downwards. I tugged on the duvet cover and clenched my eyes shut to resist thrusting into him. He quickened his pace and soft, uncontrollable sighs passed through my lips as he continued to hold me in his throat.

"D-Dan..." I whimpered. He pulled way and looked up, my head nodding at him. He shifted backwards towards the head of the bed, his chest beginning to noticeably rise and fall as he subtly wiped his hands on the fabric beside him.

I moved towards him, his legs slowly parting as I approached. He looked to his left and I opened the top draw in his eye-line to see him nod in my peripheral vision. I took out the bottle, checking the label first, despite Dan's confirming nod, and poured the lube against my fingers. He physically relaxed into the bed and parted his legs slightly more. I pressed my cold hand against him, causing a squirm from his movements. He nodded.

I slid my middle finger into him, and waited for his body to relax again. He did, nodding to beg me to continue. I moved myself in circles before adding another finger, slowly causing him to whimper in desperation.

"Phil-" he squeaked. I pulled my hand away and returned to the drawer, ripping open a conveniently placed condom from beside his bed and fumbling it over myself. I reopened the bottle and poured the liquid over my dick before placing my hands either side of Dan. He lifted his back, wrapping his legs around the middle of my body as I knelt slightly upwards. I carefully pushed myself into him, halting when his body tightened.

"Okay..." he sighed. I pushed farther in and waited for him to settle again.

Once he was calm, I began slowly moving outwards before shifting back in. He nodded at me, so I quickened my pace.

I stopped suddenly, after a while, when he took a sharp intake of breath; mouth parting and body tensing. I moved back in on the spot, releasing a moan from Dan's mouth. He pushed into me, causing himself to shake beneath my thrusts.

I kept with the same rhythm inside of him, his eyes clenched and breathing shaking. He moved his hand down himself, stroking his erection before mumbling my name. I took over his actions, his body vibrating as he finished and my movements riding out his orgasm. He clenched himself around me, the tightness sending an unfamiliar heat throughout my abdomen as my panting became heavier, the knot undoing itself. I removed my body from Dan's and took off the condom, tossing it into the nearby bin. The boy with the mess of curls against his skull opened his arms out to me to collapse in his embrace.

He tilted his body on his side, wrapping his right leg around mine and nuzzling into my shoulder, both of our breathing still irregular and heavy.

After a few minutes he whispered into my ear, "We might have to move in together soon." so I chuckled, stroking his curled hair and silently agreeing.

"Maybe I'll keep an eye out for Manchester apartments." I suggested. There were a few moments of silence before he spoke again.

"I was being kinda serious."

"So was I."  
  
  
  
  
  


_


	15. 15.

**Dan**

I've decided that Phil is my favourite colour. I don't know what part, so all of him. As we lied tangled on top of my bedsheets in early January, it was his eyes. They say pictures speak a thousand words, but Phil's eyes didn't need to say any.

"Dan?"

"Mm." I sleepily responded.

"Be my boyfriend." he demanded.

I was caught off guard for a second until I simply muttered, "Ok." I don't think 'no' would've made sense as an answer as we were spread naked beside each other. I scrunched my eyebrows, "When are you going home?"

"I don't know, why?"

"Don't go."

"I mean, I'll have to at some point, but for as long as I'm welcomed by your parents."

"Eh, they're away for two more nights and after that...I'm an adult, anyway! They can't tell me what to do."

"Dan!" I whined, "I'm not overstaying my welcome."

"You just don't want to be confronted by my mother again!"

"That's not it! She's a nice woman!"

"Pussy."

"Dan I'm not fooling for this."

"Fooling for what?!"

"You're not tricking me into staying here forever."

"Fine..." I gave in, "But I'm looking at Manchester apartments." I huffed and Phil groaned as he felt my weight over his body while I leant on top of him to collect my laptop. He looked over at my screen.

"Don't click that one, the one below it." He told me. I scrunched my eyebrows in confusion, but did as he told me to, "Scroll down...and there."

"Oh my God," I gasped with my mouth open in shock, "You've already been looking!"

"I've missed you, okay?!" he whined, burying his head behind my back.

"It's really cheap."

"Exactly."

"Bet someone died in it."

"Probably."

"Can we afford it?"

"If you can scrape up sixty quid extra a month, then yeah."

"I can get a job. Mum pays a part of my uni room anyway."

We paused.

"Should I buy it? Have you looked at the terms and conditions and stuff?"

"Yeah. I can get my parents to run them over to check." Phil suggested.

"Are we gonna rent an apartment together?"

"...Yes?" he agreed in questioning. We chuckled in surprise at each other. There was a pause as we continued to consider this within our minds.

"I'll talk to my dad first, to get him to confirm everything is alright, and ask to borrow some money until we can pay him back, just to get us started on the rent."

"...Okay." I spoke, still in slight shock. He turned his face to grin at me, pressing his lips against my face after he'd done so. I hummed, holding my hand against his shoulder, "Now what?" I asked, pulling away from my black-haired boy.

"Getting dressed might be a good plan."

***

"Oh my god, there's so many holes."

"I know right, it could literally fall over any second. I'm surprised your clumsiness hasn't knocked it over!"

"I'm not _that_ clumsy!" Phil complained, placing another brick on top of the Jenga tower.

"Pfft." I huffed.

He pouted, "When's the pizza arriving?"

"Any second, I guess." I sat, face concentrating on the single brick I was removing. The doorbell rang.

"Food!" he shouted, turning around, but pausing upon hearing a crumble of bricks.

"Phil! You knocked the tower over!" I whined untruthfully.

"No I didn't! I didn't feel my body hit it! The doorbell scared you!"

"As if! It was your fault," I complained, "go get the pizza." He grinned at me, continuing his journey towards the door and collecting the two pizzas, passing the money towards the teenage worker and thanking her.

"Here you go, Monsieur." He elaborately spoke as he passed the greasy pizza box into my hands. I rolled my eyes, holding my arms out for him to curl into me.

"You know when we live together, we can't eat pizza every night." I began.

"Yeah..."

"And I have to go to my uni course _sometimes_." I continued.

"And I'd be at work."

"I don't want that, I want us to constantly be idiots all-day every day with each other."

"But we've gotta afford the pizza."

"Ugh, won me over there." I grinned, admiring the beauty in front of me, "I wonder what our life will be in a year."

"In a month."

"In ten years?"

"Hopefully just the same but with more Marvel, more YouTube, more pizza, and more sex."

"Ph-!" I began, cutting myself short, "...Yeah hopefully."

He giggled, pressing his pizza-lips against mine, "But we'll still be together. I promise."

"What if one of us dies?" I teased in questioning.

"Won't happen."

"What happens if...one of us gets in a coma."

"Won't happen."

"How do you know?!"

"We're soulmates, we're supposed to be together."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

"I'll take you up in ten years saying that."

"Good."

"What happens if we just fall out of love?" I spoke sadly.

"Not possible. I'm never falling out of love with you."

"Neither am I."

"So that's sorted."

"But still...fine, what if I'm actually a murderer?"

"Well, are you?"

"...no." I sighed, "What happens if we're actually cousins or something?"

"Ew Dan! No! There's like a 0.01% chance that's likely and even then, would it matter? Not like we're having biological kids together."

"Kids?"

"I was just saying!"

"How many kids do you want?" I pushed him further in his words.

"Dan...!" he whined.

"No, I'm serious!"

"Like... two?" he paused, "What about you?"

"I've always wanted three."

"Three works." he grinned.

I giggled, curling into him with my last pizza slice in my hand, "Wait, when did I eat my pizza?"

"When you were ranting to me about how we're incestuous." Phil sarcastically remarked. I grinned, him turning to me as we both began laughing to each other.

"Phil, you don't have to answer, but what age were you adopted?"

"From birth. First week, apparently."

"Do you ever wish that you knew your birth parents?"

"I wish I knew what they looked like, but I couldn't have asked for better than my parents, so not really."

"What age do you think we could adopt from?"

"Any, why?"

"Not sure. I'm just thinking, I guess, about how it'd be for the child."

"As long as they love the adoptive parents, there's nothing to worry about." he comforted me. I grinned, finally starting my last slice of pizza.

"Do you want the last two slices of mine? I'm full."

"Never ask, just give." I spoke to the pizza.

"Damn, you like your pizza."

"I'd do anything for pizza." I seriously spoke.

"Well, now I know how to get you to fulfil my kinks."

"I don't need pizza for that-" I deadpanned, "But I'll still eat it." I hurriedly added.

"Horny shit."

"Yep." I confirmed, taking a bite of Phil's slice from his hand. We sat on the floor in front of the sofa curled together, simply enjoying the other's company and being wrapped in his arms. "I've never been this happy." I spoke softly.

"Well, it gets even better."  
  
  
  
  
  


_


	16. 16.

**Three months later.**

**Phil**

Dan excitedly squealed as he ran into my arms, feeling the warmth of my body against his own. He grinned upwards, then burrowed his head into my neck for comfort.

"This is it," I spoke, "Once you get your boxes inside we're fully moved in."

"This is mad."

"I know."

"This is incredible."

"It is."

"The world's on our side, Phil." he sighed, "Finally, for me." I sadly smiled, lifting his chin up and placing a delicate kiss against his mouth.

"The only place to reach for now is the stars."

"Or the shelves as we place things on them." he spoke back. We giggled together, untangling our bodies.

"Let's finish this up, then." I sighed contently. I stacked a few of his boxes and stumbled them into the lift and into the new apartment. Our new apartment.

"A year ago we didn't know each other." Dan suddenly sputtered out. My face paused.

"No," I confirmed, "No we didn't."

"Leave me and I'll murder you."

"Please do. If I leave you, I've lost all common sense and wouldn't survive long anyway." I chuckled, dumping the boxes onto the second-hand sofa.

"I don't believe that." he quietly spoke.

"It's true."

"It's impossible to believe; you survive without common sense now, so-"

"Dan!" I shouted, lightly hitting his shoulder in protest.

"I'm-" he began while cackling, "I'm joking!" he grinned towards me, "Obviously." he finished, rolling his eyes at me. I raised my eyebrows, pulling his body in to press my lips against his.

"Do you want help unpacking?"

"Nah..."

"Sure?"

"I'll live out the boxes-"

"Okay, I'm helping you unpack."

***

We huffed, flopping our bodies against our bed and giving-in to the physical exercise which is moving. I was happy. I intertwined my fingers into Dan's, rubbing his palm with my thumb.

"Phil?"

"Yeah?" I puffed out.

"How many subscribers have you got now?'

" _We_ and...I'm not sure."

"It's not 'we', Phil. It's your channel."

"We should change our channel name, since we can make more videos together now that we're officially roommates."

"Roommates with benefits." Dan smirked, I snorted, grinning towards his remark.

"No, but seriously, what should it be?"

"Phil, we've only made four out of the eighty-or-so videos on your channel together. It's your YouTube, I'm just the accomplice."

"Lions and Llamas..." I began to ramble off.

"Phil..." Dan whined.

"Phil and Dan chat." Dan remained silent, "Me and an idiot-"

"Phil!"

"Help me with ideas! How about phan?!"

"Fan?"

"Yeah like...P-H-A-N...Phil and Dan."

"Firstly, it's Dan and Phil-"

"Since when?"

"Since now. Sounds better."

"Sure-" I began teasing.

"Secondly, actually think of something good!"

"I'm trying! Husbands do idiot."

"That sounds like we're inviting people in for threesomes."

"Who knows, PJ and Chris might be up for it."

"Wait husbands?!" he chuckled out.

"Well-" I shrugged.

"Are you proposing really badly?"

"No!" I cackled, "Just saying might as well be the rate we're going."

"Mm."

"Mm." I mocked.

"Where's the ring then Phillip?"

"Your mum."

"Oh, that's how it is, is it?"

"Yep!" I grinned, pulling my body upright. I sighed, "Gay lads."

"Dan and Phil do stuff." he rolled his eyes. I paused.

"Yeah."

"Wait seriously?"

"Makes sense."

"Oh my God and I'm living with you now...what have I done?"

"Made the best decision of your life."  
  
  
  
  
  


_


	17. 17.

**Dan**

You're a magnificent human being, do you know that Phil? I love the way your black hair drifts over your face as you lie sideways in your sleep, your fringe puffing up gracefully against your pink-tinted nose when you take your sleepy breaths. I'd sacrifice a lot to stay like this; cuddled in your tired embrace and locked in your security. I don't know what I wouldn't willingly lose to keep you here forever.

I'm fearful, though, that you'll move on. I think it's a perfectly rational fear, within limits. I won't go to dramatic lengths to trap you in my love and force you to be unwillingly with me forever, because I love you enough to know that if you do move on, you're sensible enough to have a perfectly valid reason to. That's the issue, isn't it Phil, you're just too damn perfect, aren't you?

You'd disagree, I know you would; you'd say nobody can be perfect because everyone has the ability to learn to correct themselves further and become a more spectacular human being. But right now you're perfect, and if you learn more, you'd continue being my version of perfect.

I think I'd break if you left me. Of course, I'd never tell you that because I don't want you to stay with me in fear that if you left, you'd damage me. You would, but that's not the point. If you ever want move on, do, but you'll hurt me, however that's okay because I won't tell you. Would you break all the same? Is your greatest fear also the risk that I could get up and leave you at any moment? I wouldn't, if I tried then I'd be back begging.

You don't want to hear me ramble on, I know, but I will. I can't stop my thoughts sometimes, I used to think it a curse, but now that I'm here watching you delicately sleep beside me and I wander aimlessly about my love for you, I couldn't be in a better trap.

Can you hear my thoughts, Phil? Do they affect your dreams and are you suddenly filled with love, maybe fear? I'm never losing you.

I wonder where we'll be in a year; five years; ten years...I wonder what will happen with this YouTube thing you've set up. You've given me a lot, haven't you? The reason I lived, the reason I go on, the reason for my future. Walk beside me through it all, please.

I wonder when I'll first see you cry. I don't want to and I better not be the reason for it, but you're human, I think, so it's natural to express emotions on the odd occasion, unlike me. Ah, you'd disagree there though, wouldn't you? I let my guard down around you Phil, you wouldn't even know what I'm talking about. Do you know how much of a mess I once was, to the full extent? You came into my life when I was struggling more than I ever had done, but did I share enough for you to realise, or have you always seen me bubbly and in love?

I don't remember not loving you, not knowing you, not wanting to spend every second of my day with you. What an unbearable life that would be to go back to, no wonder I was so depressed. Everything seems dark if you've got no light to compare it to.

We need sadness and disappointment, Phil. We need miserable shit in our lives so that when we are happy, it actually means something to us. It just means that if we're gleeful for a long time period, when we do inevitably get let down by the society we inhabit, it hits harder. I'm scared for my fall Phil, I just hope you're there when it comes. What will be my next disappointment? Maybe this YouTube thing will fail and I'll have to pay attention in class. I hate law. Why did I choose law?

My life is so unpredictable, Phil. I just want to help people and make others happy. Sometimes I strive for that too much and my own world has a meltdown around my endurance to make everyone else happy first. Are you just the same, or does it come easy to you?

"Dan...?" Phil sleepily whined.

"What?" I chuckled.

"What time is it?"

"Uh...four am."

"Go to sleep."

"But...I have you to stare at."

"Go to sleep."

"Fine."

I grinned at him, watching his sleepy eyes flutter back into unconsciousness. Fuck. He's gorgeous. I nuzzled myself into his warmth, drifting myself into his absence.

***

"Morning, Bear." Phil's voice echoed in my sleep. I hummed, burrowing my head into the darkness of his chest.

"Bear?" I mumbled.

"You look adorable all curled up, like a bear cub." I was too tired to argue with his logic, flopping my limbs over his topless body and demanding attention. He ran his fingers softly along my back, sighing, "I'll make breakfast."

I happily hummed, making my way down to him in the kitchen almost twenty minutes later.

"I thought you'd at least get dressed, being up there for that long!"

"Pfft enjoy my ass. I'm not wearing more clothes than necessary."

"Well if that were the case you wouldn't be in one of my shirts and underwear."

"Are you telling me to stop wearing your clothes, or to get naked?"

"Wear my clothes all you like."

"Oh, I see then." I grinned, taking the cold toast from the side. I sat besides Phil on the sofa, drowning in his tee around my body.

"Never grow taller than me."

"Why?" I asked.

"Because you're adorable being swamped in my tops."

"I'll try."

He grinned, a playful smile creeping into the tips of his mouth as he pressed his lips against mine.

"I'll never grow tired of that." I hummed, curling into him further.

"You know, we've lived together for three weeks now and you've not woken up early enough to make us breakfast once."

"Just stay in bed with me then."

"We'd never leave." he chuckled at himself, "We should record a video-"

"Okay-" I paused, "What about?"

"Near-death experiences, we could do scenes where the other acts as the reason for the almost death?"

"Sounds good."

"What happens if the close call was being run over by a train, would the other play the conductor or something?"

"No. We'd play the damn train. Choo choo mother fucker." I deadpanned, chewing the last of my toast.

"'Cause you'd love getting run over by me."

"Any day, Daddy." I winked.

"Dan!" he squealed, punching my leg. I coughed, swallowing my food incorrectly.

"What's the subscriber count?"

"Uh..." he took out his phone, "Holy cheese it's coming up to eight-hundred thousand."

"Pfft!" I gasped.

"See, that's all from five videos with you."

"We should try and do a video a week."

"Sure."

"Oh my God, Mario kart."

"Bring it on, Cowboy."

"Cowboy? Really Phil?"

"What? You ride horses."

"This would work if there was a horse shapes kart in the game, but they're all normal."

"Sure, riding inside a bullet is normal?"

"I prefer the bullet inside me, but sure, I guess-"

"Holy hell Dan, just tell me if you want to fuck!"

"When don't I?" I winked.

"When I eat your food."

"They were my fucking cookies."

We sighed.

"Where will we be in five years, Phil?" I questioned.

"Honestly, I'm hanging on to this YouTube thing right now."

"I want to drop Law."

"If we get to a million before July, drop."

"You think?"

"Do you actually imagine yourself being a lawyer?" he asked.

"Well-" I thought for a brief moment, "Yeah, no. Not at all."

"Then just be sure we get a good following, so it confirms our dream is actually our reality and we can trust it, then drop. It'd comfort your parents as well if we can make more money out of it."

"Fine, I drop law you drop WHSmith."

"Deal." he spat hurriedly out, "I mean...do I have to?" he grinned, playing the act off extremely poorly.

"Hmm, maybe you can stay-"

"On second thoughts, I could just edit the video-"

"Videos, yeah sounds good."

We grinned, kissing the other's lips.

"So," he began, "Shrek marathon or video first?"

"Shrek until lunch."  
  
  
  
  
  
  


_


	18. 18.

**Phil**

My legs were curled against my body on the sofa when my phone vibrated against my leg. I scrunched my eyes, untangling the device from my pocket. Of course I expected it to be my mum, in fact I should probably call her, but a pleased smile spread across my face when it was PJ.

"Yo mate!" the line shouted down at me.

"Hey PJ," I chuckled, "You're either drunk or excited, what's up?"

"A few things honestly. First is that I get to hear your voice after two months and seventeen days, second is that Chris and I started a YouTube channel and it's starting to get noticed and the final thing is... where's Dan right now?"

"Uh, in the bathroom getting washed... why-?"

"YOU MOVED IN?!"

I chuckled, "Uh, yeah."

"Dude Chris and I are coming round with booze, what's your address?"

I told him my address as Dan crept behind me and wrapped his arms around my neck, "Who's that?"

"PJ." I smiled at him, "He and Chris are coming round." Dan's face didn't look completely pleased, "What's up?" I asked.

"Do I have to get dressed? I was planning to stay in my pyjamas all day."

"If you don't, I won't."

"Perfect!" he smiled.

"Oh, they're bringing alcohol."

"LET THE GAMES BEGIN!" Dan shouted as he paced into the kitchen with his arms flailing wildly beside his head.

"Hey, back, found the apartment." PJ replied.

"Oh, awesome. Come in your pyjamas."

"...Why?"

"Dan doesn't want to get dressed so why will any of us?"

"Good reasoning, I have many new onesies to show off."

"Jeez dude, you already had six."

"Not enough, you wouldn't understand."

I chuckled, "Sure I wouldn't. See you later then?"

"Yeah!"

"Awesome, bye!"

"Bye Phil!"

I hung up and turned around to see Dan stumbling in with snacks. I stood up, taking multiple of the excess number of food bags from him and placed them on the table. I sighed while giggling at him.

"Shut up, with alcohol in our systems we'll need it." he pouted. I leant in, placing my hands on his hips and pressing my lips to his. He grinned, then his eyebrows furrowed, "Why do you think PJ wants to come round?"

"To gawk at our relationship probably."

"Naw, he's only jealous."

"He should be." I smiled, closing my eyes and briefly kissing Dan again, "Okay, I'm going to shower and get into clean pyjamas..." Dan's face scrunched up, "But, you don't have to, don't worry." his face grinned up at me as we unravelled our arms from around each other. I moved into the bathroom, washing myself down and getting dressed.

***

"I'll get it!" Dan called up at me, in response to our bell going off. Either one of PJ or Chris was stood at the bell slamming away at it. I followed after Dan, reaching him as he unscrewed the doorknob, "Hey guys!" he grinned.

"DAN!" Chris shouted, pouncing on his delicate frame and receiving an unexpected grunt from him.

"How was I not prepared for that?" Dan groaned, wiggling away from Chris' grasp. I smiled at the three of them, stepping aside so we could go into the front room.

"Hey Phil!" PJ greeted me, passing a bag full of booze. I stared at it, contemplating the weight of the contents and how drunk we were expected to get, "Don't question it, Chris couldn't decide so he got the lot."

I chuckled and led us into the living room. PJ glanced at me, "Dan couldn't decide on the snacks either." PJ broke into laughter and threw himself on the sofa, taking his shoes off and making himself at home. Chris broke out a bottle, pouring us each a glass.

"Dan, no more than five this time." I warned. He pouted.

"You poured me them!" he whined, "Anyway you weren't complaining later that evening-"

"Dan!" I gasped. PJ snorted and Chris' mouth gaped open.

"Okay, okay, okay," Chris began, "What the fuck has been going on with you two?"

"Friends with benefits?" Dan questioned, snickering as though he was already intoxicated.

I rolled my eyes, "Yes you teenage girls, we're together, happy now?"

"Who tops?" PJ asked.

"You first." I asked back. PJ scrunched his eyes.

"We... didn't say we were fucking..." PJ hummed.

"Trust me, it's what you don't say which matters more!"

"I haven't said I've murdered anyone, does that mean I have?" PJ complained.

"I mean... have you?" Dan chimed in, tipping his glass towards us.

"Shhh..." PJ chuckled jokingly.

"How long?" Dan asked.

"Six inches." Chris replied for PJ.

"I MEANT HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN TOGETHER!"

"Oh. Two months."

***

"No, no, no-" Chris slurred, "Luigi would be the better fuck, not Peach."

"Oh fuck off you, only because..." Dan started, "Only _because_ , you have an _Italian_ kink." Dan cracked into hysterics for himself. I slowly elbowed him, grinning at his stupidity, "Oiiii." he whined at me.

"What?" I sleepily wondered.

"Kiss me." he demanded. I hummed, sloppily pressing my lips against his in a smile.

"I disagree Chris." I boldly stated.

"What?!" he fake gasped, gaily pressing his hands against his chest in a theatrical manner.

"Dan's better fuck."

" _To_ fuck, but Luigi would be better to _have_ fuck."

"Told you," Dan whispered into my ear, "Italian kink." we both erupted into laughter, finding the joke absolutely hysterical.

I turned to Dan, "And told you Chris bottomed."

He gasped, "Oh my God you did."

"You agreed though."

"Did I?"

***

"No! Arm red not on fuckin' blue!" PJ screamed.

"Same bloody colour!" Dan groaned, collapsing onto the Twister mat. I fell onto him, laying across his body without an attempt to move.

"Foursome." Dan loudly whispered to me. Chris began chuckling but soon evolved it into convulsing laughter, falling off of the mat and onto his back.

"GO FISH!" Chris screamed.

***

I rolled over, pulling some sort of plastic sheet over my body to cover my throbbing headache. I heard PJ groan, the sound of a bottle falling over echoing into my mind.

PJ stammered before asking, "Why the fuck is Dan sleeping in the fireplace with Spongebob boxers on?"

-


	19. 19.

**2012**

**Dan**

Sweat trickled down my forehead as I walked into the centre with my hand intertwined with Phil's. I looked around. There were changes to the build, as far as I could remember, but for me, the biggest difference was that the boy I met here now stood beside me as the man I love. He looked towards me, his focus brushing against my eyes, and whispered to me, "You can't faint this time." we grinned together as our hands fell apart. One day, we'd tell them, but for now, he's mine and our fans don't need to know that.

"Well, I can-"

"But you won't," he replied.

I paused, gently smiling against my cheeks, "Not this time, I have you now."

"And thousands of fans as well."

"Yeah, that's not helping my light-headedness right now." I rolled at him. He chuckled, prodding my side as I slapped his hand away.

"Okay, we've been told to go round the side, show our ID and make our way backstage."

"That feels important."

"You are important."

"Don't forget yourself, Phil. I'm only here because of you." the dual meaning hit us both, my fingers fiddled in front of my body.

"Don't."

"Don't what?"

"Don't make yourself feel like you don't deserve this," he turned to me, "Don't let yourself believe that you would never have achieved this on your own. You are amazing, Dan, and I am _confident_ that if I was never here, you still would be. So have confidence in yourself, too."

"Would be where?"

"Here, alive and with eleven thousand of our subscribers wanting nothing more than to see your face."

"I'm counting that one thousand of the audience are displeased and confused parents."

"Probably, but don't focus on that five percent."

"It's more like ten perce-" I squealed as he pressed his lips against mine. I hastily pulled myself away, eyes wide, "What if-"

"If anybody sees us, we'll say we have stunt doubles." he started walking off, so I jogged to catch up.

"We're..." I began in between pants of exhaustion and confusion, "We're not even doing any stunts."

He simply grinned at me and pulled me into the back corridor. A tough-looking guy stood there with a clipboard and a pen, his eyes darted up to us.

"Hi, uh...we're Dan and Phil-" I awkwardly began to the intimidating man. He smiled, looking downwards.

"ID?" he asked, nodding towards us.

"Oh, right. Uh, Phil-" we took out our IDs and showed them to the security guard. He nodded, unclipping two lanyard badges and passing them to us.

"The lanyard ties are around the corner, take a pick." he grinned, stepping aside to let us through. The room was there, but I saw food.

"Phil, grab me a necktie, I'm getting snacks."

***

"Dan, Phil!" PJ grinned at us, followed by Louise.

"Hey!" we replied, "Uh, where's Chris?" I asked.

"Got the flu, I'm hooking up with Louise instead."

"PJ!" Louise gasped. He shrugged.

"Wait, what are you doing behind here?" Phil asked PJ, "You're not even on stage."

"Nope, but flirtatious jokes and a killer smile gets you through any gay security guard." he bragged, throwing in a wink.

"They let him in because I told the front desk he was with me."

"Don't ruin my game, Louise!"

"You have no game."

"Harsh." he sulked.

***

I don't think there's any way to describe the feeling of blood-pumping adrenaline through your body as you stand off-stage, with thousands of people screaming your name. It's an odd feeling that I'll never get used to. The unfamiliar sensation is addictive, though, and I'd get it any day.

"And here we are, Dan and Phil everybody!" the presenter introduced us into the mic. I stared wide-eyed at Phil as my body reluctantly wiggled forwards. The last experience I had of being on stage was when I played Mercutio when I was sixteen, and that sure was different. He grabbed my hand, nodding towards me. I slipped myself away from his grasp, marching onto the stage with a fake poised stance and my palm frantically shaking out to the audience.

"Hey everyone!" Phil bellowed.

"Hi real-life people from the internet," I awkwardly stammered, "And parents." the chuckle received from the crowd at my half-hearted joke was enough to make my shoulders slouch and breaths easy. Phil and I took our allocated seats on the stage, my mouth slurping up the water passed to us.

"How's everyone's time here been so far?" Phil smiled outwards, gaining a cheer from the teenagers.

"No, no, that's what we're here to ask you." the presenter assured. I grinned, focusing my attention on her, "So, where should we begin?" I caught her nametag against her lanyard.

"Well Kate, uh, I guess whatever part of the internet, in reality, is the least disturbing." I chuckled to myself.

"So... are we not having an interview?" Phil confusedly looked around in his act.

"Ah-ha, no, please stay here, you're one of the biggest shows on tonight." she pretended to panic, "So, fan theories or questions about your channel?"

"We'll avoid the theories for as long as possible." I mocked an unsettled awkwardness.

"How long have you two been doing YouTube now?"

"Oh, uh, must be around four years now?" Phil questioned himself.

"And are you enjoying it?"

"Who doesn't enjoy self-humiliation and freely expressing your awkward personality for the world to see?" I presented to the audience, "No, but seriously we love it and wouldn't change a thing."

Apart from maybe coming out.

"Do you know where you're planning to go with your channel? It's grown massively in the last year, so are you keeping up?"

"Keeping up, not at all. But we're just having fun, so if that's what people enjoy, we'll always be willing to give them that." Phil proudly spoke out.

"And in terms of where it's going to go, apart from a few video ideas, it could collapse tomorrow as far as we're prepared."

"I highly doubt that, guys. What's your favourite video?"

"Mines definitely burying Dan in the sand in our _We did an outside_."

"I disagree with that. I do not like sand. Especially after that. It was... everywhere. For me, any video which feels like we achieved something for ourselves and for our subscribers definitely is worth making. Cough, photobooth."

"You just made a whole speech about quality and then chucked in photobooth?!" Phil complained, "Despite the two-thousand-and-nine quality camera," the audience started cheering at the date.

"Oh, come on guys, you connected that before we did are you seriously that stalkerish?" the audience screamed again. I theatrically flopped back into my chair.

"Yeah, despite the camera, it was a hilarious video to make."

The questions continued to roll in, and unfortunately, we couldn't miss the theories.

"Lucybot82 asked if you guys have actually been friends since you were children?"

"Oh, no, we didn't know each other existed until we met at a gaming convention held in this very centre, funnily enough!" I chuckled.

"Although, we never actually went in-" Phil added.

"That's a story for another time." I threw in quickly. Add mental health to the list of things I'll discuss openly in ten years.

"Phantrashhh asks if you two... oh maybe this is a bit far, apologies."

"No problem. Nothing we wouldn't have read online." Phil giggled.

"Ah, Shreksbutt asked if you two are brothers? According to them, you look very similar." Kate began laughing.

"Oh god-" I pulled a face, then realised they didn't actually have confirmation we'd been fucking.

"Well, hopefully not," Phil replied, then realised what he'd done, alike to me, "Although, I guess it wouldn't be much of a problem..."

The interview was wrapped up after a few more questions and we quickly jogged off, myself collapsing onto the floor after, "That was a lot."

"It was fun though."

"It was."

"Cake?"

-


	20. 20.

**Phil**

My eyes glanced towards him, his legs curled into his chest as his stomach gently rose, then fell. The soft, spring light was falling against his delicate frame, providing a yellow glow against his pale skin. His eyes peered up at me, a squint in them as he quizzically gazed back, "What?" he snapped through his croaky voice. I didn't reply, "Are you going to sit there admiring my pathetic body right now, or pass me the fucking blanket." I rolled my eyes at him, chucking as I piled the fabric against his shivering self, "Thank you." he grumbled.

"You're like a child when you're ill."

"Enjoy it, pedo."

"Oh please, you'd bite me if I touched you."

"No I wouldn't." he mumbled, pouting upwards, "I just didn't think you wanted to touch me because I'm dying."

"I'd be your blanket if I could."

"Then get over here." he huffed, lifting the material for me to tuck under.

"I love you, Dan."

"Good, because my germs are about to infect you."

"You better be nice if I get ill."

"Oi, I'm always nice!" he whined. I pressed my lips against his forehead, smoothing his hair back with my palm.

I sighed, "What do you want for the future?"

"This." he paused, "Well this without feeling like a frozen toad."

"Please, your husky voice is adorable."

"Only you'd say that."

"That's why you're stuck with me, no one else wants you." I snickered, receiving a fist against my shoulder, "I deserved that. Everyone loves you, that's why I've got to be so protective."

"I just want you, to continue YouTube and to have kids when we're ready."

I smiled.

"Sounds good." I confirmed, wrapping my arms around his torso and pulling him tighter, "What about marriage?" he tensed, turning his head towards me. I felt his heartbeat in his chest pump against my hands.

"W-what do you mean?"

"I mean, at _some point_ , would you want to get married?"

"Oh." the disappointment in his eyes was visible, causing my hands to become warm and my face to heat up, that was not the reaction I was expecting from him, "I mean," he mumbled, "Yeah, _eventually_ I'd like to."

"How long have we been together?"

"Four years, two months and two weeks." he paused, "Totally not counting, by the way." there was still spite in his words. I shuffled onto my side, facing his pouting lips.

"Dan?"

"Yeah?"

"What have I said?" he groaned, shuffling around to try and look away from me, "Oi, no, confront me."

"Ugh, look, just... it's been four years now Phil, _four years_!"

"Dan?"

"Yeah?"

"If you could call me anything what would you call me?"

"What?"

"Answer me."

"What?" he chuckled, a smile appearing widely against his lips. The sun that was against his face now lit up his expression, "I dunno, husband?"

"So... you'd like to get married?"

"Phil, are you asking me to marry you?"

"Uh, uh yeah, I... I think I am."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

"Okay then."

"Okay then, what?"

"Ask me." It was my turn for my chest to beat against my lungs.

"Dan, will you marry me."

"No."

There was a pause.

"Of course I'm marrying you, I would have the day I met you."

"I hate you."

"Sure you do, you definitely didn't just ask to marry me or anything."

"Too late to take it back?"

"Yep."

"Do you want a ring?"

"Fuck yes."

"Ughhhh."

"Oi!"

I chuckled, "Are we going to tell our fans at some point?"

"Some point."

"Soon?"

"Some point."

"I'll get you a ring when you're prepared to flash it off to the world."

"... Some point soon." he grumbled. I chuckled, leaning over his face and pressing my lips against him. He hummed, turning over and wrapping his limbs around my body.

"Dan-" I squealed as our six-foot bodies tumbled onto the carpet. He groaned, rubbing his head where he collided with the table, "Grown men aren't supposed to share a single sofa."

"Ugh, they should be built to fit."

"I know, Dan."

"Ugh, I love you."

"I know, Dan."

He paused before rummaging in his pocket for his phone, the screen light illuminating his smile.

"Secret lover?" I asked.

"Yeah, Chris."

"Might have to stab him." I giggled.

"Let me tell him I'm marrying you first." Dan grinned, his gaze flicking up to mine.

"Deal." I confirmed. Dan chuckled, smiling towards me, then nuzzling his forehead into my shoulder.

"I'm not going anywhere."

"From me, or away from the floor."

"From you, can we get back on the sofa my shoulders hurt?"

I chuckled, "Yeah, sure."

***

"Oo, what are you cooking?" Dan asked, the phone still attached to his ear.

"Pasta, too lazy to do anything else tonight."

"I don't blame you, neither does Chris."

"Oh can you ask him when I'm getting my boyfriend back?" I snarked. Dan rolled his eyes at me, throwing me a playful grin before turning his attention away again. I love seeing the happiness Dan gets from Chris, I know he was there for Dan during some of his darkest times, and that's something I'm not going to take away from either of them. Even if I do sometimes get jealous. I try not to though, it's not fair on any of us.

I winced, my head pounding against my ears.

"Phil?" I heard the underwater concerns of Dan's voice, "Phil, what's-" I felt Dan beside me, his hand against my forehead, "You've not got a temperature, what's going on?"

"I'm- I'm okay." I flimsily reassured him.

"Sit down, I'll serve the food."

"Dan, no you're ill, I'm okay."

"Phil." he sternly spoke.

"Okay, but I'm alright."

"I'll get you some ibuprofen, just lay down for a few minutes."

It was five minutes later and my head finally started clearing up. Dan placed the plates on the coffee table and handed me a glass of water to swill down the medication. His body sunk into the surface beside me, his arms twisting around me in an attempt of comfort, "Are you feeling better?"

"Yeah, headache is clearing slightly, I'll just take it easy."

"I'll get you anything if you need it, okay?"

"Mm." I agreed against my stubborn instincts.

"Why are you getting these headaches?"

"I'll get them checked out at the doctor's if you like?"

"Yeah, do. There's no harm in making sure you're safe."

"A bit pointless."

"Hopefully it would be. I'd prefer that then there to be an issue, but worse an underlying issue we ignore."

"Okay."

"I'm sure you're alright though."

"Me, too," I sighed, "Come to the doctor's with me, though?"

He chuckled, "Sure, dork."  
  


-


	21. 21.

**Dan**

_TWITTER:_   
_IntergalacticKittens - DanPhildoStuff Are you two brothers? I thought you were together but you look really alike._

I sighed towards Phil, "Our fans really need to stop asking if we're brothers, it's really weird, we're getting married in six months."


	22. 22.

**Phil**

Dan sighed, turning towards me with a drawn-out look pressed against his face, "Phil?"

"Yeah?" I asked, concerned by his exhausted tone.

"I... I... Nevermind, I'm sorry."

"Dan," I spoke, turning to face him on our bed, one of my socks still on and the other in my hand, "Talk to me."

"No, I'm being stupid."

"Often you are, doubt that's correct this time."

"Oh, shut up." he chuckled, turning his face to the side, avoiding my glance, "I wa- Honestly, don't worry."

"Dan," I sternly addressed him, taking my other sock off and throwing them both at him, "Say it, it's bothering you."

"Fine. I want to tell our subscribers we're together because I feel as if I'm in a position in which I want to, but I'm worried that they won't care, or maybe they'll judge us. How would we even come out?"

"Oh." I stuttered, not expecting the words he spoke to tumble out of his mouth at the time they did.

"See, it's stupid."

"It's not, I just didn't... You took me by surprise." I smiled, shuffling towards him and wrapping my arm around his torso.

"Phil-" he began, before coughing up a sob.

"Hey, hey, Dan." I reassured him, stroking the wisps of his hair.

"I feel like we've been lying to them for so long."

"Not at all, only think about this if you want to. We know we're safe to say something when we're ready, but there's no rush."

"I want to, I do. I'm just irrationally afraid!"

"And that's okay. How would you want to come out?"

"I have no clue. No fucking clue."

"Maybe start there."

"It's like a circle though, Phil, there's no start!"

"Fine, then treat it like a cake and slice into it."

"Don't be smart."

"Can't help it." I poked my tongue out my mouth, "Look, first thing's first, would you want to do it together or alone?"

"This isn't masturbation."

"You're avoiding thinking."

"Lies, I'm thinking about sex."

"To stop thinking about what you're worrying about! Stop using sex as a coping mechanism!"

He sighed, rolling into me. I pulled his body in by my arm, stroking his hip as he spoke, "Together."

"Okay, well that's a place to start. If we have a couple of weeks to think about ideas, then we can talk and properly work it out, okay?"

"Yeah."

"Okay."

"Thank you."

"I just don't want you to worry about anything." I sighed.

He smiled, looking up at me, "I need to worry sometimes, we all need to worry at times in our lives, it's just surrounding us with people who can help us when we do worry."

"Yeah."

"I see you lying next to me, with words I thought I'd never speak; awake and unafraid, asleep or dead."

"Did you just quote MCR?"

"It's been stuck in my head all day."

"You're just being a soppy rat."

"Maybe."

"I love you, Dan."

"I love you too, Rat."

***

Two weeks had gone by and the conversation with Dan had been picking into my mind constantly. Of course I'd thought about coming out to our fans, but it's different when you're just considering it, compared to being confronted with the reality of the situation. I woke up one morning, sweat gathered against my forehead as I woke up from another dream about coming out, just this time, it didn't go so well. I clenched my eyes, feeling my head pound as I poured back a swig of water with some migraine tablets. They don't do a thing, but at least if I take them the doctor will be able to do something new next time I go back. I should probably do that soon.

I slithered out of bed, pulling some pyjamas over my body and heaving my way down to the kitchen. I pressed my palms against my forehead as I switched the kettle on. I scanned the living room with my eyes, "Dan?" I called out, hearing no response. I hummed to myself, walking into the room to see a note from him scribbled out, _'Gone shop - got bored and want popcorn for later. Text me if you need anything xx'_.

I pouted at the note, wanting to wake up to Dan passing me coffee and surrounding me in his embrace. Either that or him screaming at Mario Kart, I've learnt to appreciate both options.

I mean, when Dan and I do come out, would we keep it short, give a detailed story, or what? What would we decide to show on camera, what would our subscribers want to see while still keeping it... legal? We should avoid a click-baity title. Maybe just straight up, 'We're gay' while smiling and a flag on the thumbnail? I shouldn't be overthinking this, half of them know I'm gay for him anyway! It shouldn't be this big of a deal, why am I making it so? Whatever happens, we'll be okay, I need to remember that because our fans support us. I mean, there's enough gay fanfiction to support that.

"Hey Phil!" Dan chirped on entry. I grinned, slurping my mug of hot beverage on the sofa.

"What did you get?" I smiled, ushering towards the bag.

"Uh popcorn, cereal because you ate mine, hot chocolate, milk, bread and condoms." he shrugged. I glared at him, my eyebrows slightly furrowed in confusion, "The cashier was hitting on me, I wanted to clearly put it out there that I wasn't interested!'

"So now we have a packet of useless condoms because we're both safe?"

"I mean, I can also be safe now if I want to shove my dick in a jam jar?"

I chuckled at him, rolling my eyes and sipping from my mug again. I groaned, "My headache isn't clearing up."

"Got another one?"

"Yeah."

"Get to the doctor's again soon."

"Yeah, I should."

"And drink water."

"I am!"

"If you need to go and lay down, don't stay down here, if you need to rest, go rest." he smiled warmly, checking my temperature with his hand against my forehead.

"Thanks."

"Let's dump a film on, I mean I've got the popcorn for it, now. Fancy some?"

"It wouldn't be the first time I have popcorn for breakfast."

***

The film began coming to a close. I pressed my lips lightly against Dan's, shuffling myself off of the sofa, "I'm going to go upstairs for a bit, I'll be down later."

"Okay, shout or ring me if you need anything."

"Okay, love you."

"Love you." he spoke as I left the room, making my way back into the bedroom to have a quick nap.

***

I woke up about an hour later, sitting upright and feeling majoritively better, but still taking some pain medicine to take the edge off the discomfort. I took out my phone, scrolling through my Twitter feed before leaving the comfort of my bedsheets. It was three in the afternoon and I'd slept for most of it. I slouched into the living room, holding onto the doorframe when my vision blurred slightly. It happened regularly, I just wait for them to pass.

Once it had faded as so, I continued into the front room, "Baby, I love you but could you get me some water?" I spoke to Dan, who I assumed was in the room. I looked around, seeing him staring at me with wide-eyes. I scrunched my face at him, wondering why he was so shocked.

He began stuttering, "Uh, well, I'm doing a live show-"

I'd fucked up.

"Oh."

"Phil, you don't look great." he stood up, walking over to me and pressing my forehead again, "You've got a bit of a temperature."

"Dan, I'm sorry." I whispered.

"Phil, please don't worry, I'm not upset," he whispered back, "But how are we going to deal with this?"

"I'll sit down with the viewers, could you get me a glass of water? We'll play dumb, then when questions start appearing I guess, we'll just... tell them?"

"Okay."

"You alright?"

"Surprisingly, I'm excited." he chuckled.

I grinned at him, staring before I thought, _'Fuck_ _it_ ' and kissed his forehead, "I mean, nothing to hide now." he elbowed me, walking past me into the kitchen. I walked over to Dan's laptop, sitting down on the sofa and greeting the fans, "Hey everyone! Dan's just getting me some water, he'll be back in a second, you're stuck with me now."

Of course, the questions piled in. The odd few people didn't discuss what just happened, which was neither relieving nor worrying, but before I could really say anything else Dan passed me a glass of tap water, "Thanks." I smiled.

"Uh." Dan blanked.

I chuckled in disbelief, "We're not getting away with that one, yeah we're together."

"I mean, they already knew that, but they're acting shocked for the drama." Dan and I giggled, "Phil's both high on drugs and dealing with migraines, I mean, we kept us hidden for almost five years, gotta be some kind of record?"

I was too anxious to actually, well, read the comments. I just stared at Dan, and he grinned back at me. What else was there to say? It really was just that simple.

But then Dan started moving his lips again.

"Dan, I can't hear you." ****

-


	23. 23.

**Dan**

"You can't hear me?" I asked, confused at his statement. His eyebrows furrowed, trying to work out my words from my lip movements. My arms threw the blankets and pillows to the sides, laying Phil down and propping his legs up in case he wasn't getting enough blood to his brain. I held the glass of water against his lips, helping him take some back. I turned around, pausing the live show while I helped Phil.

"Phil?" I asked.

He nodded carefully, "Yeah, it's coming back."

"Phil, I'm getting you to the doctor's tomorrow, this is getting too worrying."

"Okay."

"Can you hear me properly yet?"

"Slightly underwater-y but apart from that."

"Okay, do you want to just lay there for a minute or two?"

"Yeah." he confirmed.

I smiled, my heart racing, hands shaking and eyes staring at the boy I loved.

"I'm okay." he reassured me.

I nodded, eyes filling with water slightly, so I brushed them and returned to the halted audience, "Hey, don't worry everyone, Phil's okay. I'm taking him to the doctor's tomorrow, he keeps getting these weird headaches."

At least Phil temporarily becoming deaf drifted the attention away from our sexuality for a brief moment. Of course, we were eventually confronted about that later in the Livestream, but it gave us a few moments to process the last hour.

***

I nudged Phil with my head, his eyes fluttering open, "Should we go upstairs?" I whispered sleepily. He hummed, nodding as he slowly sat upwards on the sofa. I stood up, offering him a hand as I pulled his weight against mine.

He groaned, "I'm going to pee, then I'll be through." I nodded, walking up the stairs and sliding my body under the warm comfort of the duvet. I took out my phone, briefly scrolling through Tumblr to fill the time. But then a series of loud bangs from outside the bedroom door filled the apartment. My heart rate sped against my chest as I threw the covers away from my waist, stumbling into the hall.

My throat was hoarse as I shouted outwards, "Phil?!" the absence of reply swarmed my head, the panic making me dizzy and my hands become clammy, "Phil?!" I screamed again in a hopeless attempt. I threw my feet tumbling down the stairs after each other, reaching the bottom for my body to skew over and ache from the head down. I stared at the sight, my heart in my throat as I fumbled for my phone. I held the digits against my ear, every ring-out lasting for an hour as tears brushed down my cheeks.

"Hello, emergency services." the voice spoke out. My mind was jolted back into the moment, my body falling next to Phil's, my hand stroking the clean side of his bloody skull.

"Uh, I-I need... I need a fucking ambulance." I stuttered quickly, the words cascading through my lips.

"Please can you give me an address?" the voice calmly spoke through the line. I stumbled over my words, spitting our address over towards her. She continued, "Can you tell me what's happened?"

"M-my fiancé he, he's been getting migraines and he's slipped and fallen down the stairs... there's, there's blood everywhere. He's s-smashed his head against the doorframe and there's a gash in his side...I-I-" my throat tensed as my eyes watered up.

"Okay, can you check if he's breathing?" the lady spoke to me. I held my palm against his mouth.

I waited for a breath. I swallowed, pausing, "He's... he's breathing."

"Okay, do you know how to check for a steady pulse?"

"Yeah." I replied, pressing my fingers against his neck, "It's steady, but very quick." I replied to the operator.

"Okay, an ambulance is on its way. Can you see obvious wounds?"

"Yes." I hastily replied.

"Do you have any dry material?" the phone asked. I scrunched my eyebrows, the only item not drenched in Phil's blood being the clothes I was wearing.

"W-would my t-shirt do?"

"Yes, that would work," I tore the material off of my body, waiting for her next line of help, "Could you press the material against the wounds? If you can't reach them all, rip the material or if one is bleeding significantly worse, apply pressure to that one."

I put the call onto speakerphone, placing my phone on the carpet as I split the material into two, holding one against the right side of his head, one against his waist, "Okay," I answered, "How long until the ambulance arrives?" I asked.

"About fifteen minutes."

"Fuck."

"It's okay, don't worry." she sternly spoke. I swallowed away at the lump in my throat, resisting screaming at her that it was not okay. Nothing was okay in this moment, my fucking soulmate was against the floor drowning in his own blood. She began speaking again, "Could you check his pulse again?"

I did so, finding a slower, but steady rhythm, "His heart rate has slowed, but is still steady, I think."

"Okay, thank you. The ambulance is ten minutes away." the ten-minute wait was drawn out over five hours, every breath I heard from Phil feeling like a countdown.

I began stuttering, "H-how long now?"

"Five minutes, could you check his pulse once more?" I did so, it hadn't changed.

I heard a banging at the door, "I hear the services." I informed the operator.

"Paramedics!" they shouted through the door.

"Break it down!" I hoarsely replied, screaming through the tears running against my face. There was a crash, followed by the appearance of two people. I backed away, not wanting to intervene, but again, not wanting to move far from Phil.

"I'm Kate and this is Marcus." one of the paramedics spoke.

"I'm Dan, he's Phil." I choked.

"Okay, can you tell us what's happened?" they asked while harassing Phil's body with bandages and wires.

"Uh, he's been getting these migraines. He lost his hearing this morning with one. I was in bed, heard a crash and came out to see this."

"Okay, so you think one of these headaches caused him to go dizzy and fall?"

"Y-yeah."

"Okay, we're going to move him into the ambulance as quickly as possible, would you like to come with us?" Marcus asked. I nodded, following them as they heaved Phil across the apartment block in a stretcher.

I was a moving doll through the hospital, swaying this way and that in order to stay beside Phil. My glance didn't stray from his face, not wanting to lose sight of him. I didn't want to lose him. He can't leave.

My hand held his in the assigned hospital room, my thumb caressing the side of his palm as one of the employees attended his wounds. I looked up, hearing the sway of the fire door. The other nurse appeared, holding a pen in her right hand, "Okay, after he's finished being stitched up, we're going to need to make a blood transfusion."

"Okay." I replied.

The nurse sighed, "Do you know if your blood type matches his?" I shook my head, but gave the information of my blood type to a pleased look on the nurse's face, "Okay, that's great, do you mind-?"

"No, just, take, I need him." I whispered. The nurse nodded, shuffling around in a cabinet, appearing with a needle and bag. A sample was taken away, the results for my bloods being waited upon. She reappeared, "Okay, all good. I'll attach all of this to him."

I sighed, a form of relief filling me, "He's going to be okay?" I warily asked.

"He'll fully recover from the injuries. He cracked his skull and broke a couple of ribs, but nothing that won't repair with rest."

I chuckled, "That'll please him."

"Our concerns lay on the migraines you expressed?"

"Yeah..." my pulse started ringing in my ears.

"How long have they been occurring?"

"About...six months? Maybe five? At the most, anyway."

"And the signs have worsened with time?"

"Yeah..."

"We're going to run a few tests. We'll put him through a CT scan and MRI once he's conscious. We'd normally do this while unconscious, but we're afraid that he'll wake up during the tests as he was knocked out, not sedated. You also expressed concern with his hearing?"

"Yeah..." I nodded.

"We'll do a quick hearing test as well."

"Can you tell me what you're concerned about?"

"It's better not to worry. He hasn't been under stress recently, has he?"

"Nothing I'm aware of."

"Tension migraines are seeming unlikely, and it's highly unexpected that at twenty-five it's hormone-related, so our concerns are that he has a brain haemorrhage or a tumour. This shouldn't be stressed, quite often a simple operation can solve both of these issues. If it is a tumour, we will test it for cancer, which would be the greatest worry in this moment."

"Okay." I nodded, taking in a breath.

"Again, don't stress yourself, and please refrain telling the patient any of this news until the tests have been completed. He won't be fully conscious until we have done so."

I nodded, the nurse returning the gesticulation and leaving the room. I chuckled, smiling, whether out of nerves of relief, I'm unsure. Perhaps both.

***

Both the nurse in the room and I noticed Phil slowly waking up. She appeared at his side. He turned to me, smiling.

"You alright?" I asked.

He nodded, "Well, am I?" we chuckled.

"Yeah, they have a few tests to run about the headaches, and don't move too much, you've just had stitches."

"I can feel them, they're stinging." he complained. I smiled sympathetically, "What time is it?" he asked.

"Uh, two in the morning."

"What tests?"

"An MRI and CT." I replied.

"We'll get you through in a moment." the nurse responded.

"I'll be with you." I told Phil.

"No," he shook his head, "You stay here and have a nap."

I reluctantly nodded, knowing it was only simple scans, and I'd be waiting around anyway. I might as well just take the rest, "Okay. That's alright, isn't it?" I asked the nurse.

She smiled, nodding, "Yeah, I'll get him moving now."

***

I was woken up, my head resting against the hospital bed while my body remained on my chair, "Hey there." I sleepily greeted Phil, who was being carted through in a wheelchair, "Moved from the bed?"

"Yeah, was easier for me to just climb into the scans than for them to lift me."

I smiled, nodding as I looked at the time. It was verging on seven am, "Jeez, those tests took long."

"Yeah, I'm glad you slept now."

"Same, the tests were okay?"

"Yeah, just boring and noisy." he sat on the bed, shuffling back under the covers. I stood up, joining him in the warmth of the single duvet. I turned to him, pressing my lips against his.

"We're installing a lift on the stairs." I joked.

"Please, that's my only means of exercise." we chuckled.

"Do you know when we'll have the results back?"

"They said at some point today, the doctor who looks them over isn't in yet, but once they are they'll look over it for any signs of concern."

"So... we can sleep?"

"Mm." he hummed, holding me in his arms.

***

There was a knock on the door.

"Come in." Phil sleepily replied as we sat up.

"Hey," a nurse entered, "So, I've got the results and there are no major concerns."

"Okay, but... there's still a worry." I replied. She smiled sympathetically, nodding.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. Phil has a vestibular schwannoma, which is also known as an acoustic neuroma. It's a benign brain tumour, which increasingly grows over time. It's easy to remove, you may need stereotactic radiosurgery after the brain surgery to remove any last traces of the tumour, to stop its reappearance. It's a tumour which grows on the brain and affects hearing, while also causes migraine symptoms, such as dizziness, fatigue, sensitivity to light, and so on. We'll keep you as an inpatient until tomorrow, where you'll go under general anaesthesia to have it removed. As a professional, I have to warn you about the dangers of going under anaesthesia, but at you're age, there's pretty much no concerns."

"Okay." I replied, still trying to understand what was going on.

"So, I have a tumour in my brain, which has been growing, causing the headaches? It's not cancerous?" Phil asked, also processing the information.

"Correct. Do you have any questions?"

There was silence until Phil responded, "I... don't think so."

"Okay, there's nurses around if you have any concerns. This will be your room until tomorrow. After the surgery we'll keep you under surveillanced recovery for another day, you should be out by Wednesday."

"Okay, thank you." I responded.

"You're of family relation, so you can stay here. You're brothers, correct?"

I chuckled, rolling my eyes slightly and smiling, "No, he's my fiancé."

"Oh," she replied, scrunching her eyes as if she was trying to work out how that could occur. I pierced my lips, feeling the judgement from her.

"Um," I pushed her.

"Oh, sorry." she smiled, leaving the room.

Phil groaned.

I sighed, "For fuck's sake, you'd have thought homophobes would know at least not stare like we're a zoo attraction."

"Don't worry. Either she is a homophobe and we won't let it bother us, or there's a misunderstanding."

"Yeah, I guess." I replied, nudging my head into Phil. ****

-


	24. 24.

**Phil**

"Are you ready?" the clean-shaven man with a white coat asked me. I nodded, taking a breath in and sitting on the bed, which he was gesturing towards, "Remember, this is a reasonably simple operation, however do be aware that sometimes further treatments are expected to be taken to remove all traces of the tumour." he continued. I nodded, "This is a keyhole surgery, there is healing needed to be done, but nothing worse than a sprained ankle." he spoke, but I'm not an expert and even I realise brain surgery is a bit more significant than a sprained ankle.

"Okay," I replied, laying backwards.

"I'm putting you under now, can you count down from ten please?"

I nodded, "Ten, nine, eight, seven," my words began drooping, "Six, five, four, three..."

***

I glanced off to my right slightly, seeing a blurry shape of black. I mumbled something, closing my eyes to avoid the dizziness of the shapes around me.

"Phil?" Dan's voice called out. I smiled, feeling a hand against mine, "How do you feel?"

"Like I've got a fever?" I hoarsely replied.

"That's normal after coming round." a voice spoke.

"Is there any water?" I asked.

"Here." Dan offered, placing a bottle against my lips. He gently stroked my hair, or at least I assumed it was him and not some form of a creepy nurse.

After a couple of hours, I was feeling much better, sitting upright and talking to Dan with much more ease.

"How are you feeling now?"

"Yeah, good. The bandage is annoying me, though." I stroked the patch of shaven hair, where a large plaster was thrown against my scalp.

"Stop picking at it," Dan commanded. I huffed, pouting my lips, "I can't believe you had a fucking tumour."

"Yeah," I chuckled, "Probably should've gone back to the doctor's sooner."

"Hm, maybe that would have been the best option so you didn't have a total of twenty-two stitches in your body." Dan rolled his eyes playfully. I grinned widely, acting proud of my injuries.

"I'm sorry about this all." I weakly smiled.

"Honestly, you should be, I was fucking terrified."

"Hey, all's good now." I stroked Dan's hand. I looked up, seeing his eyes bristled with tears, "It's over now." he smiled, nodding away his watery eyes, "Could you pass me my phone? I'm going to message some people."

"Uh, sure... here."

"Thanks."

_3:48pm Phil - Hey PJ, sorry I didn't reply to your messages, was in the hospital having brain surgery :D_

_3:50pm Phil - Hey Mum! When you're ready give me a call, quite a lot has happened, all good now though xx_

I put my phone to the side, shuffling to the side of the hospital bed and inviting Dan back up. He grinned, rolling under the covers with me. I sighed, "Are you staying here tonight?"

"I'll try to, I can fall asleep in the chair."

"Or up here." I grinned, brushing my fingers through his fluffy curls.

We both heard the door open, our heads turning towards the nurse in the doorway. I felt Dan tense in the presence of the nurse who judged us this morning. She grinned, "Hey again. I apologise for this morning, I realise how bad that might have looked. I believe I was confused between rooms because there are two brothers who are in as well near here. You two look alike, so you confused me when it wasn't you two."

"Oh, no. Don't worry, thanks for apologising." Dan smiled.

"How did the surgery go?" she asked me.

"Shouldn't I be asking you that?" I chuckled. She grinned, nodding.

"Apologies again." she nodded, leaving us two in the room.

***

Dan and I passed the time until the evening, with a mix between being idiots and playing cards from a packet he found in the gift shop. He checked the time, six pm, and turned to me, "Do you want me to wheel you down to the café?"

"Sure, I'm quite hungry," I responded, lifting myself, with Dan's help, into the wheelchair.

There was a Costa downstairs, so we ordered a couple of drinks and purchased some sandwiches. We were going home midday tomorrow, so we could order takeout to wallow in my misery of surgery for dinner. We stayed in there as we consumed our items, enjoying the change in scenery from the white room with blue ocean paintings around me. I'm a bit crazy, but not asylum mad to be in a room like that, "Appreciate that there's even a painting." Dan told me.

We returned to our hospital room, shuffling back onto the bed and watching Netflix on Dan's laptop. He returned to our apartment while I was in the operating theatre to collect some things, to my demand, so that he wouldn't sit worrying about me for the entire time. At least he'd be in a taxi worrying and not staring at a blank wall.

There were a few knocks against the wooden door before it opened to a woman with a clipboard. Dan shuffled beside me, pausing the film, "Everything alright?" he asked the nurse.

She furrowed her brows, looking up, "Dan Howell and Phil Lester, isn't it?" she asked, eyes scrutinizing us. I pinched my lips, my pulse quickening in her judgemental state.

"Y-yeah." Dan stuttered, suggesting he was in as many nerves as I was.

"You're in a relationship, am I correct?"

"Uh, yeah?" I asked, my guard going up. Why was this her business?

She took a seat on the stall in the room, filing between sheets of paper, "Would it be alright if I asked some questions? I believe there's been a confusion in the system."

"Oh," Dan relaxed, "Yeah that's alright," he replied, glancing at me to confirm this. I nodded, squeezing his hand. God, I loved him.

"What are the names of your parents?" she began.

Dan replied with ease.

"I'm adopted," I spoke. Her face changed, "I don't know my birth parents' names." I continued with my adoptive parents' names, once confirmed this was solid enough information.

"And, so... you don't know anything about your birth parents?"

"Um, I don't know why you need to know this, but no, I don't. My parents, oh uh adoptive, have some medical records but we don't have their names."

"Okay," she paused, "I'll be back in a second." Dan and I nodded. Something didn't feel right.

"Something's wrong." Dan gulped. I nodded, turning to him.

"It's, probably just a filing error, we shouldn't worry." I sighed, trying to comfort myself, not only him. I leant in, briefly pressing my lips against his to put his mind at ease.

The nurse and another official returned after that, both scanning the files and momentarily looking up at us in random intervals. The man spoke, his voice concerned and full of sympathy, "We have some news, it probably won't be well received."

"What?" Dan defensively sat up. I held his knee to keep him relaxed.

The man continued, "You two have stated you're in a relationship, but you're half brothers."


	25. 25.

**Dan**

"What?" I spat after a moment. Phil was still beside me, not a movement rippled throughout his skin. The nurse stood twitching on her feet, and the official-looking guy stood there looking neither worried nor alright, "He's not my fucking brother," I stated towards them, "What's the evidence to this, anyway?" I spat, my eyes scrunching and lips turned upwards. The official nodded, looking down at his papers. I sat backwards, my fists folding over my chest as I waited for his response.

He swallowed, "When we're taking a blood donation, we quickly scan it through some tests, and one of those picks up a genealogy link between the two matches, when performed under sudden instances such as this. Our system noticed an error between you two being in a relationship, and being half-brothers. We believed it was our fault; however, it seems like we were not wrong."

"Seems like?!" I spat venom through my teeth, throwing the duvet I shared with my lover to the side and striding towards the two, "I've been with him for six years, how dare you fucking tell me this?!" I screamed through my disbelieving tears, my finger pointed like a dagger towards his face. I felt my face steam up, my forehead drip sweat and my arms shake. I took a step back, "Show me, then," I sternly spoke, passing my hand out in demand for the papers.

He did so.

As I thoroughly analysed the documents, a well-built man charged into the room, "Is there a matter here?" he spoke. I was unsure of what exchange was made between the official and him, but he remained in our room, standing on edge. I held the files, the papers easily sliding between my fingertips and gliding across the pages. My entire body turned towards Phil, my heart wrenching and neck full of knots. I was blank, all apart from a sad smile of defeat painted like the Mona Lisa across my cheeks. His eyes pleaded up towards me, as if he was a toddler waiting upon approval of a sweet treat. This was not a treat. The beat of my chest sounded in my ears, "I'm sorry," were the words I whispered to him as I handed over the signing of a funeral.

Phil laughed, chuckling and shaking his head. He didn't take the papers, strewn together on a clipboard. This man loved me and trusted me, of course he wouldn't deny what I'd just informed him. The number of games of charades we'd played taught us we didn't even need words to read each other. He began stuttering, "N-n-no, this can't, this doesn't, Dan I _love_ you." his face read disgust but I couldn't see it for being about us, but for the shame of being misled by fate in such a way as this. And then, he broke.

I couldn't stand and watch him cough up his own lungs in an outburst of sorrow, I threw the door open, slamming my way into the hall and crashing my fists against the wall, "What the fuck?!" I cried, "What the f- fuck you! Fucking fuck you!" I screamed, throwing my finger at the sky through layers and layers of concrete towards the God I never believed in. My entire body was diving into the motion, then turning to collide against the white paint beside me. I couldn't feel it enough; I couldn't feel the pain I felt on the inside. I banged and screamed and shoved myself against this wall until feeling the warm embrace of a stranger's arms around my core, pulling me back from myself. The figure held me, imploding my body in with the pressure they enforced into me. I still flailed, feeling satisfaction from the release of energy against the all-too-powerful restraint. It ran out into every push I made and fell from the beads of sweat against the brushes of hair along my neck. And then, I gave in. I flopped, letting the weight collapse onto my shoulders and drag me down into the ground. The figure's arms remained around me, now forming as a motherly embrace while I wept all I had, mourning a loss I was unsure whether was gone or not. I turned to the personnel, seeing his face filled with determination to settle me. I nodded, confirming I'd given in for now, letting him remove himself from being my human-handcuffs. He relaxed at this, providing a half-hearted attempt at a weak smile, then throwing his arms around my shoulders to hug me. I returned it, hugging the stranger until I'd wept all away.

"I am so sorry," his hoarse voice apologised. I never replied. I began standing up, with aid of the guard, who led me to a metal seat to perch on. I peered down the two ends of the corridor, seeing the ways blocked off and a mediocre audience glancing by, "It's alright, mate, they won't be there for long," I ran my fingers through my greasy hair, matting it back into a quiff.

I peered up towards the man, facing away from the intrigued passers-by, "How is he my half-brother?" I pathetically asked, the tiresome audible in my voice.

The man shook his head. He ran a hand against my shoulder blades, circling them in comfort, "I'm Darren." he introduced.

I replied, "Dan."

For a while, sat in silence together until another person sat beside me, "Are you two alright?" she spoke. Darren nodded, gesturing that he should be going. I partly smiled, thanking him with the mouthing of the words.

"Uh, no. I'm not. I'm better than I was half an hour ago, but right now, I feel like shit."

"That's okay," she confirmed, placing a cautious hand against my knee. She looked like she was in her sixties, probably late. Slightly frail, but definitely holding a strong will with her. I took in a breath, silently weeping tears of emptiness, "Oh, here," she offered a kind hand, a tissue closed within it.

"Thank you."

"Now, what's the matter deary?" her quiet voice questioned. I eyed her cautiously.

I stuttered, "You're not conservative, right?"

She chuckled, "No, don't worry, the black nails can stay around me."

I screwed my eyebrows, realising my nails were dyed in black varnish, "Oh," I chuckled, "Thank you."

"They look fantastic, now... talk to me."

"I just found out that my fiancé and I are... half-brothers."

"Oh."

I sighed, "Yeah."

"How did that happen?"

"He's adopted, he never knew his birth parents..." I trailed off. My mouth widened, "One of my parents had another relationship."

"Oh no," the poor lady realised she stepped into the wrong mess, "Does this mean one of them had an affair?!"

"No...no because my mum fell pregnant with me at eighteen, and had me at nineteen. My parents weren't together for more than two months."

"Ah."

My mouth widened farther, even if it wasn't possible, "And Phil is four years older than me."

"What?"

"My mum gave birth at fifteen or my dad knocked a girl up real young."

"I'm sure there's better phrasing than that."

Then I realised who I could blame. I took out my phone, dialling the contact which had fallen far below frequent, "Mum."

"Hello Dan!"

"Shut the fuck up."

"Dan?"

"Is Dad there?"

"Yes..."

"Put me on speaker."

"Okay..."

"Which one of you had a kid at fifteen?"

"What?!" my dad spat. Oh.

"Dan, this really isn't fair," my mum warned. I sucked in a breath and felt the heat return to my chest.

"Oh!" I sarcastically shouted, "Oh _that's_ not fair?" I mocked, "You know what's _not_ fair? I'VE BEEN FUCKING MY BROTHER FOR SIX YEARS!" I shrieked down the line. I stood on my feet, my voice full of flames and fists clenching steel. I heard the gasp of my mum. I began laughing, cackling at her through my rage, "Ca-can you even explain?"

She sounded small as she stuttered her excuse, "It was a mistake-"

"Phil is neither an 'it' nor a 'mistake'."

"But, the pregnancy was. I was foolish-"

"Mum, explain later. You got banged at fifteen and shat out my lover, never telling me, and never recognising him. If you _ever_ have anything to say to me again, say it to my face so you feel the pain that I do right now." and I hung up.

The elderly lady spoke nothing but simply held me for fifteen minutes as I broke down, once again, into pitiful sobs. Once I'd calmed, she softly reached out to me, "Go and talk to him, he's hurting as much as you are."

"I'm scared," I whispered, feeling young and childish in my fear.

"You'd be a monster not to be," she comforted, running delicate fingers across my arm, "Go in," I nodded, pursing my lips and securing my fist against the door handle, scanning every dent and fragment in it. I couldn't help but wonder, was I opening the door to my lover, or the door to my brother?

But it wasn't me who opened the door to decide.


	26. 26.

**Phil**

Dan stormed away from me, throwing the door shut into the face of a concerned security attendant. My eyes glanced towards the two shivering workers, stood unsure and concerned. I waved my hand off, ushering for them to leave, so they did. My features hung heavily against my face, tears dripping across my cheeks as my chest heaved into my lungs with every gasp I took. Of course, I was sad, I was devastated, but I also felt...hollow.

I rested my head against the wall, listening to Dan's cries of desperation through the heavy door from outside of the hospital room. He was pounding and shouting and throwing his anger at everything in his way. So I cried to the rhythm of his slams. I sat there, letting the water run down my face like a trickling tap, figuring out what all of this meant. I was lost, unsure, astonished that I sat from across the room from one of my birth parents and they didn't even recognise me. Unless they did. Did Dan know he had a brother, whether it was me or not? What would this mean for him and his family? Have I just gone and broken them all up?

I swept my fist over my eyes, wiping away the damp of my face. I sat back, eyes staring unconsciously at the ceiling considering the one question which bothered me most: did I care if he was my brother or not? To whom would it matter, in all honesty? I couldn't lose him, though, not now, not anymore...that just wouldn't be fair. He shares my genes but I don't know him as my brother, we weren't raised together or loved by the same parents.

I swayed in my thoughts as time brushed by, considering one thing after another. Just as Dan had calmed I heard the throbs of distress echo back outwards from him, once again. I resisted every desire to step out and comfort him, cradle his trembling body in my arms to protect the boy I loved. But I fear he'd disown me, leave me, want me gone. I want to stay, I want him to stay and I want us to stay how we are, please.

I sucked the trembling air back inside of me, brushing my feet along the plastic flooring and reaching for the doorway to Dan. Clenching the handle, I knew that if I wanted him to stay, I'd need to make that clear, because he's a lost boy in a world he grew up in, while only knowing hate. I pulled my way through, looking up as my chest clenched. He stood there, hand on the door, eyes directly into mine.

Do I kiss him? Do I punch him? Do I hug him?

My hand reached out, my fingers brushing the side of his waist, while my eyes slipped to his chest to avoid his eyes of a thousand questions. But he remained silent. I could only stroke his hip for so long before it turned from sentimental to creepy, therefore I made the decision to return my stare to his, watching his eyes water and lips tremble as he tried to scramble for a sentence. I stopped caressing his waist and placed my hands firmly to both his sides, pulling his weight towards me. He seemed reluctant at first, scared almost, but then I held him. I pulled his figure into my arms and kept him tight with me, his head naturally falling against my shoulder.

My lips stuttered, trying out the name in a new form, "Dan..." it felt familiar, it felt warm and it felt like it was right, so I spoke with confidence, "I love you."

I felt his head shake against my neck, my heart dropping at the denial, "N-no, I love you, but-" his croaky voice pleaded, "Phil, I'm scared."

"Me too, Dan," I confirmed, "But we'll work this out, we'll do it together."

"I...I think I'm going to stay with Chris tonight," he stuttered, my throat twisting, "but, I'll be back the night after, I just need someone else to clear me up for now."

"Okay," I sighed. He smiled pitifully, nodding as he grabbed a few of his items from in the room and left down the hall. Shit.

"Sweetie?" a soft voice called out. I moved my eyes away from the exit route Dan took, glancing towards the caller. An elderly lady sat on the cheap chairs, patting a hand down to welcome me over. I gladly took the offer, not wanting to spend time with my mind currently, "I talked to him earlier, I understand what's going on," she soothed. I nodded, letting a few tears drip by.

"What would you do?" I sighed.

"Oh," she began, "Well, I don't think I have an input. The situation is unique, and I'm not a third lover."

"But...if you were to give advice?" I begged.

"Then I'd say you probably know what's more important to the both of you: confining yourself to social acceptions or saying fuck all and love the man you fought for."

"What if he doesn't want me?" I whimpered.

"Then he'd have taken the ring off already," she stated. I chuckled, grinning and falling into her open arm, letting her embrace cradle me, "When you leave, call whoever he's spending the night with."

"Why?"

"Because you seem to be a lot calmer than your fiancé is. Make sure this other guy knows the facts."

I sighed, "Okay."

"Do you know what's happening now?"

"I don't know if I'm dismissed or not, but I'm getting changed and leaving, I'll contact anyone if I've got an issue," I sighed, standing upwards and glancing down at the friendly smile, "Thank you."

"No worries."

"Do...you have anyone with you?" I painfully asked.

"Ah, yes, don't worry about me. My granddaughter had appendicitis, so I came in for her."

I chuckled, "And nobody wonders where you've gone?"

"I said I was going to wander, I could be gone for days," she chuckled, her cheeks lighting up, "Be off with you now," she ushered. I thanked her again before moving off and packing myself up.

On my way out a nurse stared at me, scrunching his eyes, "Phil Lester?"

"Uh, yeah."

"Okay, perfect I'll inform of your dismissal."

"I can leave?"

"Don't think we can stop you, but yes, you're safe to go."

"Okay, thanks."

He nodded towards me, holding the door open with one arm as I passed through the hospital entrance. I took a breath in of the fresh air.

I stumbled my way over to a taxi, flagging it down and requesting to be driven to my home address. The London buildings passed by, dancing along to the songs of life. I just couldn't tell if it was a slow dance or a joyous one, I think I was fearful to look.

I paid the driver and made my way into the apartment, opening the door and placing my stuff against the sofa. Then, I flopped, rubbing my hands into my eyes and letting my brain run on its own command.

_What now?_

I opened my phone, pressing Chris and calling his number. I took a sigh of relief when he answered.

"Uh, hey, Phil?" he asked with strain in his voice.

"Hey...Chris," I mumbled.

"Dan's come round in tears, saying you fell and had to go to hospital, you two had your blood shared, the tests they quickly ran showed you were half brothers, but you've been fucking for six years."

"Uh, yeah. Exactly that."

"Oh, God..." he choked.

"Chris...I-I-I have no clue what to do?"

"Do you love him?"

"Yes. Does he love me?"

"He does. Would you still fuck him?"

"...yeah. Would he..."

"He would. Sorted. I'm driving your fiancé over to you tomorrow morning and you two just need to forget you're slightly related because that's now how you've been raised!"

"But we're not allowed together!"

"Says who? You're not written brothers because you were adopted, you've never known each other like that and the worry would be kids, which you can't have together anyway! And, if options were to come up for that, just know not to take them!"

I sighed, "Okay."

"Okay?"

"Well, yeah."

"Thank God, now I'm going to calm a 6'3 ball of mess and tell him he still has a fuck buddy."

I chuckled, "Thanks, Chris."

"I had no choice. But, call me if you need me, yeah?"

"Yeah, thanks."

We said goodbye to each other, and I was once again left alone with myself. I opened Twitter, looking along all the comments wondering where Dan and I were. I told them I fell down the stairs and had an operation, but there was nothing to worry about and we'll be back in a couple of days.

My heart rose into my throat, what if the internet found out we were brothers now we'd said we're together?

_Fuck._

I guess, we just hide it, if we can.


	27. 27.

**Phil**

A yawn escaped my mouth as I rolled onto my back, my eyes glancing towards the bedroom window. The cloudy night sky peeked in, mocking my wake and how the anxiety clawed away at me from my stomach. I was a wimp; I didn't want to confront that day, because the instability of the final outcome was that of a boat on a stormy sea. Those same oceans swirled in my unsettled gut.

I didn't want to exist.

What was piling more onto the guilt of giving up at a sudden hurdle, was the knowledge that if Dan knew, he'd see it as his fault. I'm not sure whose fault it is, but I refuse it to be either of ours.

The darkness in my room swallowed me, while my sheets pressed me down into the bed. My body felt heavier than usual. Maybe it is my fault, because if I'd gone to the doctor's sooner then they'd have found it and I'd never have had the accident in the first place. Oh God, it is my fault. Because _that_ was what led to the blood transfusion. If I hadn't ignored it, Dan wouldn't be at Chris' and instead by my side, in my arms as I cradled his sleeping body. I wouldn't want to leave him.

I allowed my phone light to stream across my face, my thumbs trying to lower the brightness beyond the dimmest setting. I squinted my eyes, groaning at the time projected to me: six am.

I didn't move. I stayed on my phone, scrolling through social media and checking off the notifications one by one. I wish my mind was dealing with lots of small issues rather than one pillaging warning that I was violently swiping away at.  
My stomach rumbled, but I wasn't getting up let alone travelling to the kitchen. I remained in the unsettling warmth of mine and Dan's bed. Simply, without Dan.

That final thought echoed through my head hundreds of times before I pressed on Chris' contact. The line was answered, "Hey?" I asked out.

"Hi Phil, you alright?" Chris' concerned voice asked.

"Yeah, I'm fine. How's Dan?" I sighed, lying for the sake of my convenience.

"He didn't sleep-"

I spoke with exhausted desperation, "Can you, ask him to get over?"

"Yeah, sure... Phil-?"

"Thanks, I just need to talk to him."

"He needs to talk as well, Phil?"

"Yeah?"

"You sound like shit mate, you sure you're okay?"

I sighed again, "Yeah," the line was silent for a second, before he gave in.

"Alright, call me if you need, I'll have Dan around by eight."

"Thanks."

"No worries."

He hung up and the emptiness of the line surrounded me like the darkness was earlier that morning. But the sun peeped in now; it felt so wrong. The sky was filling with purples and blues and yellows, it should all be grey. All dull, all dark, all unpredictable.

I stayed in bed even when I heard the apartment door open. Feet trod up the stairs following a call of, "Phil?" it was Dan, and he sounded exhausted. I hoped flutters of joy would encapsulate me when the familiarity of his presence swayed in, but instead I hid under my covers with guilt and dread burying me, "Phil?" he called out again. I continued my silence.

The handle of the bedroom door twisted open, revealing Dan standing with his shoulders drooping and his body wrapped in pyjamas. I smiled, but it didn't feel like one. He froze, not moving in my gaze. I wasn't sure what to do, how to act or how to greet him, so I stood up and shuffled towards him. I felt him stiffen as I approached, his posture turning upright with defence. My arms wrapped around his slender torso, my forehead digging into his shoulder. He slowly moved his hands behind me, his palms reaching for my back.

I took a breath in, uttering the words, "I love you."

"Still?" he questioned.

I nodded, "Still."

We paused for a moment, not particularly to enjoy the other's grasp, but in loss of how to act next.

"What do we do?" Dan whispered.

"What do you want to do?" I rephrased.

"I-I want you."

"You want to do me?" I chuckled. He grinned, shaking his head.

"What do you want?" he asked back.

"To forget it all."

"Okay."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. I mean, it'll be weird at first, but who gives a fuck? Who knows anyway? A few medical staff, an old lady, Chris and PJ, then us."

"Yeah."

"Phil, we'll be alright."

I hummed, "Okay," before pausing for a moment, finding any sense of normality, "Want to rest and watch a film?"

He yawned, "Sure."

***

I held Dan's frame in my arms, the duvet over our bodies, protecting us from the world. We didn't feel okay, we felt lost, unsure, fearful, but that in itself was alright, for now.

I still couldn't help but stare down at him as if he was a total stranger, at times. What other secrets could the world be sneaking in between my fantasies, lurking behind unsuspecting corners? I met this boy so many years ago, we grew into something I'd never witnessed before and built our lives on that foundation. YouTube, that's what eventually made us for _u_ s. But that's what _they_ see, not this damp, clogged rag soaked with blood and tears. They don't see Dan breaking down at two am, or the weight I carry with me; that I'm just not good enough to have the amount of _them_ that I do. They don't know shit about us because even when we do share the hard times, they don't feel Dan's pain like I do. If they did, they'd back away and keep their boundaries, because no one who cares for us would try to break us, even if it gained them attention. But some of them smile behind the corners, waiting to carve my grin to shame.

We're not ready, just leave us alone.


	28. 28.

**_Three months later_ **

**Dan**

"Phil! Philly boy!" I chanted out, tumbling up the staircase into our bedroom, "Philly boy Mcsleepy, get your-"

He groaned, "I'm awake... I'm awake," surrendering his arms up to me, "what do you want?"

"You."

"Yeah, what about me?"

"Firstly, I want pancakes," I chuckled.

"You did not get me up at seven in the morning to make you-"

I chuckled, "Not entirely. No, I also decided to harass you because I'm taking you out."

"Where?"

"Outside."

"Why?"

"Because I love you and I'm being spontaneous."

"You're never spontaneous!" he grumbled, closing his eyelids to block out the intruding sunlight.

"I know, it's a shock, don't faint. Or do, I don't know mouth to mouth resuscitation, but I sure won't mind trying-" I grinned.

"You don't need me to be dying to kiss me, you know."

"I know, but I like being dramatic! Which is why I'm taking you out to the theatre."

"The theatre?"

"Yes!"

"Why?"

"Because I'm being spontaneous. Come on, catch up, we've been through this part!"

"Alright, alright. But what are we seeing?"

I remained silent.

"Dan... what are we seeing?"

"There's a drag show touring and it's got good reviews." I pouted.

"Oh my God."

"You'll like it! There'll be gay men basically naked, literally nothing could be better."

"Plenty could be, but I'm not arguing."

"Good."

"But the gay, naked part is accurate, right?" he grinned with a cheek to his smile.

"I wouldn't strip tease you."

"Oh yeah, you would," he quirked an eyebrow at me, "But tell me, why did you wake me up at seven to tell me this?"

"Because we're going in an hour, you need to get dressed and I want pancakes."

He groaned, rolling himself away from the covers and sliding his arms around me, "If batter gets stuck to the ceiling, it's your responsibility," he scoffed playfully, pulling himself away, "I hate you."

I curtseyed away from him, "I know you do, my handsome fiancé," he shook his head towards my giddy attitude, "Wear a suit!"

***

We left the restaurant together, walking close enough to claim the other, but not so much to make a public statement. Tonight was to be mine and his, no harassment, no internet news and certainly no phobic people of any kind. The path under our feet splashed with our steps, the gentle splatters of rain from earlier still dampening our way. I led Phil to the theatre under the autumnal, evening sky; our surroundings still lit up, but a frost against our arms. I took a breath in, appreciating the air in my lungs.

"You're happy," Phil stated, his eyes still holding his gaze against the extravagant building.

I confirmed, "I am," before taking his hand in mine, "Because for once, I don't feel as if I'm chasing time, hoping it doesn't run away from me. I have it, I have it here with me and it's not trying to escape," we smiled towards each other, our steps coming to a halt, "The doors should be open, but we have a while before the performance."

"We could sit in the foyer for a bit? Get some pre-show popcorn?" he chuckled. My cheeks grinned, my lead taking him into the sequin-filled build.

The chairs inhabited our bodies for a while, as we sat in an exchange between people-watching and subtle conversation between the two of us. The foyer gradually filled, until the crowd watered through into the theatre by staff command.

"Don't forget to silence your phone," I reminded Phil, not wanting a repeat of awkward calls placed inconveniently halfway through interviews and the alike. He pouted, elbowing my side. I know he secretly appreciated it.

"I'm setting it to vibrate though, I'm waiting on a message from my brother," I nodded understandingly as Martyn had been taken in suddenly with breathing difficulties. Phil sighed, "I doubt I'll hear during the show, but if I need to sneak out-"

"I understand, don't worry. If we need to leave, that's okay too."

"It won't come to that, don't worry."

"I know. But, just in case," I smiled, he pecked his lips against mine.

The beginning of the show was hilarious and incredible, both Phil and I, along with the rest of the audience, were in hysterics. The actors and queens were parading across the stage when Phil pulled out his phone. I glanced over at the dark screen, squinting to try and make out the concern. His eyebrows furrowed, his tongue sliding across his lips before he tucked his phone away again. He passed me a false smile, dismissing the issue with a shake of his head. I squeezed his palm, growing more concerned after feeling a series of vibrations from his phone through his pocket.

During the song, I leant towards him, carefully whispering, "Are you sure everything's alright?"

"I'll sort it out during the interval," he nodded, "It's not my brother," I think he told me this to try and ease me, but my worries became focused on what else it could have been.

The curtains were drawn and Phil hurriedly led me away from the crowd. I swallowed, "Phil, what's going on?" my hand linked around his arm, "Phil?" his fingers were swiping against his phone.

"Dan?" he squeaked. I hummed in response. He sighed, "They know," my chest dropped, "They know we're brothers."

"What? Phil, how? What do you mean?" I desperately grasped out for hope.

"There's been a video out for a while, a video of you breaking down in the hospital when we just realised that... But people have been seeing it more and more, and now it's covering everything."

"Phil... how... do we need to be worried?"

"Yeah," he bit his lip, "Yeah, we do. I'll get some people to contact YouTube, but that's not going to be enough. It's on Twitter as well now, I saw it too late."

"Hey," I reached out, stroking his arm, "We can sort this out."

"Dan, it's had more views than we have subscribers."

"Oh."

"It's been up for three months."

"Why did nobody find it until now?"

"I think they did, we were just too busy living in our fantasy world."

"We'll be okay," I stated. He smiled weakly in return.


	29. 29.

**Dan**

All I felt was anger at every little thing possible. Every breeze passing through my bedroom window and spitting at the side of my face. Every warm tear that trickled down the sides of my face. It all fucking annoyed me because they were all extra things to be concerned with.

I hated how many times I'd sat against the head of this bed and gazed off to the wall in front of me about Phil, because now they all make me feel disgusted. I'm ashamed but I don't even know how to be! It was a fucking cruel trick of the universe that existence had going against me for the past how many God damn years. I knew it was all too good to be true.

I opened my lips to curse about the whole thing, but the second I did a sob became caught in my throat and every emotion possible was scoffed into one outwards bawl from my lungs. I felt my entire body clench with the distress, my small figure collapsing into the arms of the one I'd fallen in love with. He didn't usher a sound, instead he simply brushed his fingers through my hair, comforting me. I hated him for it, because it made me love him.

'Why?' I choked out through broken breaths in my sob. He looked towards me. I didn't see him do it but I felt the atmosphere shift. I shook my head and looked away; I didn't want to face the inevitable. Phil sighed, resting his forehead onto the back of my turned away head. We both knew we wanted him to kiss me, but would it be wrong now everyone knows?

I wiped my hands against my damp cheeks and licked my lips, turning to face him. Any words I was about to usher slipped away at the sight of his reddened face. He too had been crying, but was too brave and too worried about me to let that knowledge seep through to my mind. We both kept parting our lips as we began to piece words together, however every time they were swept away because there was nothing in this situation that was right to be said.

I didn't feel alone. I know it's odd to say that, but I was so desperate to feel alone in that moment because I knew that I didn't have that feeling because he was beside me, but now I can't have him. I just can't have him. But what is a brother? Are we even legally allowed to be together? Are there words in the books of law to part us from each other, even if we were seperated by adoption? There's no issues with kids either, since we're both male. I guess that was our small ounce of luck within this nightmare. If only we kept it hidden.

Phil looked downwards, fiddling with my fingers in between his own as our hands pressed against the bed. I drew in a breath and caught myself in his eye-line as his eyes fluttered back upwards. His head pushed forwards for a second before he abruptly stopped and chuckled, backing up the small distance he made. I shook my head, exhaling as I turned my head away. I can't guarantee it, but I could sense the timing we made as both our heads snapped to look at each other once again, the movements purely acting as if we'd spoken 'Fuck It'. We both leant in, our lips connecting as I smiled into the kiss. I wrapped my arms under his shoulders as he pulled me closer with his palms on my back.

Forget it. Forget it all. Forget every statement we heard to confirm our relationship, forget every awkward glance between everyone involved, forget every annoying breeze and every annoying tear falling down our faces, even forget the whispers and comments we'll get in the future and the hate from the past. Phil's hand brushed upwards to my hair, stroking the strands above my neck. We'll have to forget it all and move on. But what will we choose to forget? The thought brought the passion away from the kiss, my lips moving away as I sighed and buried my head into his neck. His arms were cradling my body, which was neatly curled up against him. I felt the sudden rise of heartrate against his chest, the rhythm moving against our close embrace. He sighed out four simple words that were too strong for anyone to say, yet he spoke them out, 'I'm not leaving you.'

The strength of them was enough to cause me to dissolve into tears all over again, my body violently shaking with the equal strength of the weight of absolutely everything. I felt as if I was mourning something. In a way, I was, but it was like a breakup on a knife-edge; inevitable or avoidable; heartbreak or happiness. Fifty percent of those possibilities are ideal, the other fifty I fear leads to a lonely demise.

And to the person who recorded me that day, fuck you.


	30. 30.

**Phil**

I left Dan on the bed the next morning, unwinding our arms from around each other so I could slip away from our room. I stared at him for a moment, a small smile creeping onto my face. It felt wrong to be smiling, but I don't think anything I did could feel right. We're on unmarked territories. Whatever we do now will go down in history.

I sighed, gently closing the door behind me to make sure I didn't wake Dan. God damnit, all he wanted was for us to spend the day together and enjoy ourselves. That was all we wanted. Our _one_ night. Our...our night we were going to get married.

I bit my lip and brushed my hair away from my face, releasing a long breath. _I've got to do something about this._

I hurried to the computer, opening tabs after tabs, finding every video copy, every article and every post about us. I called up Martyn, begging him for legal advice and for him to scour the internet for anything I was missing. There were pages and _pages_. We weren't even that interesting!

"Phil, Phil, calm down," my brother reassured me, "we can work this out. We're not going to get anywhere if you're panicking."

"God, you're right," I sniffled, "I'm just... I'm just...I..."

"Look, you deal with YouTube and I'll find a lawyer to deal with the news articles. Alright?" he sternly planned.

"Yeah, okay," I agreed, "I'll put you on speaker on my desk."

I was battling the queasy feeling in my gut as I sent dozens of emails and called out to every name I could find who could be responsible for the spread. The relief that came over me, once I had confirmation the video was entirely removed from both YouTube and Twitter, was immense. Martyn was still battling with the news companies, but ultimately, we held the right for our information to be taken down.

I chuckled slightly to myself: we will win. We can remove it all. Dan crept up behind me, wrapping his hands around my neck and whispering in my ear, "You're incredible."

I chuckled, humming in response and glancing around at him. My smile faded and Dan shared a look of concern, "Dan, we can remove it all from the internet, but we can't remove it from people's memories. All our fans will know, the entirety of social media knows."

He pursed his lips, looking hopelessly down, "So..." he began.

"So, everything I'm doing is close to futile." I nodded along with my words, pitifully looking up at him. Silence was held between us for a while, both of our minds contemplating different thoughts. But, no matter what, we couldn't predict how people would react, what their opinions would be, or whether or not they'd even care past the original Breaking News, "We've just got to play it out. We'll react as necessary and stay strong."

"Yeah..." Dan whimpered.

"We've already dealt with the emotions ourselves. We can do this. We know what we mean to each other." I stood up, Dan's arms following my movements. I pressed our foreheads together and kissed him. The moment I pulled away, he reached out for me again, tightening his grasp around my body and pushing himself into me. I backed up, gasping for breath as I stuttered out a desperate sentence, "Dan, Dan...What are we doing?"

"Don't let me lose you. I'll never be the same. Phil, I'm so _fucking_ terrified of being alone; being away from you."

"I'm here. I always will be. We've got whatever it takes. No matter...no matter how hard it gets...I- Dan, I love you-" he threw himself back onto me, lowering me back into the chair and straddling my waist, tearing away our clothes and placing terrified kisses across my chest. It won't feel right. It couldn't. It shouldn't. But as we held our bodies together, it did. He was giggling into my neck as I smiled against him, enjoying every inch of him.

We panted beside each other, our bodies overheating together. I stood us up, perching his body against the desk as I glanced at my phone and erupted into laughter.

"What?! What?!" Dan squealed, pulling us apart.

"You won't believe this,' I whispered against him, my gut in a knot, "I left my brother on speaker and didn't hang up."

Dan suddenly backed our faces apart, glaring into my eyes, and then to his side, scrambling to hang up the call, "YOU ABSOLUTE FOOL!" he squealed, gently hitting my shoulder.

"I'm sorry!" I screeched, laughing against his shoulder. It took us a moment to calm down before we could get out any more words.

"We better be finishing this." he stated, staring down at my bare body. I grinned, pressing our lips back together, forgetting all that was occurring around us.


	31. 31.

**Dan**

I'd taken a step back from the internet since the video went viral. Despite Phil and his brother successfully pulling it down from the mainstream media, I wasn't ready to face the aftermath. Everything felt like society's reaction should've been so much worse. We're half-brothers. It's controversial enough that we're gay, for Christ's sake! That being said, I don't want to count my chicks before they hatch as I've avoided whatever could have been offensive. I believe Phil had, too, for that matter.

"Phil?!" I shouted into the apartment, picking up my wallet and my phone.

"Yeah?" he replied from somewhere.

"I'm going to the shop, do you need anything?" I asked as I walked up to the front door.

"Um...can you get some more coffee?"

"Sure-"

"And uh, you need more cereal." he giggled. I unlocked the door, groaning as I grinned. I hated his habits, but I loved him enough for it to be forgiven. I closed the door behind me, taking the lift down and walking to the corner shop. My hands felt clammy and everyone I saw I had to do a double-take. They were staring at me. I know they were. I felt their eyes on me, their judgemental thoughts. I bet they didn't even know who I was a few months ago. Now they all know me. Everyone knows me. My body became rigid and I glared into the road, my heart racing in my ears. My head was pounding against my skull until I finally reached the shop. I hurried inside, placing my back against a wall and gathering myself.

" _No one is staring at you, Dan."_ I thought to myself, _"Look up, take a moment, nobody cares-"_

"Are you alright, Sir?" a shop assistant approached me, offering a warm smile.

"Yeah..." I nodded, "I just need a moment, thank you anyway, I dismissed." I flashed a fake grin. Whether they bought it or not, it didn't matter as it got rid of them, _"If they knew what you were doing, who you were having sex with, they'd be disgusted by you. They'd kick you out the shop."_ I pulled myself away from the wall, ignoring my inner monologue. I picked up the basket of items I needed and took myself to the till.

My face was drawn-out. My eyes were heavy and my body was exhausted by every movement. I kept my face down, throwing each item into a bag as it came along the register.

"Cash or card?" the cashier asked.

"Card." I responded, looking up as I passed it to them. They took it, seeming no more amused that they were here than I was that I was here. There was nothing to worry about, I reassured myself. My hands shook against the side as I waited patiently, the cashier slowly turning their head back to me with an unwelcoming stare. I took a sharp breath in, _"It's not personal. They just don't want to be working."_ I reminded myself. I had to focus on every breath that passed through my lips.

They slyly read my debit card as they passed it back to me, turning and glaring at me, "You're disgusting." they spat. The breath I was about to release got stuck in my throat as a lump. My hand vibrated as I snatched the card back, placing it into my wallet and running away with my shopping in my hand.

 _"Disgusting. Disgusting. Disgusting."_ I was hearing it ringing in my head. I started to believe that it was only bothering me as much as it was because, well, it was true.

I unlocked the door to the apartment and stepped inside, lifelessly walking into the kitchen. I threw the bag onto the counter and unpacked it automatically. I felt a hand on my shoulder and breathing besides my face, "Dan, I was thinking of ordering something tonight-"

"No, it's okay." I answered back with my heart aching in my chest.

"What?"

"I said no. You can, I'd rather be alone."

"Oh. Are you feeling unwell-"

"I want to be alone, Phil." I snapped, discarding the rest of the shopping on the side and leaving for the bedroom.

My laptop sat on my bedside table, the plastic casing mocking me. I ran my fingertips over it, slowly sliding it towards me. I needed to know. I needed to know what they thought of me. I grabbed the device, opening it in front of me and searching up Twitter.

_Dan Howell_

I scrolled down, scanning every post that was directed at me or about me.

_Disgusting._

_They can't be staying together._

_It's just wrong._

_Nobody in their right mind would fuck their brother._

_Vile._

_Inhuman._

_Everyone needs to understand that if they were brother and sister, it would be frankly despicable. They don't get special treatment for being gay and famous._

_Disgusting._

_I always knew they looked similar. Remember how journalists thought they were brothers? Lmao._

_I can't believe I ever shipped those two._

That...that was from an old fan. I opened a tab with YouTube on and searched up our profile.

_DanAndPhilDoStuff_ _\- 5M subscribers._

Five million...we'd lost four million subscribers... It wasn't the fact that we'd lost numbers, it was the fact that those numbers represented how society saw us. How our relationship was viewed. Our fans didn't support us. Our fans were disgusted by us. I couldn't help but wonder if Phil knew about this. I couldn't help but get angry at Phil for hiding this from me, whether he knew about it or not.

What about our friends and family, what did they think, how were they reacting?

I grabbed my phone and pressed contact after contact.

"Chris?" I croaked.

"Hey...Dan..."

"Do you still like us?"

"Of course. Dan-"

"Do you think we're disgusting?"

"Dan, look, you're obviously not doing well. Let me and Peej come down-"

"Do you think we're disgusting?"

"No. Dan, you're our-"

I cut the line dead.

"Louise?"

"Dan! Oh my God, I haven't heard from you since-"

"Do you still like us?"

"Of course I do. It's not going to be easy for you, but-"

"Are we disgusting?"

"Dan... I mean, it's not normal, but it's you and Phil. _Dan and Phil_. Internet sensations..."

"Do you think..."

"Dan. It's not ideal, but I don't hate you for it."

I hung up.

I hovered over my mum's contact. I hadn't run her since...since this had all began. If anyone should support me, it should be her for causing this.

I rang out.

But no response came back.

I ran Phil's mum who'd been more of a mother than mine ever had been.

"Hello, Dan."

"D-do..." I realised her opinion meant more to me than anyone else's did, "What do you really think of us?"

"Dan. I love you and Phil. I will love you no matter what. It's strange, I know, and I can't help but feel like some of it's my fault..."

_Strange._

"But," she continued, "Dan, what's more important is what matters to you and Phil." her soft, reassuring voice did nothing but fill me with guilt.

I let out a pathetic whine and I have no doubt she heard it before I cut off the line.

There was a knock on the bedroom door, followed by a cautious Phil who came into the room seeing me breaking down with my laptop thrown to my side and my phone limply in my grasp. I looked up at my half-brother. My brother who I'd had sex with for almost six years. My brother who I was engaged to and was supposed to be married to. My brother who I wanted to press my body against and have him tell me he will love me until we die. My brother who I wanted to hate and pound my fists against his chest until I bled. I stared angrily at my palms. What they'd touched, where they'd been.

I looked up to Phil kneeling beside me, warily placing his hand on my back. I wasn't sure if I was going to scream, or cry, or hit, or kiss until I couldn't breathe. So, I remained still.

"What happened?" he asked quietly, "What happened to us promising we'd never leave each other's sides?"

"I want you to know I love you," I whispered, "But I need to stay somewhere else tonight. I need to work out if I can love you like I want to...like I need to...but also, whether or not the world will kill me if I try to." I whimpered, holding back tears from falling against my face.

"Okay..." he solemnly agreed, "On the one promise that you're back by dinner tomorrow. I need to know you're safe."

"Okay but Phil?"

"Yeah?"

"Neither of us are safe." I choked up, looking up at him with water in my eyes. He remained silent, looking hopelessly out of the window as I packed an overnight bag and left.


	32. 32.

**Phil**

Dan was right. Neither of us could be safe anymore. Probably anyone who supported us couldn't be safe anymore. It didn't matter. What mattered to me was Dan. It pained me to admit to myself that I would do anything to keep Dan in my life, whether or not that meant I had to form a brotherly love for him rather than a romantic one. Oh God, please don't let it come down to that. We got through this when we first realised we were brothers, we can work it out again, despite the whole world knowing this time.

I pulled Dan's laptop towards my lap and opened up the browsers he was viewing. I scrolled through the Twitter posts that he read, becoming more and more helpless with every one. But, they weren't all bad. They weren't all accusing us of dreadful crimes against humanity. I was still dancing in my fucking optimistic ballet slippers, dodging every bullet of truth.

_They didn't even know they were brothers, how do you expect them to break apart now?_

_They've been together for six years, just play ignorant._

_What's the issue with it? They can't have kids and they're not legally brothers. Half-brothers, even._

The world wasn't completely against us.

I clicked on the other tab Dan had open, viewing our YouTube page. What was he even wanting from here-?

Oh. That would've been what broke him.

Dan would never have admitted that our fans' opinions mattered to him, but they did. He felt a desire to be liked. To me, I saw the number as, 'it's amazing we have five million subscribers'. Whereas to Dan, it would've been, 'four million of our fans hate our relationship enough to give up on us'.

A part of me wishes I could unsubscribe and be done with it. But, this is Dan. This is Dan Howell, the boy who I held in my arms at gaming con when he couldn't cope with being in a crowd. This is the same Dan, who can now stand in front of thousands of people and feel at peace. This is Daniel fucking Howell who I first kissed in the snow and felt energy like I never had done before. The boy who I've dreamt about every day since I was twenty-two. The boy with the eyes that I get lost in whenever I see them and can forget anything when his lips are pressed against mine. This is the beautiful boy who I don't think I could ever have stopped myself from falling in love with because we are damn right soulmates and I would put myself through torture for him. This is Daniel Howell, who is slipping away from me because the universe hates us. Dan Howell, who I wouldn't want to wake up without him by my side in the morning. Dan, who I love more than anything. Dan...

I held my hand to my face as I coughed up a sob, my face scrunching together as I lost it. I cried for every moment we'd ever had that had now been tainted with hate. I cried for every moment we'd never share again, because Dan Howell, I love you so, so much, but I don't think you're ever coming back to me. I want to go back to the train station, or back to the snow where I can brush my hands through your soft hair and promise you again that I am _never_ leaving you. My entire world was falling apart in front of me, within this laptop, because Dan is my world and he is being taken away.

I sobbed and I screamed until my throat was raw and my stomach ached. My face was covered in salty water and my lips were swollen.

There was a wary knock on the door. I stumbled out of my bedroom and down the stairs, pulling the door open and staring upwards in defeat.

"Hey, Phil..." Chris smiled lopsidedly. I yanked his body towards me and embraced him and I wept. He remained silent, ushering us into the hallway and closing the door behind us.

"Chris...I-" but I didn't know what I wanted to say. He led us into the front room to sit on the sofa, running a hand along my back.

"Dan called me a couple of hours ago and I knew I had to come round," he sighed sympathetically, "Where is he?"

"I don't know. He's spending the night elsewhere. I told him to come back by tomorrow dinner so I know he's safe. But...but," my voice was beginning to squeak, "I don't think he'll ever be coming back after that." I knew it hurt Chris to see my optimistic personality withered away, but I knew I was speaking the truth.

"I've brought a bag with me, can I camp here tonight? I don't want to leave you like this." Chris sighed. I nodded gratefully, accepting every support I could be given.

I spent every moment worrying about Dan, hoping he was somewhere warm and safe. I trusted him to come back, but I didn't trust himself not to destroy himself in the meantime.


	33. 33.

**Dan**

I think I managed to achieve a total of half an hour's sleep in the oppressive hotel room. I finally collapsed at five in the morning after tearing my lungs apart from crying. It was continuously broken sleep at that, until I gave up and left the hotel at seven.

I didn't go back. I just wandered around with my backpack on my back. I took a rest on a bench in a small park around noon, eyeing everyone up, being wary of anyone looking at me.

Someone came and sat next to me. I flinched, shuffling away and pulling my bag with me. I kept my head down, but shifted my eyes upwards and saw them glance at me. I shot up, "What the fuck are you looking at?" my hair was a mess, my breath probably stank, my eyes would've still been puffy and my skin raw from wiping my tears away. I slept in the clothes I was wearing, so they were creased and slightly damp from sweating in the night. So, even if the man was looking at me, he had every right in doing so.

"Mate, I wasn't-"

"I saw you!" I hollowed, "You glared at me!" my eyes were beginning to water, so I was ferociously wiping at them. I looked up, seeing the five other people around staring at me with very concerned glares.

Everyone knew me. Shit. Everyone thought I was fucking vile and deserved to fucking rot in hell.

"Don't fucking look at me!" I screamed, my throat clogging up. I turned back to the man on the bench who was smiling, "WHY ARE YOU FUCKING SMILING YOU PIECE OF SHIT?!"

At that point, a lady, who looked to be in her late forties, approached me with confidence. I felt instantly relaxed, in an odd way. She didn't seem as though she was going to hurt me, or criticize me, maybe she was there to help me? I still kept my eyes burning into her, warning her of who I was. Who was I?

"Hello there. I'm Vicky, what's your name?"

"D-Dan." I coughed up.

"Would you like to take a seat?"

"Not next to him!" I shouted, pointing behind me.

Vicky glanced over my shoulder, smiling sweetly, "Dan, you don't need to worry, the bench is empty."

I looked behind me, staring at the wicked man. Vicky walked to the bench and sat through him. I focused on Vicky and when I tried to return my gaze to the man, he had gone. I looked around me and ahead, but he wasn't there. I felt so lost. I wasn't even scared. I didn't have the energy to feel frightened, so I shuffled next to Vicky, letting her place a hand on my shoulder.

She took a moment before beginning her sentence, "How are you feeling, Dan?"

"I'm-I...I'm...Phil..." I stuttered. She nodded in understanding, but I have no clue what she could have understood. She seemed to be lost in thought for a moment before returning to me, "Do you mind if I make a phone call?" I shook my head, feeling absolutely deflated. She smiled warmly, "I'll just step by that tree over there," she pointed, "and then I'll be back. Can you stay here for me?" I nodded, looking down at my feet and fiddling with my nails.

I tried listening to her conversation, but my mind was too loud. I began to feel my heart in my throat and my body was sweating. My breathing became quick and I needed to get out of my clothes before they stuck to my body in this heat. I pulled my t-shirt off and threw it on the bench beside me, followed by my shoes and socks. I still had enough sense to keep my jeans on, though.

It was late November and I was sat on the bench in 5°C weather, in my jeans and pants. A woman, who I'd never met before, was making a phone call as she held a wary stare over me.

She returned, placing my clothes onto my bag and kept me in a one-sided conversation and she talked to me about the most basic things. Yet, I can barely remember any of them.

At some point later, two people in bright jackets approached me, thanking Vicky and talking to the both of us. I kept staring at Vicky, hoping she knew how to answer. One of the people held me under my shoulders, walking me into the back of an ambulance.

" _What? I'm not hurt."_ I thought to myself, "I-I'm not hurt..." I spoke.

"No, we know that, but we're going to take you to the hospital so you can be safe.

The entire journey I was sat in the back of the van with a blood pressure monitor around my arm and some sort of squidgy ball in the other.

They led me out of the van, taking me to a small room, where a nurse introduced themself to me.

"I-I can't be here..." I panicked, remembering being in this hospital when everything began going wrong.

The nurse was talking, but she passed me a cap of meds and a cup of water, which I took automatically. She seemed to be relieved at this. I laid back, letting the tension in my body slowly fade away.

I glanced at the nurse, watching her go through my belongings before pulling out my phone. I smiled at her.

She left with it, my eyes drawing shut.


	34. 34.

**Phil**

I heard my phone ring. It was three in the afternoon and I spent every moment anxiously staring at the door for Dan to arrive. Chris was still trying to distract me, but apart from the occasionally shared conversation, I wasn't interested. I picked up my phone, my entire body buzzing when I saw Dan's name appear.

Chris held his hand out and I passed the shaking device over to him. He was right, I wasn't in a place to answer this.

"No, Phil's beside me, I'm his friend." Chris replied to the phone. What? Surely Dan knew mine and Chris' voices?

Chris glanced up at me, his eyes sharing something unreadable. Oh God, please say Dan was alive. What had he done to himself?

After a minute or two, Chris put the phone to his side and turned to face me. My head felt light. Chris began, "Dan is safe," I sighed the biggest breath of relief I could form, "But, he's in the hospital. He was found in the park in a bad condition mentally."

I kept my emotions hidden, unsure of what I was even experiencing. My throat was dry, but I managed to reply, "Well...well let's go." I decided, putting on some shoes and leaving in a state.

Chris walked me to the hospital. It would've taken roughly the same time to take the tube as it would've to have walked. Chris asked for Dan at reception, and after a few confirmation questions, we were directed to where he would be.

 _Occupational Therapy._ I repeated in my head. I shouldn't have let Dan leave. What was he going to get himself into?

When we got to the ward, a nurse led us to Dan's room. She stood us outside for a moment, "I've been Dan's nurse, so I will just run over a few things: he's physically stable. An OT of another hospital happened to find him in an unstable state at a nearby park. She wasn't able to get much out of him. He stripped down to his jeans and was experiencing psychotic episodes. A couple of paramedics brought him over and we've given him relaxants while he's been here. He woke up about half an hour ago but still hasn't talked much. We were wondering if you know of any mental health background?"

I nodded, "He's...he struggled with depression a lot when he was a teenager, but hasn't dealt with anything severe for six years."

"Could there have been any trigger to today's events?"

I nodded again, sighing, "It's complicated," she waited for me to go on, "We have been dating for almost six years, but we recently found out we were brothers. We're YouTubers and the internet found out and..." I looked at her, and I could tell she already knew the story. At least she wasn't disgusted by it. I was led into Dan's room while Chris sat outside.

"Hey, Dan." I subtly smiled. He looked at me, but no reaction came from it. This wasn't my Dan. I sat on the chair beside him, watching him as his eyes followed me, "Dan-" but my words were interrupted by my sobs. Dan sat up, taking my hand in his. "What are we going to do?" I asked, not looking at him. "I mean, look at us!" we were pathetic, in all honesty. I doubt we could even live apart if we tried. I sighed, "I'll make a call with my mum and see if she can take us in for a while. I can't care for myself, let alone help you and I don't want you shut away somewhere."

I finally looked up at Dan who was slowly nodding. He'd taken his hand away from mine, so I rested my forehead against the bed. Dan rubbed my forehead with his thumb, making me glance upwards.

If everything hadn't shattered in me beforehand, it did now. I looked between Dan's fingers to see him holding the ring I gave him. It was almost like a wedding band, but thinner and was engraved on the outside. I took the ring, looking helplessly up at him with it in my hand.

"Phil...This isn't me giving up on us. It's me saying that we're not going to be able to work this out, because it's out of our hands. This is me saying that I want to come back to you, but I'm not even myself at the moment. It's not fair on either of us. We need to take a while to see what happens with everything. Maybe then we can try again."

I was slowly nodding, but I didn't want to agree. "Dan?"

"Yes?"

"On one condition:"

"Mm?" he sighed miserably.

"You come back with me to my Mum's. It's not ideal, but it's the best situation we can work with. I'll ask for Martyn's old room to be set up for you. It's not safe for either of us to be alone and I think my mum could do the best job at keeping us safe. She'd want to keep us safe."

He nodded. I hated every moment of this and I know he did, too.


	35. 35.

**Dan**

Phil had made contact with his mum as promised. He was right, in this situation it wasn't ideal for us to live together, but we both knew that not only would his mum protect us both until the end, but we knew she would want to and feel honoured we asked. Her selflessness was a trait that Phil undoubtedly inherited.

That afternoon, Phil walked back with Chris, informing me he would pack everything away and sort out a couple of suitcases of what we'd want to take. Chris came back for me, walking me to the apartment. I wasn't even allowed to be given the medication I was prescribed: Chris had to be in management of it. I laughed at that, enjoying the way the noise vibrated in my chest. A hand was placed on my back as I was guided away from the hospital.

***

A month later, Phil's mum encouraged us to move out of the apartment officially. It was clear by this stage we weren't going to return to it any time soon, so it was wasted money.

Despite the encouragements of Kath, nor the bribes she put forwards, I hadn't left the house once. Hell, I hadn't left my room unless it was for the bathroom. She tried to enforce an arrangement at the beginning where we had to come downstairs for food, but after four days without eating a thing, she let that rule go for me.

I wonder how long it would take her to give up and send me off to an institution. I wasn't a risk to myself or others, not yet anyway, I was just lost. You wouldn't lock a child away for wandering the forest alone. That's if the child was found before they died, I suppose.

Of course, I didn't stop thinking about Phil. I tried. Oh God, I tried so fucking much, but I couldn't shut my mind up. As each day passed, I wished I could just put a bullet in it to stop the heartache. I wanted to know what Phil was feeling, what he was thinking, where he was in his own brain. Every time I woke up, I wondered less and less. Phil began to seem like a distant memory; a distant dream.

***

I was laying in bed with the lights off at nine-thirty on a Saturday. My curtains were drawn shut and the light seeping in from outside was almost blinding compared to the darkness echoing against the bedroom walls. I was wrapped in the heat of the covers, where the top of the duvet was now falling off of the side of the bed and the longer edge of it was at my neck. In response to this, my body was contorted into a rather familiar, uncomfortable way.

The way I was laying, the way the light shone into Martyn's old room, it all took me back. I thought I'd lost all hope of a better future back then, back when I was about to start law at university. Back on the day that I'd meet Phil. I felt a spike across my chest and into my throat. I sat up on the bed, touching my cold phone on the bedside table. I turned it on. It was so strange thinking I hadn't even had the energy to do that for so long. It had been me, sleep, and the TV at the end of the bed. I wanted to find out how long for.

I waited patiently for the screen to flash at me, and when it did, the device continued vibrating for what could have been hours. I chuckled. I wasn't sure why, maybe I felt pathetic. It wasn't a happy laugh, that's all I knew. I glanced at the screen hoping to discover the one thing I was actually turning my phone on for: June 17th. I chuckled some more, I missed my birthday. I'd missed Christmas, new year's...Phil's birthday.

I heard the first knock on the door of the day, it was normally followed by another two: one at lunch, and one in the evening. Today, I decided to reply, "H-" my throat hurt, "Hello..." I croaked. The door burst open at that, Kath holding a bowl of cereal and a cautious grin on her face.

"Hello?" she spoke back, almost as if she was questioning me. She looked me over, acknowledging that I was sitting upright on the edge of the bed with my phone on. She sat with me, putting the bowl on the side, "What's going on?" she kindly asked.

My throat was still hoarse, "I wanted to know what the date was." I sighed.

Kath gave a sympathetic, lob-sided grin, "It's been a while, hasn't it?" she was treading on glass, being particularly careful to keep me engaged in conversation. For seven months, she tried getting me to this point, acquiring every skill and every piece of knowledge she could gather on how to help me.

I slowly nodded. It's been too long. I felt an ache in my chest realising it was a year since... everything. No matter how long it'd been, it was still raw. Every time my mind wandered around the events, it was like I'd clawed away at a scab so that it never healed.

She held a hopeful hand out to me, "How about we try and go into the garden? Have a sit down on a bench?" she knew it was a long shot, but I didn't want to let her down anymore. I nodded, standing upwards and letting her lead me to the stairs. I gripped onto the bannister with firm hands as I ushered my way down the stairs. I hadn't done this for _so_ long.

The morning air felt warm against my skin, my bare feet enjoying the cool slabs of stone beneath me as I tumbled my way over to the bench with Kath.

And I cried.

She held a soothing palm, running it along my spine as we sat there together. Everything my mind was trying to hold together became free. I don't know what it was about that morning that started my recovery, maybe it was as simple as the way the light was reflecting in my room, causing me to reminisce. But I was so damn glad.

***

Day after day for the next month, Kath worked on getting me used to outside the door bit by bit. I went with her to the shops yesterday afternoon, picking out my own cereal as I cradled it to my body. I know I looked strange, but that box meant so much to me.

As soon as I woke up this morning, I changed out of my pyjamas and sat in the living room for a change. I felt the way the fabric of the sofa ran beneath my fingers. Something which was once so common to me was now a rediscovery.

I knew it was too early for Kath to be up, the sun had only just risen and as it was a summer day, I guessed it was around seven am. That's why I was surprised to hear footsteps jogging down the stairs. I turned my head around, being struck in the chest when it wasn't Phil's mum, nor his dad, it was him...

We both remained frozen for a moment too long. Phil wasn't sure if he should walk back up the stairs or do whatever he came down to do. I took this time to acknowledge how he was doing: his hair was combed, his eyes were wide, and I would have guessed he was in fresh, clean clothes. He was doing alright. I could have been pathetic and become frustrated that he was surviving without me, but I'm glad he was doing well, because I still cared for him. I always would.

He was still standing there, and I was still turned to face him, both of us frozen. That split in time was broken by a small smile creeping across his face. I had no clue what that grin meant, but I loved it.


	36. 36.

**Phil**

_Dan._ I wanted to scream his name out at him, but I feared I'd make him retreat for another series of months. Every day I worried about him, but Mum told me to stay away. She pulled me away from his door when I had my ear pressed against it, hoping to hear him breathe, if I couldn't get anything else from him. I managed to sneak about three glances at him throughout the seven months. Even so, those were only when I was sat behind my bedroom door, pressing my eye up against the keyhole hoping he needed the bathroom.

Here he was. Sitting somewhere else. Mum had told me she was getting him out the house throughout the last month and I prayed every day that he was recovering, I prayed to a God I never believed in.

I suddenly felt panicked: what if he retreats again now that he's seen me? Do I look too happy, knowing he's been hiding away for so long because of how we destroyed ourselves? I rarely spent an entire day in my room alone, normally coming down for at least two of the three meals a day and sharing some time with my mum. But I was told that Dan rarely got up in a day, and when he did it was for essential toileting. I was so God damn selfish, the thought suffocating my mind: does he still love me?

I was staring at him for too long, I knew that, but I began to soak in every detail. He wasn't...Dan. His eyes were sunken, with large bags underneath them. He'd lost at least a third of his body weight and his hair was long and matted. His clothes swarmed him, and I was sure they hadn't been cleaned, because I doubted he'd taken them off for a while.

I held the knowledge in my head that this was a month after recovery. I felt my stomach twist imagining what he looked like at the start of it.

I was still standing there. But by now, I made the decision he should approach me. I was terrified he'd retreat at the moment of being rushed. I perched down on the step I was stood on, letting my legs hang down the remaining stairs. Once I did so, he stood up, walking towards me with each footstep increasing my heartbeat by more than I could manage. He sat beside me, his knee brushing against mine for a moment too small.

I felt like I was falling in love all over again, the way my heart reacted when his body drew near. But I shouldn't, I mustn't put my own emotions before his. He poked his tongue through his lips to wet them, causing me to have to strain my mind away from them. His eyes shone up to mine, life reappearing in them once again. He shifted his body against mine, resting his head against my shoulder. This was it. This was all I needed right now. Dan was safe, and he still cared for me.

He broke our moment about twenty minutes later, shifting his body to turn and face mine. His pupils seemed to be speaking a thousand words, but his mouth didn't utter one. _Say something._

"Say something..." I whispered, my voice fearful of leaving my tongue. He chuckled, allowing me to grasp onto a smile I'd craved every second of every day for _way too long._

"I-I-I," he stuttered, "I've missed you."

I was fighting every urge to collide my lips against his. I released a sharp breath, "I've missed you, too." I waited for him.

"I'm sorry-" he began, but I pressed my palm against his mouth to shush him.

I gently shook my head, begging him not to apologise. I smiled weakly, "You needed this," I reminded him, "You needed a break..." I sighed, chuckling slightly, "A fucking long one at that, apparently..." I felt him smile beneath my hand, so I dropped it back to my side, "But it doesn't mean that I don't think it was absolutely necessary."

His hand fell beside mine, his fingertips brushing my skin, making it light up with each touch.

I collected my breath, "Every moment of every day I spent thinking of you. I spent it worrying about you, I spent it hoping for you, I spent it praying for you, I spent it crying for you, I spent it missing you, I spent it...I spent it loving you. But not during any of those moments did I want to you apologise for it. Your heart was at the front of mine, wishing that one day you will be yourself again," wishing you'd return to me... "and that's because...well, I don't...I don't know why that is, but I do know I felt it and it was essential that I did because if I did I'd lose you truly and I couldn't-" my voice broke. This wasn't how I planned this to go, but I guess I didn't have a plan, so I continued, "Can I ask you something?" he nodded, but I wasn't finished, "It's probably selfish and pathetic and putting myself first but-"

"What is it?" his voice was like a siren song.

"Did you give up on me?"

He remained still. He didn't blink or move any other muscle. I don't think I wanted him to, I wanted to absorb my presence with him before I lost it again. He held my hand in his, looking down for a second before pulling his eyes back up to mine. His lips turned upwards, "Giving up on you would be like giving up on myself, giving up on life, because I don't know how I'd live through it without you."

"Dan-" I began, thinking he was finished, but it was his turn to press his palm against my mouth to shut me up. I giggled behind his grasp.

"Shut up." he spoke, "Shut up because I promise you..." his words trailed off. What did he want to promise me? What was stopping him? He gulped, being sure about himself and continuing, "Shut up because I promise you that I will have every opportunity in the future to hear your voice. I promise you that I want it to be the first thing I hear in the morning and the last thing I hear at night. And, I am so, so, sorry-" I glared at him above his palm, telling him to keep his apologies to himself, but he grinned, sliding his palm to my cheek and taking the other one with his other hand, cupping the sides of my face, "I am so sorry because..." he gave up on words, throwing his lips against mine as he pulled me towards himself. My entire body melted beneath him, my arms wrapping themselves around his waist. He began to speak again, his breathing heavy in   
-between, "because I love you," he spoke against my lips, "and I'm sorry more than anything that I wasn't here to hear your voice every passing second for the last eight months. I am yours, Phil. I am, and I will always...be yours."


	37. 37.

**Dan**

I meant every word I spoke. I will always be Phil's. I hadn't decided that five minutes ago, but holding him in my arms again was the confirmation I needed because I loved him. Every inch of me knew that as my heart propelled blood across my body with every best of joy.

I didn't care that I looked a mess. Phil wouldn't care beyond being concerned for my wellbeing, and he was all that mattered. He tightened his grip around my torso and pulled me closer into his body with his lips pressed against mine. It was a kiss of desperation; a kiss of loss; a kiss to satisfy the time we'd never recover. He inched his mouth away from mine for a second, but I followed his movements backwards, not wanting to lose his touch.

He chuckled, looking down to avoid my frantic grasp, "C-can I take you out?"

"Where?" I asked, panting as I tried reaching for his taste again.

"Out. Anywhere..." he paused for a moment, "Want to go to the lake?"

I grinned, remembering all the times we'd spent ice-skating across the frozen land. But, it was summer.

I requested a moment for myself as I hurried upstairs and made myself look slightly more presentable: I changed into fresh clothes and took myself into the bathroom. It was relieving to care about how I looked again, it gave me a small sense of humanity. I glanced into the mirror, becoming horrified of the stare that looked back at me. I pressed my fingers into my hollowed cheeks, examining the tiredness in my features. I had been so broken. So, so lost. But I've found Phil again. Phil knows how to guide me to safety.

I hastily brushed my teeth and threw water against my face. I looked up, hoping that had magically solved my dreadful features, but it was a futile attempt. The life from my face was still diminished.

I jogged down the stairs back to Phil, taking extra caution with the unfamiliar steps. He grasped my hand in a way that told me, _"I'm never letting you go."_ and led me out into the open world.

**Phil**

We kicked our shoes and socks off beside the small lake, rolling our trousers slightly up so we could hang our feet in the cool water. I realised, more than anything, that I missed being in Dan's company. He could make any moment a thousand times more interesting, simply by existing beside me. I let out a hum.

Dan shuffled closer to me, cradling himself next to me as he looked into my eyes with a pitiful stare. I grazed my lips across his, enjoying the way his touch tingled my skin. He hummed back, opening his lips slightly to invite me in, tasting the mint toothpaste I used in the early hours of the morning.

We deepened the kiss, one of his hands pressing against my chest as the other explored underneath my t-shirt on my back. I had my fingers brushing his curly strands of hair, while the other held our weight upright. We stayed like that for what could have been a lifetime.

Dan pulled away, earning a moan of plea from my lips. He chuckled softly, brushing his nose beside my ear as he spoke softly, "I won't be able to slow down if we don't stop now."

I groaned slightly, not tearing my eyes away from his. There was a part of me that was ashamed I'd only had Dan back for a few hours and we were already thinking about sex, but another part of me which was grateful for this as it showed we both held the desire, after so long, to share every crevice on the other's body. It was a natural response to being apart, to being so lonely, and it was so incredibly arousing.

He sighed, shaking his feet away from the water and offering a hand out to me. I accepted it, using it as a support rather than a rope, as I feared I'd pull Dan's frail body over. He placed one more soft kiss against me, before we walked in a peaceful silence back home.

Mum was sitting on the sofa, on which I found Dan, when we returned. She span her head around, grinning as she saw the two of us together. I smiled back, mouthing a fearful 'thank you' through my lips. I didn't want to jinx anything quite yet. Although, I trusted Dan and I believed him when he told me he'd stay by my side.

Later that evening, I had Dan on the couch against my hip as he passed me his phone. I ran my fingers through his hair, "Are you sure you want to do this now?" I questioned. He nodded, relaxing his back against my front. I turned the device on, waiting for the notifications to cease before working our way through them.

I swiped away any that were obviously irrelevant: app updates and reminders to stay addicted to the developers' softwares. I then began with any messages. Anyone who were regulars in our lives were up to date, as I'd had my phone with me through the past eight months, unlike Dan who avoided it like the plague.

I took a breath in, "Your mum has been asking to catch up at some point. She last texted you a month ago. You've had a few messages from what looks like old friends, asking how you've been with... everything that happened. They were sent months ago. Your grandma has been sending you regular messages, updating you on her life and hoping to contact you soon. She suggested coffee and cake. She last messaged you a week ago...I think most of your messages are from her...a few of our close friends were asking how you were doing, most of these are from back in November, before I updated them myself. That's it for any interesting text messages. Should I go on?" I asked. Dan nodded, "Right. You've had a few Twitter mentions from verified users. But, I'm going to be honest, they are from November when everyone was being a dick. It seems like anyone who we are friends with have stayed silent on the situation. I won't actually open Twitter. A shit load of emails, you can deal with them when you're ready, I've got my own of those to deal with!" I chuckled. He elbowed me. I sighed, "Lots of group chat and Facebook messages from family and friends. In summary: they're asking how you're doing and what's going on. Honestly, that's pretty much it." Dan turned and grinned at me. I giggled, "What?"

"I don't know," he hummed, "Maybe I'm just hopeful about our future."

We sat in silent for a moment before I began talking about any plans, "Our fans have seem to pretty much argued themselves out. The majority of them are worried about us now-"

"How many subscribers do we have? I know it shouldn't matter, but-"

"You have every right to let it bother you," I checked the app, "But, we have six million. We gained a lot of what we lost." he hummed contently. I continued, "I think the majority of the million who returned after the initial shock came back out of concern over where we were. Our fans don't even know if we're alive."

"You haven't been online?" he asked.

I shook my head, "I've not dealt with the fans, only with friends and family. I wanted to do it with you, and I wanted to do it right."

Dan smiled, nodding and turning to rest his head on my chest again. He hummed, "What are we going to do about the fans?"

"I would like to make an explanation video with you. Sharing our story and being honest. They can then decide what they think for themselves."

"Yeah," he agreed, "I think that would be best."

"But..." I began, "We have all the time we need before then. I want to focus on ourselves first," I stroked my thumb against his forehead, "focus on _us_. We matter too, you know?"

"What will happen with us?" Dan asked.

"What do you want?"

"Well, what do you want?" he returned back to me.

"This." I simply answered, referring to the way we were cuddled against each other and _finally_ relaxed.

"Good." he responded, "Can I kiss you?"

"I want to be asking you that."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for switching to Phil randomly during this. I only noticed after I wrote it, by then there was too much to change.


	38. 38.

**Phil**

I watched Dan tenderly as he forked his mash potato across his plate. His eyes peered up at me as he then cowered under my empathetic gaze. He gulped heavily, "L-l-look, I'm sorry I-I'm just not hungry..." he whimpered, flattening the potato under his silverware. I shuffled my seat towards his at the table, running my thumb along his arm.

"Phil?" Mum called out from another room.

"Yeah?" I responded, turning my head around as she entered the kitchen with a cup of tea pressed between her hands.

"Mind if I steal him from you for a moment, Dan?" she kindly asked, giving him a warm grin. He chuckled, shaking his head. Mum ushered me out of the room, pulling me to sit down with her on the sofa.

"What's this about?" I questioned, feeling slightly intimidated.

"Nothing specific. I just want to know how it's going between Dan and you since you first saw each other again two days ago?" she sipped on her tea, placing her free hand against my knee.

"It's...it's going well." I began, "Of course, it's slightly strange. I think it's mainly Dan as he's trying to put on a mask of happiness. I know he's not one hundred percent, but he tries to act as though he is. I trust him though, and I think he knows I know...that he's not as joyful as he wants to be around me...we'll get there."

She nodded, putting her empty mug on the coffee table. She took a breath in, "If there's anything you need me to do, let me know, I'm here for you both."

I smiled, nodding, "Thank you."

"No worries-"

"No, I mean, for everything. For taking us in for the past eight months, looking after us... it's meant everything." my lips were upturned as I watched her smile broaden.

"Philip. You both mean the world to me, you know that." she ran her fingers along my hair, "You need a haircut, though. So does Dan."

I chuckled, "I know, I know! I'll get us to go somewhere tomorrow." I sighed, "Mum?"

"Yeah?"

"What do you think...of us? Of me and Dan being...you know?"

"Oh, Phil. That's the last of my concerns. If you told me you were having genetic children, I would be worried. That's the only issue I'd have. I will not let you throw five...six? How-many-ever years away, because of reasons beyond your control. Anyone who looks at you and Dan knows you're made for each other. You're soulmates. And, anyone, I mean _anyone_ who has a problem with it, they can be sent my way." she grasped my shoulder as she fixated her eyes into mine. I smiled, nodding. She stood up, picking her mug up from the table, "Now, all in good time, but if I have to watch you two awkwardly shuffle outside your bedroom doors to then see you go into separate rooms _once more_ , I will lock you in together. You hear me?"

My face was heating up and I stared down at my lap. God, I knew it was awkward for Dan and me, but I didn't know it was _that_ obvious! The last two nights, after spending the entire days together, we stood next to each other as we begrudgingly said our goodnights and slowly shuffled into our separate bedrooms. We both wanted to be with each other, but both didn't want to push the other into an uncomfortable situation and also couldn't fully decide if we should break that boundary yet. I'm going to trust my mum on that one as it's the favourable choice.

She retreated into the kitchen, followed by my ears picking up the sound of the kettle boiling. Dan poked his nose around the corner, slowly inching his way towards me. I took his hand, pulling his weight into my body as he sat quite nearly on top of me. His face became the home of a genuine grin as he crept his lips towards my right ear, "You know, I wouldn't mind being locked in a room with you..."

I shot my eyes into his as he began snorting with laughter. I pulled his face back to mine, "The third day of being back with you, and the first time I hear you laugh as real as this, it's about sex?"

"Hey!" he giggled, "Not my fault you chose me. You like it anyway."

"Huh?" I quirked my eyebrow as he ran his fingertips up my chest, "Is that right?"

"Mm" he hummed, pressing his lips into mine. As he held our mouths together, his left hand ran smoothly down my body until he had a grasp on my crotch to palm it.

I pulled my face away, being met with his smug grin until Mum spoke up from behind us, "God. This house has bedrooms for a reason, you know?" she commented as she made her way through the room. I playfully hit Dan on the shoulder as I stood up, cringing and tightening my eyes as I felt my crotch against my jeans. He looked at my face in confusion before noticing my mistake.

He pursed his lips, staring down as he whispered, "And I thought I was the desperate one." I flashed him an annoyed pout as I chucked a cushion into his face. He began cackling from deep within his lungs, making my frustrated facade instantly fall away.

"My room. Tonight, Danny." I impishly huffed as I tried my way to the staircase.

"Okay! Enjoy your cold shower, Daddy." I didn't even look back at him, but I could _see_ the smug look plastered across his cheeks as though they were formed to be that way.

***

I was stepping down the stairs while finishing drying up my hair with a damp towel, when I saw Dan creep into the living room from the kitchen. I smiled, placing the towel over the bannister as he walked up to me, "Finished up dinner?" I asked.

Dan nodded, whipping my damp locks between his fingers, "I think it's hot food."

"What?" I asked in confusion, wrapping my arms under Dan's.

"As in, I don't think I'm finding hot food appealing. I'm just...put off by it until I know it's cold, then I'm hungry for it?" he shrugged.

"Fair enough." I hummed, placing my chin on his shoulder.

"Coming to think of it, I don't think I've had hot food for months. Whenever your mum brought me food, I kind of just let it sit until I wanted it. By then, it was normally at least half an hour later, so it cooled down."

"As long as you eat, I'm alright with you're strangeness." I shrugged, pulling away from our embrace. He smiled at me. I poked his nose as I spoke, "Want to watch TV for a bit before bed?" Dan nodded, leading me to the couch.

***

It was almost eleven before I pressed the remote off, with Dan's head laying sideways on my chest so he could watch TV easily. He perched himself up onto his elbows, looking down at me with the eyes that send shivers down my spine. I hummed, placing my finger under his chin and pulling his lips to mine.

He groaned into the kiss, sending vibrations across my lips as he pressed his tongue against my teeth. I gave in, taking him into my mouth as I shuffled a knee between his legs. Dan released a moan, pressing his crotch against me.

I sighed contently, pulling away as I gazed into the galaxies that were his eyes, "You know, this isn't what I meant by you staying in my room tonight."

He darted his tongue across his lips, staring down at mine, "I know, but it's sure the best way to introduce me back there." he quirked his eyebrows, pulling me upright as he then led me up the stairs.

I locked my bedroom door behind us, reaching forwards and battling the hem of Dan's shirt to pull it over his head. He chuckled, unzipping my jeans as I did so. When he got my flannel shirt off of my shoulders, he pressed his chest against mine, running his teeth over my bottom lip, "Who's on top tonight?" he asked, running his fingertips over my arms.

I felt as there was a right answer to his question, leaving me with a moment of hesitation before I responded, "...You?" I asked, my voice squeaking slightly. I saw his cheeks droop slightly and his lips pout. I obviously chose wrong, "Why ask me then?!" I chuckled, beginning to press my lips beneath his jaw.

"Because taking control sounds so damn hot but I'm really fucking lazy." he mumbled, leaning back onto the bed as he fumbled with his own zipper.

I knelt down to his level, working his trousers over his legs, "Then ride me." I groaned, Dan whimpering beneath the kisses I was placing over his body.

I rose to my feet, Dan slipping my jeans down my legs as I then kicked them off. He pulled me forwards, himself sitting on the side of the bed while he released my cock from my pants. I groaned as he took me into his mouth, reaching hastily to grab something from around me, but finding nothing at my height apart from Dan's shoulders. He giggled as he bobbed his head over me, the vibrations from his laugh sending shivers across my body and my nails to sink into his back.

It felt so good to have him after so many months apart. It felt so wrong relieving myself without him. But, I had him again as he was sending chills down my spine with my dick tightening in his throat.

He pulled himself out from around me, shuffling himself backwards on the bed. I began lowering myself, but Dan shook his head as he grabbed my waist and turned me into the duvet. He moaned, "God, I can't wait any longer." as he tossed the lube out from my bedside table and started applying it to my length.

I was panting, trying to get the words to break through my breaths, "Dan...have you done this at all within the past eight months?"

He bit his lips as he shook his head, "I've not touched inside of me _once_." he slipped his underwear off as he kneeled over my waist.

I lifted myself on my elbows against the pillow behind me, "Dan, let me..." I was panting heavily already, "Otherwise you'll hurt yourself."

He shook his head, his cheeks beginning to blush a hot shade of red, "Maybe I want to." I moaned heavily, my elbows bucking beneath me as my head fell onto my pillow again.

Dan knelt upwards, holding my dick in place beneath him. I grasped onto his waist, helping him to hold a steady pace. He gradually pushed himself downwards, his face tightening in response. I fought my instincts as I continued holding his sides to ease him.

He was letting out loud groans as he pulled me farther inside himself, his breathing restless and heated once he had taken all of me in. He held himself there for a moment, our chests falling and rising in an equal rhythm as we remained completely attached to each other.

I broke through my sharp breathing as I stuttered, "Keep it the fuck down, my parents will hear." He opened his eyes, looking down at me as he proved his best efforts of a smirk. I groaned, "I know you're fucking into that, but I'm really not so for that matter-"

He cut me off by picking up a quick rhythm over me, my words turning into loud groans. He pounded down on me, clenching his muscles together once he'd readjusted to the movements.

I dug my nails into his sides as I tried stuttering out his name, but he quickened in response and took my full orgasm inside of himself, "Oh...God...fucking hell..." I whimpered as Dan slid me out of him. I sighed, kneeling forwards as I placed my lips against Dan's, fighting for his tongue as my hand worked his dick between us.

"P-Phil-" he stuttered as I released him. His body relaxed as he rested himself over my shoulder. I wrapped my arms under his and around his back. He sighed, whimpering into my ear, "I've missed this so fucking much."

"Me too. I love you. God, I love you so much."

I felt his grin against my skin, "I love you, too." ****


	39. 39.

**Dan**

My eyelids fluttered open, adjusting to the darkness around me. I groaned, turning onto my side as I remembered my whereabouts. I drifted my fingertips towards Phil's face, running them smoothly against his cheek and placing a kiss just above the same spot. I missed spending our nights together so much so that in this moment, I forgot why I ever left him.

I sat myself up on his bed, realising the duvet was beneath our bare bodies. I chuckled, thinking about how lazy we must be to not even bother with that after sex. I checked the time on the old alarm clock beside Phil's bed: 5:09AM.

"Fuck." I sighed very quietly. I stood myself on my feet, staring into the pitch-black as I tried defining the room around me, _"Do I put my clothes on from last night...or run across the hall naked for my pyjamas?"_ I knew I could wear something of Phil's, but I had no clue where he kept any of his clothes, nor did I want to create a clatter of noise while rummaging around for my modesty.

I huffed, creaking an inch of the door open and poking my eye down the hall. I shot out, falling into my own room as I turned the light on. My eyes squinted at the sudden light onslaught. I picked up the cleanest pair of nightclothes I could find and put them onto my body.

I stomped down the stairs, begrudgingly making my way into the living room and retrieving my phone from the night before. It still felt strange holding it my hands. There was a part of me that wanted to put my return back into existence out for the world to see, but I knew I shouldn't do anything without Phil. After all, he'd waited this entire time for me to come round without mentioning a thing to social media.

I heard the back door close, my eyes darting across the front room to see if anyone was trying to enter. I searched around me, finding nothing to protect me besides a cushion. I groaned, shuffling my way cautiously to the kitchen doorway.

"Oh, hey Dan!" Kath grinned. I furrowed my eyebrows at her, finding her early wake up suspicious. She chuckled, "I was woken up by work, but then couldn't gather myself to sleep again, so I was enjoying the fresh, early outdoors. The...very early outdoors." I shot her a wide grin, tucking the cushion into my torso. She stared downwards suspiciously, "Were you hoping to protect yourself with a pillow?"

"I...uh...don't question it." I stumbled, shaking my own lack of sense off.

"How come you're up so early anyway, Sweetie?"

I drew in a breath, "Woke up, wasn't in the mood to go back to sleep. My sleeping pattern is going to be fucked up for a while."

She nodded empathetically, nodding her head to the sofa to invite me to sit down. I took the invitation, crossing my legs in front of her, "How are you doing?" she asked.

I gave a weak smile, nodding, "I'm doing well, actually."

"That's wonderful," she stroked my arm to comfort me, "You know, you don't have to be doing perfectly. It's been a rough journey, you can have your down days. Don't seek them out, but don't be hard on yourself if they happen."

"Thank you."

"Now," she sharply said, grinning as she crossed her legs and sat forwards, "I'm done being helpful for the morning. What're your plans with Phil, now?"

I cackled, laughter filling my chest, "You never grow out of gossip, do you?"

"Gossip?!" she put a hand to her chest to mimic fake shock, "How dare you. I am simply a concerned mother for my wonderfully precious child, who you are stealing from me." she flashed me a wink.

I groaned, "I'm sorry, Kath, not much to say. We haven't really discussed it. I know we're definitely trying to put everything right and try our bests for each other, but we haven't set out a plan yet. Why, are you hoping to see the ring back on my finger or are you hoping to kick us out soon?" I giggled. The mention of the ring sent a subtle, sharp pain through my chest. Kath noticed.

"Dan, I can tell Phil loves you from every corner of his heart. He will give you that ring in an instant if you want it. He'll just be waiting for you. He would give you _anything_ for you to be eternally happy."

"I know. I really do, and I would absolutely return his love."

"And, I am not trying to kick you out!" she huffed.

"I know!" I laughed, "I think there's a part of me that's already craving ownership of a place to call Phil's and mine."

"All in good time."

It was that moment I knew she was gathering information to play me and Phil like puppets, guiding us to our favourable outcome. I decided not to call her out for it, she always had the best intentions at heart, normally with the best outcomes, too!

***

"Morning, Danny!" Phil spoke from behind me, grasping my body in a hug. I smiled, taking in his scent and huffing. He pulled back, "What?!"

"You smell like me." I pouted, "I prefer your smell."

"That's your fault." he giggled, preparing himself some toast.

"Morning, Phil!" Kath chirped, Phil's Dad passing by into the lounge with his laptop. She scurried up to him, embracing him into a hug. She pulled back slightly, squinting her eyes before giving me a look. Then she gave me the _look_. She chuckled to herself, pulling herself away and making a hot drink, "Coffee...tea anyone?"

Phil hummed, "Coffee sounds nice, thank you."

"Good. At least then you might smell _slightly_ more like you." the edges of her cheeks turned pink. Phil tried to swallow, which turned into a violent cough as he patted at his chest. Kath chirped, "You alright there, Lovely?" Phil shot her a friendly glare, then held it on me. I shook my head, turning away to defend myself.

I chuckled quietly, "Are you _sure_ you're not trying to kick us out?"

"I'm not sure what you mean..." she hummed. She passed Phil his mug of Coffee as he buttered his toast, and then left to join her husband.

Phil turned to me, "What did you talk about before I woke up?! Do I need to be setting an alarm to refrain you?" he teased.

"I swear, I didn't say anything about us in those terms. Your mother just _knows_."

"I know," he sighed, "it's a curse."

"I love it."

"Of course you do, Mr I-have-a-parents-hearing-us-fuck-kink." Phil shot playfully.

"Oh, you do?" we spun our heads around to see Kath back in the doorway, picking up her phone from the countertop, "Each to their own, I guess, Phillip."

I watched Phil die beneath his skin, his heat raising to every surface on his body. He dragged himself towards me with his toast, wrapping his free arm around my waist, "We're moving out."

"You can't fulfil your kink if we do that-" I battered my eyes.


	40. 40.

**Phil**

"All setup?" I asked Dan, making the final adjustments to the camera.

"Yep!" he confirmed, placing himself on the bed. I set the camera to record, taking my seat beside him.

"Introduction, clear statement, where we've been, our plans for ourselves personally, plans for the channel, quick apology, end. Right?"

"Right. Three, two..."

"Hey everyone!"

"Hello internet." we introduced ourselves.

"It's been almost a year since we last made an appearance anywhere on the internet." I began.

"To anyone who has had no clue to what went on for us... I'm resisting making some incredibly untimely jokes about hermits. Wrong video tone, Dan." Dan spoke to himself, "We, in short, found out we were half-brothers."

"I've talked about it before on this channel," I explained, "but I'm adopted. I never knew my birth parents and I didn't feel the need to."

"Phil and I were together for almost five years or so before we came out on YouTube." he paused, "Well, I mean...it was an accident on the Livestream, but we were going to do that at some point that year anyway..."

"Then, at the same time as we came out, I was struggling with migraines which were brain-tumour related. The tumour itself was harmless, but before the surgery to remove it, I fainted and fell down the stairs."

"We know we're repeating what we've said before in some way or another, but we want to make everything clear. We want to put the story out on the table and then...go from there," Dan continued, "So, after Phil's fall, he needed a blood transfusion and so on, basically leading us to discover we genetically shared a parent."

"Neither of us took it well and, as many of you, unfortunately, saw the video, Dan..."

"I broke down in the corridor outside of Phil's room. I'm not proud of it, but I think I can forgive myself for it." he sighed, "That would be if, six months later, the breakdown hadn't been recorded and gone viral across the internet."

"By this point, Dan and I had come to accept ourselves as half-brothers by not acknowledging it. It never meant anything to us and, in legal, we're not related. We weren't going to throw away everything we ever dreamed of over something that could be irrelevant, in our, and everyone we were close with's, opinions."

"It broke us at first, definitely. But we were ultimately told and agreed that in actuality, the only issue we could have was genetic children. But, we couldn't have those together anyway." he sighed.

"So, when the video blew up and the entire world found out we were related, we had to repeat everything again, plus it being worse because everything we doubted about ourselves was being thrown about online as hate." I stopped speaking, hearing Dan sniffle beside me. I broke away from the camera, "Are you alright, Baby?" he nodded, "I'll cut this, just take a moment." he nodded again.

We came back in ten minutes later, Dan starting us back off, "It was worse than before. I was worse than before. We moved in with Phil's mum, hence us being in this channel's first "studio" per say. I stayed isolated, even from Phil, for eight months."

"Dan's made an amazing recovery the last three. We decided that we're ready to explain ourselves. So, here we are. No jokes, no crazy setup, just us and our truth." I smiled at Dan.

He looked at me, "Have we made clear lines?"

"Uh...no," I replied, "Want to go?"

"Sure," he spoke, "We don't want any shit from anyone. We've given ourselves enough, we've already received enough, we're done with that. I actually want to live my life now, I'm sorry if that offends anyone. This is us saying we're going to live how we want so you can either support us or fuck off. Got it?"

"We want to be happy, so whatever we decide to do in our personal lives will be what we do, whether the internet is on our side or not. For this matter, we are prepared to leave."

"We don't want to, but we will." Dan cleared up, "And that's because nobody and nothing means anything more to me than Phil does. I would sacrifice anything for him. This...YouTube...this isn't my life. This isn't _our_ life, because our life is together and this amazing career we hold together is just a result of how incredibly we get along together."

"That being said, we want to continue YouTube. We love it. DanAndPhilDoStuff will be around for as we're supported in doing it. We hope you're someone who will." I smiled.

"In short, we feel so fortunate to have you all and we want to be able to run this channel until we can't anymore, for whatever reason. Phil and I _will_ be staying together, if you must know."

"We're sorry we've been gone for so long, but hopefully that will just be a bump in the road. So, thank you everyone." I began finishing.

"Thank you to all of you who have always and will always support us. You mean the most to us. So, until the next one..."

"Maybe in a month or so?"

"Goodbye."

"Bye guys!" I ended, waving at the camera.

"Done." Dan sighed. I grinned, him smiling back at me as I turned the camera off.

"I'll edit this and then upload it, yeah?"

"Sounds good, there shouldn't be much to do."

"Nope! Joy of raw videos." I chuckled, uploading the SD card into my laptop.

"I'm just going to sit here for a moment, then." Dan smiled, taking a seat on our bed with his phone in his hand.

After roughly twenty minutes, I turned to Dan, "All ready for upload. Comments on or off?"

"On."

"You sure?"

"Do you think differently?"

"I'm leaving this one up to you, I just want you to be certain."

"I'm certain. Let it loose!" Dan grinned. I nodded, pressing upload to let it do its final loading.

"Let's go on a walk."

"Now?"

"Yeah, come on." I smiled, wrapping my right arm around Dan.

He meant more to me than anything, and I wasn't going to lose him for a thing in the world.


	41. 41.

**Dan**

Phil was dragging me out of the house, ushering me quick along, "No, leave your phone here!" he whined, "Come on, let's just go!"

"Fine!" I sighed, smiling towards him. He wrapped his fingers between mine and pulled us into the crisp November air. I shivered slightly, "Jeez, you could at least have-" he chuckled, passing me my jacket. I sighed contently, letting my head rest on his shoulder for a brief moment while we walked.

"Where do you want to go?" he asked me quietly.

"Why are you asking me? I thought you had a plan!" I whisper-talked back.

"...My plan was to get us out." he whimpered. I chuckled, dragging him by the arm towards the park.

"We might as well be predictable then, mightn't we?" I let my facial features relax as I tilted my head to the side, giving Phil a warm smile. He hummed, pulling me to his body by my waist, causing me to let out a small squeal.

"You're gorgeous, you know that?" he whispered into my ear.

"I do." I said bluntly, being a tease. I giggled, untangling my mess, "Yes, I do. But, I only know that because of you. Because of how often you tell me how wonderfully perfect I am. I mean, you can only hear something so many times before you start to believe it yourself, can't you?" My grin spread from cheek to cheek whilst my heart raced in my chest. Being around Phil in moments like this would never cease to be exhilarating.

"Seriously, Dan. I wouldn't say any of it if it weren't true. From the moment I saw you on the bench in 2009, up until each passing second, I have, and I will, always find you to be beautiful. You're my beautiful boy with shorter, brown hair and slightly-less tanned skin. When we first met, I thought there would be a day I could fully relax in your grasp, but I still can't because being around you seems to make my heart beat at a worrying speed." by this point, we'd reached the lake in the park, which was slightly frosting over in the bitter air. Phil's arms were wrapped over my shoulders, my hands meeting his at my chest. I rested my head against his collar, peering down into the lake with him, watching our reflections gaze at us.

"We're cute as fuck." I blatantly said, causing Phil to snicker.

"Yep. We are." he agreed, pulling out his phone.

"What are you doing?" I questioned, "I wasn't allowed to bring my phone!"

He snickered, "I'm getting a photo of our reflection."

"Still, why couldn't I bring mine?" I whined.

"Ah shut up, you Doofus. I have my reasons." he snapped the photo of our reflection a few times, tucking his phone away again, "All done, was that a crime?"

"Did you look as hot in the photo as you in the reflection?" I chuckled, placing a kiss on his forehead as he turned me around.

"I was only looking at you, and you sure did." he hummed. I sniggered, turning my face to my right to marvel at ourselves again. I watched Phil's reflection sink, my eyes shooting to the actual him in confusion.

I coughed up my chest, my heart pounding as I looked at him with a glare on one knee, "Phil...don't you-" I began, but his smile took my words away.

"I know we were engaged before, but I never did this. You trapped me with your words before I got a chance. So, I'm using the opportunity with a second time round. I thought if I was going to do this again, I'd do it properly whether you hated me for it or not. Or at least tried to...I know you're loving it. Look, I was _so confident_ that I wanted this the first time. I love you more than _anything_ in the world and if I can claim you in every way, I'd love it, and I know you'd want me all the same. And now...with everything we've overcome together, the fact we came back from hell and are still madly in love, I think it would be a mockery if we didn't at least get engaged to celebrate it. So," he pulled out the ring I gave back to him a year ago, "Will you, Daniel James Howell, marry me?"

"God, yes." I laughed, pulling him up to embrace him in my arms, "I love you, you know that?"

"I do- oh, shit! I dropped the ring."

"WHAT?!" I panicked.

"Oh, no, no, it's fine, it's just behind you, I've got it." he returned it to his grasp, "Can I put it on your finger now before I lose it in the water?"

"Yes," I laughed, I definitely see why I'm the one getting the ring now. How are you going to last with a marriage band?"

"No clue. Maybe I should get it tattooed..."

"Maybe..." I rambled, taking his face in mine and pressing our lips together. I pulled myself away for a second, absorbing the colours in his eyes, "I love you, my beautiful, blue-eyed boy."


	42. 42.

**Phil**

Dan and I were sitting on the sofa when Mum fell in through the front door. She had a wide grin on her face, pulling the three of us into a hug from behind us on the couch, "Congratulations." she beamed.

"How do-" Dan began.

"She was taking pictures from a bench nearby."

"You little shit!" he squealed at me, "But...how did...you let me decide where we were going!"

"Yeah, you're predictable. I had my phone on me in any case if this was the one time you decided to be spontaneous."

"I can be spontaneous!" he begrudgingly spoke.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah!"

"Try it on me, Dan!"

"Is this you asking for sex or-"

"Dan!" I screamed, throwing him back by his shoulders on the couch. I kissed his lips while I had him pinned down.

"I mean, I _was_ joking, but..." he sniggered. I flicked his forehead, sitting upright again as I saw Mum contently watching from across the room. I shook my head at her, a blush painted across my cheeks.

"Way to ruin the moment, but...do you think we could look at YouTube?" he asked. I nodded, grabbing my laptop from our room and sitting back down with him.

"Oh, Lovelies, just so you know Martyn is coming down later."

"Oh, awesome! How come?" I asked.

"I'm doing us all a meal tonight because well...don't get cross and I know you said you didn't want anything but I had to do something to celebrate this! And anyway...you haven't seen him for so long with everything!" she defended.

"Mum, it's alright, I know you. I wouldn't be your son if I hadn't learnt to expect these kinds of things." I grinned.

"Does that mean-"

"No, you can't make it into a bigger thing than it already is!"

She groaned, "But, cake's alright?"

"Always." I confirmed. She disappeared across the hall and I returned my attention to Dan and the laptop.

"Ready?" he asked.

"Yeah. Read them together?" I suggested and he nodded.

_Omg, Dan and Phil are back, I'll always support them!!!_

_I think anyone who hates them after this are just idiots. They love each other than most people, just let them be happy._

_They're amazing YouTubers, what they do in their personal lives shouldn't bother us._

_Anyone noticed Dan's ring has gone?_   
_\- Oh my God, yeah. That sucks._   
_-_ _Noo_ _, my poor baby!_

_I don't care. You're brothers, it's gross._   
_\- Half-brothers and anyway, why are you here then?_   
_\- Piss off, think about what they've gone through to get here, for you to just try and shit on them._

_You're both amazing, don't let anyone tell you otherwise._

I felt my phone ring in my jeans' pocket, so I fumbled around with it before putting it to my ear, "Hey Phil!" Chris cried out.

"Hey-!"

"I saw your video, jeez, change in mood from your other videos." he played. I could see the wink on his face. He sighed, "Well, I'm really happy for you both. You deserve the absolute best."

"Thank you."

"Who is it?" Dan asked.

"Chris!" I beamed, "I'm putting you on speaker."

"Hey Chris!" Dan squealed.

"Hey!! Danny. Where'd the ring go?"

Dan and I chuckled, he sighed, looking up at me through his eyes, "I gave it back to Phil."

"Oh, God, I'm so sorry. You're trying to work through it though now, it seems?"

"We've worked through it." I giggled.

"Yeah, Phil proposed to me like half an hour ago...again."

"And I didn't hear about this?"

"When did you want us to message you?"

"Phil! Preferably beforehand."

"I'm sorry Chris, the next time I propose to Dan I will tell you first." I sputtered sarcastically.

"Next time?" Dan defensively groaned. I shook my head at him, sticking my tongue out playfully.

"Hey! I know how I can be repaid...who wants me as their best man?!" he cheeked.

"Chris," Dan sighed, "You were always going to be my best man."

"Thank, God. Phil got to love you before I did, I should at least be some important part of the wedding."

"Oh please, you were obsessed with Peej at the time."

"Still am. I mean, in the terms of I'd go for a threesome with him and his new partner any day. Bisexuality lads!"

"No...no...just you, Chris." Dan played.

"Hey, well, the offer is still out there for you two."

"Chris!" I squealed, "That was going to be a surprise...!" I joked, winking at Dan.

"Are you serious?!"

"No!" Dan and I replied in unison.

"I'll buy you a hooker if you're that desperate." Dan remarked.

"I'll write that down and take you up on it one day, just you wait and see!"

"Okay...bye Chris." Dan grinned.

"See ya lads!"

"Byeee!" I said before I hung up. I asked Dan, "Want to continue reading?"

He shook his head, closing the laptop lid and putting it to the side, "No, I don't think we need to. I don't care what they think. From what we've read they just want us to be happy, anyway, and I'm happiest when I'm with you. So, I want to lie here, with you, and enjoy being in your arms as though time will never run out." he beamed.

"I like the sound of that." I agreed, turning on the TV as I took Dan between my arms and lied us down. He hummed contently as he placed a kiss under my jaw.

***

We remained in that position for the next couple of hours, his hands brushing hair as my thumb rubbed circles around his side.

He hummed, "This."

I furrowed my brow, looking peacefully up at him, "'This'? What do you mean?"

"I don't care what they say. You're my soulmate. This... this isn't brotherly love."

"No?" I questioned, wondering why he brought it up. His mind is a wonderful thing.

"Not at all. Because you are the most gorgeous man I have ever met and I want nothing more than to spend the rest of my life with you."

"Then, we'll do just that." I confirmed.

"Good." he smiled, "I love you."

"Nah."

"Nah?" he grinned impishly, poking my forehead. I was silent for a moment, Dan's eyes furrowing, "Hey!" he whined, "Tell me you love me."

"I love you, Dan. Happy now?"

"Yes." he agreed, "I really am."

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: I've...finished it??
> 
> Thought this day would never come.
> 
> I'm joking, I'm the opposite of a procrastinator. I'm also not superstitious, but I know if I died, I'd be trapped on Earth with this as my unfinished work.
> 
> So, here it is and I hope you enjoyed reading it. Nah, not you...but...you! Yeah...you. I hoped you specifically enjoyed it. Oh...you didn't?
> 
> Fack off then.
> 
> If you want any more of my stories (I'm not sure why), check out Alternate and I Am Nobody. Once this is fully out and I've grammar checked the whole thing again (pff), I'm starting my next one. I wasn't planning to do another, but...I am now. Humans are unpredictable creatures.
> 
> So, stick around for Break Me and I'll see you there. XD


End file.
